Hi everyone, I only recently found out about this site and read how much help it has given other students and I'm hoping for others to help me out too.
I am a prospective music student and need some help with financial assistance. I am eligible for the scholarship application with my marks but I feel insecure about my personal statement.
If you could write your suggestions, criticisms, any advice below..you have no idea how much I would appreciate it!!
The intro and conclusion:
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Waiting backstage, I could hear the thunderous applause coming from the packed audience signifying the end of the item. My already-racing heart began to accelerate as it was now my turn. I could feel the adrenaline rushing through my body as I walked towards the stage door. Closing my eyes, seconds before I was to go onto stage to perform, I breathed in slowly and fingered the first few notes of the piece on the cold keys of my instrument. As the host finished introducing my item, another round of applause erupted from the hundreds of students, family members and friends who had come to watch the concert. I held my head up high as I walked onto stage, forgetting about any nerves and worries I had, and once again, made music.
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I have on occasion found myself challenged to the maximum of my capabilities because of the time, energy and patience I have been required to give. However, my strong belief that I have no limitations, the continuous support I receive from my family, friends, teachers and students and my will to succeed that has kept me going throughout my trials and struggles. I believe that every age brings new opportunities and experiences and by attending [name of the music school I am applying for], I hope to fulfil my aspirations of becoming someone who inspires and motivates others and those experiencing hardship by persevering and enduring through mine.
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Let's add a comma and get rid of a "the":
Waiting backstage, I could hear the thunderous applause coming from the packed audience, signifying the end of the item.
...and once again, made music.----excellent sentence here.
And here we can get rid of a that:
I believe that every age brings new opportunities and experiences and by attending [name of the music school I am applying for], I hope to fulfil fulfill my aspirations of becoming someone who inspires and motivates others and those experiencing hardship by persevering and enduring through mine.
Actually, I think you should get rid of "Every age" too!! Do this, and add a comma:
Every age brings new opportunities and experiences, and by attending ...
