"both my parents had diabetes + Palestine homeland" International Affairs Scholarship

I'm applying for a scholarship at my university. A two page, type-written essay that describes your career goals... please let me know what you think. Any input would be greatly appreciated! Thank you

My name is Hakim Husein and as the youngest of six children, I enjoy a special relationship with my mother. My deceased father worked eighteen-hour days at a convenience store for ten years in one of the most dangerous parts of Houston to provide for our family. This hard work allowed me the chance for a good education, something my parents could not dream of in the homeland of Palestine.

I was only a child when I first learned that both my parents had diabetes. I was in my early teens when I realized the full implications this had on me. When I was twelve years old, my father had his right leg amputated due to an infection made worse from diabetes. After my father's leg was amputated, he was forced into a well deserved retirement. For the first time in his adult life he did not work long days and I had a father around.

I always imagined the day when I would graduate and get to thank him for being the strength I needed. Unfortunately, April 2, 2001, would rob me of that wish, as my father unexpectedly passed away of a heart attack in his sleep. At thirteen, I lost a father that I had only just begun to get to know. It took the horrific event of 9/11 and the subsequent heroic acts of Americans for me to break out of my pain. I could either wilt away from my pain or make my father proud. I chose to make him proud.

I am interested in continuing my studies and obtaining an advanced degree from Birzeit University in Ramallah, West Bank, Israel. This opportunity would allow me to become more familiar with my culture and heritage and gain valuable experience in my field. My long term goal is to become a United States diplomat. As a diplomat, I hope to contribute to an eventual solution to the on-going Middle East crisis and bring about peace and a better world for all its citizens. Similar to my hero Martin Luther King Jr., I too have a dream. I imagine a world at peace and its peoples living in harmony. I see Jewish and Arab children playing side-by-side without fear of bombs and a constant threat of death. This world in my mind's eye is tolerant and charitable, welcoming all nationalities to prosper together on its land.

As an International Affairs major, I hope to contribute firsthand to this vision by becoming a United States diplomat to the Middle East. As a first generation Arab-American, I believe I bring a unique perspective to a very complex situation. Having experienced personally the effects of the seemingly endless violence in the Middle East, I feel compelled to attempt to end the suffering of families and communities in the troubled region. The path I travel has been paved by many before me. It begins with tolerance for one another and can only end in peace.

The summer I visited Palestine, the homeland of my parents, is where I learned that hate is not something men are born with but instead a bad habit taught as children. The endless fighting between Israeli soldiers and Palestinian civilians was a common theme during my childhood. Around the age of eight, I remember waking up in the middle of the night after a bad night's sleep for a cup of warm milk and seeing my parents huddled up close to each other crying as they watched the news on CNN. I did not immediately comprehend the situation and assumed they were watching some sad movie. Instead, I saw children as young as six or seven throwing stones at massive tanks while Israeli soldiers were shooting at them in the middle of the street they once played in and now died.

When I was thirteen, I went to visit Palestine for the first time and was shocked at the things I witnessed. I overheard a 2nd grader singing a horrible song that translates into English as:

"Mother and Father please buy me a gun
Oh how the Jews took over my holy land and
How they torment me so
You Jew!

Who told you to come in my homeland of Palestine?"
Surprisingly, when I asked the 2nd grader what the song meant, he replied, "I don't know, it's some song we sing at school." When he told me that, I just felt helpless and sat on the curb of the street thinking how a small-minded, hate-filled teacher could spread such hatred to a group of innocent children. I worry for the day that young boy will grow into a man and understanding what those words meant. I knew in my heart that this ignorance would not lead to peace in the Middle East and a new generation of terrorist, extremist Muslims, and other confused, disillusioned people would be created. These acts degrade the true nature of Islam. Monsters are not born, they are made.

After 9/11, I aspired to one day become a United States diplomat. My goal is to leave this world a better place than I found it. Unfortunately, after debating with many people, including my parents, through the years, I have often heard, "It's a lost cause, it's a hopeless fight, the cycle of violence just can't be broken." and so on. For those people, including my parents, my best and only argument has to be dedicating a lifetime to at least trying to bring this "hopeless" notion of peace to the Middle East.

I once had a conversation with my 95 year old grandmother and could hear the resignation and misplaced hatred in her voice. "How the Jews stole OUR land, and killed our young. They don't deserve the shirt on their backs," she said. I wanted to respond with, "What an ignorant thing to say, it's people like you that will never accept a peaceful compromise between Israel and Palestine." Instead I remembered my visit to Palestine, the land she spent her entire life in, and looked at my grandmother again before responding. I did not see an old woman wrinkled with bitterness and aged scorn. I saw the misguided little girl singing that hateful song of Israel. I placed my hand on her knee and met her gaze with unwavering, if newfound, strength. "Grandmother, today we are not children throwing rocks at tanks. Today our weapons are education and we fight with our mind and words. You speak from fear and memories of your painful childhood. But that kind of hate will only guarantee that my children will grow up as you did. And I know you don't want to see that day."

There is nothing in the world I would rather do than help people in distress. I have dedicated myself to my community and to the greater good. I have trained to be a crisis counselor for the Greater Houston United Way and was actively involved with the Student Government Association at my community college. This group sponsors an annual charity event that raised $1,400 for the Jori Zemel Children's Bone Cancer Foundation in 2009. I have also gained strong leadership and independent thinking skills in my term as student council president.

I am confident that I possess the aptitude and skills to excel at my chosen major. I have been acknowledged by my peers and educators for my diplomacy and ability to relate to people from all walks of life. Sometimes it is important to just listen and have an open mind. My greatest desire is to make a difference in this world. If I am selected to receive this scholarship, I pledge to serve this great country, my fellow peers, and my community with the very best of my abilities.

"a good education - something my parents could not even dream of in my homeland, Palestine."


This is super awkward. Rephrase it completely...


Change it to "I always imagined about the day when I would graduate and thank him for being my strength" or "thank him for giving me the strength that I needed."


I really don't understand this and the connection to this and the earlier said things...


Proud of what?! So add something before this that can lead to you making him proud...


Like my hero Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream also: A dream to see a world at peace and its peoples living in harmony; a dream to see Jewish and Arab children playing side-by-side without the fear of explosives and a constant threat of death; a dream to see a tolerant and charitable world that welcomes all nationalities to prosper together on its land.




"and assumed they were watching an emotional movie. However, I saw children as young as six throwing stones at massive while the Israeli soldiers were shooting at them."


After 9/11, I aspired to become a United States diplomat.


my best and only argument will be to dedicate a lifetime to bring this hopeless notion of peace to the middle east."

I liked the ideas but I think they are very poorly organized. So try organizing your essay and try to connect one paragraph with the other. The transition that you make in between paragraphs is very abrupt. Therefore make sure that the ideas in one paragraph will lead to the ideas in the next one. I think the pathos in this essay is pretty and also remember too much pathos is bad. So the ideas and the pathos are pretty good. Just organize your essay and make it sound good! I am not a professional but just handed some help!

Good Luck!