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Outline the details of your future aspirations and how your degree will help you achieve your vision

jolivares 3 / 5 1  
May 9, 2019   #1

to be an exceptional Ambassador for Monash'

Hi! I'm applying for a scholarship which asks the following question:

"Outline the details of your future aspirations and how your Monash degree will help you achieve your vision. *
You can explain how previous leadership roles or community activities have informed this vision. This statement should not focus on your academic achievements or the financial benefit of the scholarship. Your statement must not exceed 500 words.

Scholarships are awarded to highly ranked students who can demonstrate their potential to be an exceptional Ambassador for Monash."

I'd highly appreciate feedback on my response, thanks in advance.

Our planet is heavily threatened by climate change and economic development, leading to natural disasters, land use change and massive biodiversity loss. Hence, my future aspiration is to work for the conservation of natural resources because it has intrinsic and extrinsic value. I aim to contribute in the conservation of biodiversity, help in mitigate and adapt territories under climate change scenarios, and protect surrounding communities aligned with sustainable development goals. Since a young age I have been concerned about our planet and the way human has related to natural resources has always impacted me. Therefore, I decided to follow this path so I can become an active change agent as a young professional in the environmental field. My goal is to work for an organisation such as Parks Victoria, The Nature Conservancy, WWF or the Ministry of Environment in Chile.

To achieve this, I need to further improve my knowledge and leadership skills to be able to expose myself, expand my professional networks and gain practical experience, for which the Master of Environment and Sustainability will be essential. It will help me improve in conservation biology, environmental monitoring and territorial management, allowing me become a stronger professional. The reputation of Monash University is well recognised around the world, providing opportunities to maximise my full potential, studying under world-leading academics and professionals. Therefore, completing this program will significantly and positively impact my professional development as an active environmental leader, allowing me to contribute substantially to improve the future environmental scenario both locally and globally.

In the last years, I have being involved in environmental education projects; in the elaboration of a management plan in a local community; in the track ranger program offered by Parks Victoria; among other volunteer activities. These experiences have given me the ability to work within communities in interdisciplinary groups or on my own, and most importantly, to translate environmental knowledge for different scales. I am confident that I have the skills needed to be a high-achieving Monash Ambassador, where I will be able to involve myself within the student community and contribute with my creativity, passion, time and effort. I enjoy fostering strong and long-life relationships that will enhance benefits in the long term.

I will positively promote and represent the Faculty and University, sharing my journey to potential students and motivate them to continue their education at Monash. I would also like to invite and encourage other Chileans to consider Monash University as a post-graduate destination, informing its virtues from my experience. Moreover, I will not only contribute by participating at events and promotional activities, but I would also like to use this space to organise and execute activities for new and current students where I could promote environmental education, environmental awareness and conservancy. I want to influence in the relationship students have with their environment, helping them engage in taking action for protecting our planet. As a Monash Ambassador, I will help creating an impact in the Monash community as a whole.

Maria - / 1,100 389  
May 9, 2019   #2
While lengthy sentences are alright, you should be cautious of the way you create them. It should always be balanced. When I talk about how an organic flow is necessary when you are writing, it means that having variations of length will go a long way. That being said, this will make your writing style more straightforward without compromising its creativity.

For instance, I would revise a few sentences in your first paragraph as:

Climate change has threatened the world. This has led to natural disasters, changes in land use change, and massive losses in biodiversity. I aspire to work for the conservation of natural resources because of their intrinsic and extrinsic values. I aim to contribute through mitigating and adapting territories under climate change, and protecting surrounding communities aligned with sustainable development goals. [...]

Moreover, I recommend that you try to specify details as you go. I have noticed that you tend to be repetitive with your words (see second paragraph). Because of this, I suggest that you try to go more in-depth into details to avoid continuously saying that you want to be a professional in the field. For instance, tackle how the curriculum of this program can contribute to your knowledge of conservation instead of mentioning that it will make you a stronger professional.

Lastly, I suggest that you revise the last paragraph of the essay. There's not much value in mentioning that you wish to promote the university to individuals in your country. While this is a positive statement, it does not contribute a whole lot to your scholarship application. Instead, merge your thoughts and formulate how you will contribute to the university's resources through (a) doing research that will accumulate data on the field or (b) become a productive member of the academic community that will foster its international integrity.

Best of luck!
OP jolivares 3 / 5 1  
May 13, 2019   #3
Thank you so much for your feedback, it's really helpful. I will definitely add it to my essay.

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