Please help me to read this essay and give me your feedback!
Question :
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
South Korea will be my next spot
My voice is heard in Angkringan[ (Java) long carrying pole with hampers on either end.], a precious place to voice more when my pals in the class do not interest with International issues and Politics. I always need more space to provide me a spot evolving my anxiety. Through the milles in debates and conferences at any levels from national until international race creates me having a huge willing to study more to become professional so that I desire to figure out my passion in bigger opportunity. My interest is related with International Relations and Politics which is both of them are given in South Korea as the largest number of top universities for Politics in Asia with eight institutions featured last year, including two Seoul National Unversity and Korea University. For me, South Korea will be my next spot to draw my dream, to voice with friends, and to share perspectives in term of international exchange in education.
The supportive environment from South Korea is one of excessiveness, its will configure me to understand about my studies that can I bring to my country which still does not offer the major I would like to take. Even more, being international relations means that I can be a bridge for Indonesia and South Korea for their special strategic partnership because both countries will need a new young future diplomat to tight their friendship since 1966[ . Besides, the encouraging circumstances to International Students proven by a tremendous scholarship to all young talented students all over the world enacts a believing that It will assist me deepening my knowledge in global views.
The best support of my dream university is created when my parents always give me room to decide my future education which has to be reasonable. This way brings me to be a decision maker of my entire life since I was childhood. It is one of the value followed with others, like my mother taught me how to treat society with a good manner however she is only graduated from senior high school, yet my father has the greatest education in my family who has a master degree in his expertise. For them, education is the first, they treat the children to take the highest degree which makes all of my brother and sisters accomplished their study as a bachelor and master. My parent looks at me as family's hope for the future, they dream that I can study abroad someday.[][]
It is about 1,645.4 kilometers from Lebong to Kediri. Almost three years I have lived alone without any family members in a magic city, Pare. A lot of stories that I have made day by day gave me more chances to have a meaningful experience although they stopped me while I was explaining why I had to wander in another places at the first. Slowly but surely, I convinced them to trust me that I would be more mature in fifteen-years old because I knew the necessary things to complete my dream.
Comes from a rural to the urban area without any relative was totally harmful to some, but it does not work on me for the sake of better education. There, many people are smoking, having couple until forgetting their goals for coming. It is a big challenge for me, I did not tell to my parents about the circumstaces of people around me, but I bear to be my self focus on my dream, become a sociable person, take the positivity and ignore the negativity. Its principal be present when I inspired from the keynote speakers in my joined event before graduating from my junior high school.
Three years ago, when I was 15 years old, I got the opportunity to meet President and Minister of Education in Indonesia[]. Selected as the member of Kawah Kepemimpinan Pelajar Indonesia which is evaluated by leadership, cooperation, and management skills, I was invited to see the beauty of Indonesian nation palace, heard many endearing words from Joko Widodo and Anies Baswedan.
After its activity, I achieved my goals year by year like following Indonesian Students Unite who gave me a chance to meet with the best 100 students surround Indonesia. Finishing the event, me and three of my friends made an organization which is named as Youth Generation Tobacco Control who spreads into sixteen big cities in Indonesia with more hundred students of Indonesia after two years movement which I act as the Vice General Secretary of YGTC. Those experiences have changed my view of the world, I want to contribute more globally because I think the highest and the latest dream that people have is being useful to a human.
In my first year of Senior High School, I try to deepen my passion to build the extracurricular that is English Club to rally the students who have the same passion together we move. []Also, I worked as the guest announcer of Brass Radio for six months which made me often invited as the master of ceremony in some events. Currently, I act as the brand ambassador of the Platinum Skills after choosen as the Student's National Excelling Ambassador.
Its experience enacts me to build a platform which is named English Clinic for student empowerment in my hometown to increase the low rate skills to speak English with a free class, even more, I also invite them to be more motivated following national and international event. I hope someday, they will have a chance to follow the international event and become more beneficial to other people.
I was granted in Konferensi Pelajar Hebat Indonesia as the most outstanding and the most inspiring delegate. Also, I was getting the award as the best speech and being the chosen one []as the National Student Excelling Ambassador for Indonesia after competitive selections. Now, I collect 23 achievements and awards with 13 organization and volunteer experiences in region, national and international scope in debate competition, conference, research and writing competition, etc. In addition, I am selected to join Asean Youth Forum in 25-28 September 2019 as one the youngest participant from five delegates of Indonesia through the selection of 2245 registrants.@ochanlebong7
Hey, I'm here to provide you with feedback on this written work. I hope that this is helpful in any way! Don't be afraid to reach us for more input.
First and foremost, the first paragraph needs a bit work because of how messy your thoughts and ideas here are. If you ought to introduce a brief background on your personal experiences with this situation, I suggest that you try to utilize a more straightforward approach by expounding on that. Your introduction of your personal interest to the field should be made separate from your introduction of why you have chosen the institution(s). This will give you a more organized approach to the topic.
Furthermore, I also suggest adding more organization and boundaries in the latter portions of your essay. While you had a general grasp of writing, I heavily recommend revising the way that you move between one idea to another. Bear in mind that it is critical for you to have a more intensive approach as this will determine the overall flow of your writing.
Formality and professionalism is critical. Do not jump between thought A and B without providing necessary logical links and accompaniments.
