Unanswered [3] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
  

Scholarship   Posts: 11

Scholarship Essay: Passion for Computer Science


HiImShante  
Aug 17, 2009   #1
What do you think of this essay? Any punctuation errors? I need help haha.

The essay question was, "What has influenced your decision to pursue a career in computer science?"

As time progresses, computers continue to mold America, shaping it in a manner that benefits and connects today's society. The rapid upgrading of the CPU is beyond amazing and I'm glad I have been able to witness it. Just in my short lifetime, computers have gone from filling up rooms to fitting in the palms of our hands. What we have and use now can only get better, and that is the fuel that keeps me involved passionately with computers. My main goal is to not only simplify and advance the computer, but to uniquely create and expand. As a child, my love for computers started early. My family first got our computer when I was 5 and though I was fairly young, I became very attached to it. Me being able to run my fingers over ridged buttons with letters that seemed to magically appear on the screen fascinated me and kindled a deep desire in me to learn more. As computers were making gradual changes, I was also. I began to study the computer and familiarize myself with the very heartbeat and organs of the computer. It became more than a hobby; it was a desire, a passion of mine. With time and dedication, I was able to learn programming by the age of 15 and as of now I am in the process of making my very own paint program. Because I am an artist, I know what it is like to be left baffled by complicated paint programs with so called simplistic tutorials, so for my new program I will be creating more easy to use tools. That's what I can do with just books, tutorials, and advice. Just imagine what I can do with further education. I have been told that if you are making a living off of something you love, you will never work a day in your life. Computers are and will always be of great importance to me, and if I am able to work with them, I will truly "never work a day in my life."

Notoman  
Aug 18, 2009   #2
Not bad. I really feel your passion for computers with this piece. I think that some minor tweaking will make it very strong.

A couple of quick notes before I head to sleep ...

Tone down the exclamation points! They are a little too casual and conversational for an essay of this nature! I know that you are excited about your subject, but the reader might feel like they are being shouted at!

When you talk about computers fitting in our laps, I feel like this essay might have been written a couple years ago. Heck, I don't have an iPhone, but I do have an iPod Touch and I have some pretty amazing applications on it--and I don't need the expanse of my lap. My dad has a monitor that is on this funky flexible material that he can roll up and stow. Reference something a little more cutting edge than a laptop if you are going to talk about advances in technology.

AND ... I want to hear more about YOU and how you are amazing instead of how amazing the computer is. The essay starts off a little like a research paper on computers until it gets into the meat of what influenced you to pursue a career in computer science.

That being said, my main goal is to not only simplify and advance the computer, but to uniquely create and expand!

Check out your semantics here ... Your goal is to uniquely create and expand. Your goal is to expand? Are you planning on putting on more than the freshman fifteen?

It was the year of 1996, the year of Windows 95.

This is awkward. I'd omit "the year of 1996" and rephrase this.

what more do I want then to spend the rest of my life devoted to my childhood desire!

You want nothing more than to spend the rest of your life devoted to computers? Do you plan on forgoing dating, marriage, and children? What about food and sleep? Friendships? Literature? Chocolate?! Tell me it isn't so! The hyperbole isn't effective here. If I were an admissions official, I would look for students who were a little more well-rounded (and who liked chocolate and would bring me some).

There are a few minor grammatical errors, but I must sleep (so I can dream of chocolate). I'll let other users point those out.
OP HiImShante  
Aug 18, 2009   #3
Okay, I see what you mean as far as the upgrading of computers is concerned. So would I rephrase it as this? Computers have gone from taking up an entire room to in the palms of our hands, which hosts a variety of different functions such as checking our email and even the weather.

Eliminating some exclamation points.

It was the year of 1996... What should I say instead? It was the year of Microsoft's Windows 95?

And lol, i didn't exactly mean devoted. I thought i would look good. Instead of devoted how about working with my childhood desires? hmm, I think I'm going to need a litle bit more help with that.

But I will make sure I put a little bit more about what I do in there.

Thanks for your help so far! Hope your chocolate dreams were sweet ^ ^

Oh yeah, to anyone else reading, it would be great to help me with my grammatical errors.
EF_Simone [Moderator]  
Aug 18, 2009   #4
Oh yeah, to anyone else reading, it would be great to help me with my grammatical errors.

Your grammar is good over all. Let's see the revision that takes Noto's comments into account. There's no use proofreading sentences that are going to be changed anyway.
Liebe 2  
Aug 18, 2009   #5
If I were an admissions official, I would look for students who were a little more well-rounded (and who liked chocolate and would bring me some).

^LOL. Yes, INDEED.

