Hello, my name is Bella Regina. I want to apply KGSP Undergraduate programs with embassy track. Here is my personal statement. I will inform you the point they ask me. I hope you want to give me any critics and advises for my essay. So sorry for grammar error, I will fix it after this.
<Instructions: please write no more than 2 pages on an A4 size format, one-sided only. The essay should include the following things and must be clearly typed or printed in black ink. Please remove the instructions after reading it. >
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
KGSP application essay
It's been so long since I dreamt to study abroad. The reason is I believe I can do more to catch my goals when I back to my home country. Indonesia. One of my goal is to develop myself to be an inventor and influencer of a new method of studying in high school which is more effective for teacher to teach their subject, but at the same time this method won't forget about the students mental health. I have seen clearly to junior and senior high school students around me. They have a severe crisis in attitude, decency, and mental health. So many students lost their directions and identity. Yet, this is their golden age to know themselves, and to choose what their desire and passion. Because of that, many of them took the wrong path and fall on drugs addictive, free sex, smoking, drunk, etc.
I believe that by studying psychology program in Korea, it will be my milestone to reach my life goals. By understand and figure out the root of the problems from psychology point of view, I believe I can solve it and found the solutions with the knowledge and experiences I get. With the better quality and facilities from Korean University I choose, I can bring more comprehensive and wider impact. My second reason is, I want to challenge myself by step outside my comfort zone. Third reason, because Korean people is famous by their dedication and hardwork and I want to learn it from them.
I lived in a humble family. My father's friend lend his house for us stay. My father has a juice shop and my mother work in a stationary store to provide us. My father is a tough person, and my mother is the most gentle person in the world. My parents rose me to be an honest, responsible, independent, and tough person. I have two sisters, the older one is in her last year of her study in college with Indonesian government scholarship program. She will be graduated from Indonesia University of Education in Fashion Design Major. And my little sister, she is in her last year in junior high school.
I entered elementary school in six years old and graduated within five years. Then, I continue my study to junior high school. In my second year, I choose to join swimming extracurricular because when I was a little, I once drowned in swimming pool. And it left a trauma for me. I want to overcome my trauma and fear of drowning. Even it's really hard for the first time, but now swimming become one of my favorite things to do. That experience once give me a trauma, but after I defeat it, it gives me strength. I graduated from junior high school with a good score even I'm not in a top ten. But because of my score, the school put me on the superior class with which is all the genius is in the same class with me. I got a really bad rank in the first semester. It's a shame for me. I disappointed myself and my parents. I work and study harder in the next semester, and I got a better rank. I commited to study harder and harder.
In senior high school, I join some extracurriculars such as dance club, choir, modelling, and presenter club. My favorite was presenter club because I learn and gain so much skills from that. I learn to do a proper public speaking, for example MC-ing events, speech, report a news, and debate. The extracurricular was really fun for me. But I can't continue the club in the next year because the school close it. I found myself and my passion because of a subject in school named "Life Skill". The subject taught me so many practical things. From that subject too, I know about psychology and it made me really interested in psychology. In the same year, I read a popular webtoon from Korea titled "Dr. Frost". That webtoon really made me realize how much I want to learn about human psychology.
After graduated from senior high school, I choose to took a gap year and get a job because I fail the entrance test for national university and because of my family financial condition. I work as barista. But then, the biggest thing happened to my life. I get sick and the doctor told me that I have TBC. In an instant I have to quit from my job. Its really hard for me because I already made my plans and goals for a year. At that time, I feel really useless and being a burden to my family because I can't help my family. But my family and my friends keep supporting me to fight this tuberculosis. From that I realise how much my family loves me and how much my friends care about me. And I learned to always fight and never give up no matter what happen. I learned to be strong. Thank God, I get a new job two months after it. The doctor allowed me to work again because my condition getting better and the risk of the infection is decreased.
Since now, I already have worked in five different places and position. I worked twice as a shopkeeper when I'm in junior and senior high school on holiday season. Then I worked as barista. Then I worked as admin in a delivery service. But a month before the national university entrance test, I decided to quit my job. It's hard to make that decision because if I fail the test again, it's not easy to get a new job. And for that time, I can't help much for my family financial. But in the other hand, I need to focus on studying for the test. I decided to quit because I want to do my best on my preparation for the test.
My last job is a fabric warehouse admin. Since I work here, I see more people with really difference family and education background. Most of them married by accident, didn't finish their school, and have a bad attitude and habits. But seeing them, they made me more passionate to catch my dreams. I want to reach uneducated people like them to have a better life and dedicate myself for the future teen in my beloved home country. Indonesia.
Hi there, Bella! I'm a consistent contributor on the forum and would like to welcome you here. You can use this feedback to assist you in your application. I wish you the best of luck as well in your application!
Firstly, while the first sentence is quite emotionally attached to your aspirations, I do not recommend moving forward with this. Considering that this entails that you should have a more professional or formal approach to the application, I suggest revising the first portions to be more straightforward about your intentions in studying at the said university.
Furthermore, be more organized with your thought process. You were quite messy when it came to following a specific chronological order. Remember that this is critical as it can affect how you would be perceived by the individuals reading the text. If you plan to discuss things from your childhood until the time that you have grown up, then try to stick with this order rather than messing around with a generalized formatting.