"my passion in biochemistry" - Scholarship for Science Majors

Hey all, thank you for this great forum. This is a scholarship essay for science majors at my school. The essay topic is: Write about what motivated you to choose your major or program, your future career goals, and any other information that will help reviewers make a well-informed decision.

Any feedback or suggestions would be much appreciated, thank you!

A reservoir with a solution of innumerable blood proteins calmly waits in a small room blocked off from light. In the blink of an eye, a thirty thousand volt power supply creates an electric field that rapidly sends the solution into the opening of a glass capillary tube smaller than the tip of a needle. As the solution travels through the tube, proteins are slowly separated by their ionic charges. The dark room suddenly illuminates with a bright fluorescence light as a sharp, green laser hits the capillary tube. A small detector intently watches the tube and collects fluorescence separation data, sending it across a system of wires and circuits until it reaches its final destination in the computer. To some people, this may seem like something out of a science fiction movie. For me, it's something that has become my passion and what I look forward to working with everyday.

From the knowledge and experiences I've gained so far as a biochemistry major, I am grateful everyday that I get to work in such an amazing field of study. Ever since I was young, science has always been fascinating to me. It intrigues me that there is so much to learn about the function of life and how various processes work. Over the past few decades, the knowledge about what makes life work has exploded, and yet there is still an endless amount to learn. I aspire to contribute to this revolution by helping as many people benefit as possible with the discovery of new knowledge. Studying illness and disease has become a major part of research in order to develop new medications and cures. I strive to be a part of this research by getting experience whenever I have the opportunity. I have been building an instrument for the past year that uses a green laser to label fluorescence off of proteins that will be used to further study factors involved in blood aging and their oxygen carrying capacity. After obtaining my bachelors degree, I will go to graduate school to earn a PhD and expand my skills and knowledge to better understand my passion in biochemistry. After earning a PhD, my goal will be to find a job where I can do the research I love to further study how diseases and illnesses work and how they can be cured.

I feel great about where I am headed in my life and the possibilities that lay ahead of me. Ever day I have the opportunity to do what I love while getting more and more familiar with my passion. I am determined and focused to learn as much as I can to become an expert in my field. When I reach my goal, I hope to have an everlasting impact on the lives of people that need diseases and illnesses cured. When I accomplish this, I know I have succeeded in life, since my ultimate goal is helping people.

Cool example of biochemistry in your first paragraph - but it can leave some readers puzzled unless you spell it out (you only mention this in your second para.) Also, I felt it was a bit too detailed/long. Can you halve the paragraph to about 3 sentences?



-- this is not a complete sentence.


I would have liked to learn more about your invention. Did you put it to work and to what result?
You sound like you know what you want and where you need to go.

I don't understand this part! But maybe it is just because you are smarter than me. However, in case the sentence could be worded more clearly I wanted to mention that.

I can't quite tell by looking at the way the essay appears here, but I assume this is the end of the intro paragraph? ---> of wires and circuits until it reaches its final destination in the computer. To some people, this may seem like something out of a science fiction movie. For me, it's something that has become my passion and what I look forward to working with everyday.

(end of paragraph?)
I kind of think you could write the last sentence (above) in a better way -- better than "what I look forward to working with every day."

Every day is 2 words, by the way, unless you are using it as an adjective to describe a noun.

But do you know what I mean about revising that last sentence of paragraph one? It can be any sentence you want, and it should be a powerful one that leaves a lasting impression on the reader.

"My passion" is a cliche, and "something I look forward to working with" is a weak phrase...
:-)