As time progresses, computers continue to mold America, shaping it in a manner that benefits and connects today's society. The rapid upgrading of the CPU is beyond amazing!Computers have gone from taking up an entire room to sitting in our laps in our very homes.

^This is not a personal viewpoint. This is just a statement of a known fact.

What we have and use now can only get better, and that is the fuel that keeps me involved passionately with computers. As complex as artificial intelligence is, it can be taught, used, and understood not just by programmers but by all, man, woman, and child.

^Statement of a fact again.

That being said, my main goal is to not only simplify and advance the computer, but to uniquely create and expand!
^Ummm. Not quite feeling this.

As a child, my love for computers started early. It was the year of 1996, the year of Windows 95. Me being able to run my fingers over beige ridged buttons with letters that seemed to magically appear on the screen fascinated me and kindled a deep desire in me to learn more.

^Well, perhaps you should say 'MY BEIGE RIDGED' buttons, because my keyboards have never been beige. Never.
Also, whilst this is a creative sentence, I think it needs some revision. I think there is something that is not, quite right.

As computers were making gradual changes, I was also. I began to study the computer and familiarize myself with the very heartbeat and organs of the computer. Programming has become a hobby of mine and I often joke that my second language is C++, a widely used programming language I taught myself through experiment and tutorials .

^I doubt your readers, on the Admissions Board, need clarification on what C++ is.

Computers are and will always be of great importance to me, and what more do I want then to spend the rest of my life devoted to my childhood desire!

^It is an interesting, genuine, and personal ending. However, I am not sure about it's effectiveness? See what other people think. Overall, I thought that this was quite a good essay, assuming that there is a strict word count.
Notoman  
Aug 18, 2009   #6
I have a really short break from work here so I will see how far I can get before I have to slog back to my job.

Okay, I see what you mean as far as the upgrading of computers is concerned. So would I rephrase it as this? Computers have gone from taking up an entire room to in the palms of our hands, which hosts a variety of different functions such as checking our email and even the weather.

Liebe's point about this being factual is valid. Your essay does delve too much into the fact reporting and not enough into the personal. You could restate this to express a connection with you. Maybe something like: "Just in my short lifetime, computers have evolved from room-filling monstrosities to sleek, hand-held devices."

Eliminating some exclamation points.

I know that exclamation points are a style issue so I hesitate to tell you that they are wrong here, but I will say that they are risky. In academic writing, an exclamation point is a little like drawing a bubbled heart over your letter "i." They have the potential to make you look younger and a little hyper--or like you are hawking a product on an infomercial. I would take them all out of this piece.

It was the year of 1996... What should I say instead? It was the year of Microsoft's Windows 95?

There are lots of other ways to say this. Microsoft's Windows 95 was in its nascent year ... or take out the reference all together. It doesn't tell us too much about you and it might make the admission officers feel like dinosaurs dealing with a snot-nosed punk who, you know, thinks that Windows 95 is, so like, ancient, man. The readers might remember running programs on stacks of punch cards and be unable to relate to this.

UGH. Gotta go. I will try to come back to this later tonight.
OP HiImShante  
Aug 19, 2009   #7
Okay i tried changing it. It's probably still crap, right? You have to excuse me, this is the first essay I've done in years. Again, thanks for the advice!
OP HiImShante  
Aug 19, 2009   #8
whoops, i didn't mean to keep expand in there. omitting expand.
Mayada  
Aug 19, 2009   #9
What we have and use now can only get better

Gosh I loved this phrase :P

Me being able to run my fingers over ridged buttons with letters that seemed to magically appear on the screen fascinated me and kindled a deep desire in me to learn more

Nice, I like the way you thought of it. It is magical.

,I was also

Hmm, shouldn't you use I was too, or I was as well. "Also" isn't right at the end of the sentence.

my new program I will be creating more easy to use tools

I'd wanna use it!! The ones we have ARE difficult to use sometimes ;)

Just imagine what I can do with further education

I see your point here, but your method kinda ruined it.

Instead of saying: "That's what I can do with just books, tutorials, and advice. Just imagine what I can do with further education."

Why not say: "I can do far more with advanced education than I have done with only books, tutorials, and advice."

See how you phrase it best, because it's a good point, and you don't want the structure to sound as if it's not.
OP HiImShante  
Aug 19, 2009   #10
thanks! making changes now. anyone else with input, feel free.
EF_Simone [Moderator]  
Aug 20, 2009   #11
As time progresses, computers continue to mold America, shaping it in a manner that benefits and connects today's society.

This is just so bland that I fall asleep before the end of the sentence. Not a great way to start an essay.


Home / Scholarship / Scholarship Essay: Passion for Computer Science