Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Scholarship   % width Posts: 6

Personal Essay about who I am and what I am passionate about.


syuw1210 1 / 1  
Feb 14, 2014   #1
I was offered a Scholarship from the Ministry of Defense in my country. The application form asked me to write an essay about myself and my passion in 400-500 words and sadly, my essay has surpassed the 500 words limit, 546 words. :( I need help on correcting grammatical errors, and reducing the contents of the essay.

... ....

I was born in 1994 into an intellectual, strict on education family and currently living in Tutong District. Nineteen years later, they have now raised four more children, my younger brother and three younger sisters. As the eldest child out of the siblings, my family considered me as the leader and the most intelligent. They have always been very determined to see me attain excellent grades and the highest rank in class, which I usually achieved. At a very young age, I used to be an outgoing loud kid who loved to play with others, and enjoyed sports. As I grew up, I changed a lot. I became very quiet and shy around relatives; I disliked sports and became inactive. I felt insecure until I understood that some of those behavioral changes were actually normal for kids reaching their adolescence.

As a quiet and shy kid in schools, I thought I wouldn't make friends easily. Surprisingly, I did because other students perceived me as approachable. After I moved into Arabic School, I spent most of my times at school. Consequently, my friends at school accompanied me the most and they became my biggest influences in life. They shaped the person who I am now. Unlike how I act around my family, I act differently when my friends are around. They would describe me as funny, talkative and open-minded. The fact that they accepted me as a friend in the first place, despite how boring I was amidst my shyness and quietness, it truly inspired me to be more confident and braver.

I have been very passionate about music since a very young age. I don't play instruments but looking forward to in the future. I am passionate on how brilliant song lyrics can be that they move people into a plethora of emotions. From there, I've aspired to be a songwriter, author and scriptwriter. Besides music and writing, technology has also been a part of my life. I have been in love with the internet, computers, gadgets and games. Not just with their features and purposes, but mostly their designs and structures. I not only consider technology as a convenience but as a work of art or a masterpiece too. Hence, I actively design and edit computerized graphics visuals and fashion outfits as a hobby. I do hope someday I could learn more about design and technology.

Aside of all that, furthering my studies abroad has always been my dream. Since MINDEF Scholarship offers that kind of opportunity, I've been thinking that it might be worth a try. Unfortunately, due to the Islamic education background I have, I might not get the chance to follow my passion for music and designs in the near future. Nevertheless, there is always a time when people have to neglect their passions, but luckily, passion stays long. With that said, people must chase their passions and dreams in any ways throughout any obstacles and that is how I should begin my journey towards success.

Even though the lack of confidence has taken over myself as a teenager, I'd never underestimate myself. I might look isolated or shy from the outside, but I may be confident and determined enough on the inside with the help of support from family and friends.

sabakhai 5 / 11  
Feb 14, 2014   #2
Nineteen years later, they have now raised four more children

At the age of Nineteen, I have four siblings.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Feb 14, 2014   #3
I was born in 1994 into an intellectual, strict on education family and currently living in Tutong District.

... The two ideas, your family background and where you now living do not go well with one another :(
I was born in 1994 into an intellectual family with sound academic background.

Nineteen years later, they have now raised four more children, my younger brother and three younger sisters.

This is pretty confusing. You had your siblings when you were nineteen? I think you need to rephrase this sentence as it tends to confuse the reader.

As the eldest child out of the siblings, my family considered me as the leader and the most intelligent.

.... well, being the eldest does not mean the most intelligent. I think you need to attend to this sentence too :(
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Feb 14, 2014   #4
At a very young age, I used to be an outgoing loud kid who loved to play with others, and enjoyed sports. ...

Well, I don't feel that these information would do any help for you. I feel what they want to know about you is somewhat different to these things. These facts are too personal and do not help them deciding that you are the right candidate ( or if you have already offered the scholarship, then they would want to know what type of character you are - your interests, beliefs, capabilities, background, etc.)
OP syuw1210 1 / 1  
Feb 15, 2014   #5
thank you all so much for helping. I submitted the essay today, and I hope I nailed it. ;) wish me the best of luck!
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Feb 15, 2014   #6
Yes, we do wish you every success with your application. I am sorry that I couldn't provide you a feedback before it was submitted. However, that's now been submitted and there's no point worrying about. I think it is pretty informative and you'll get acceptance from the uni. Stay positive :D

Cheers & Good luck with admission
Pahan


Home / Scholarship / Personal Essay about who I am and what I am passionate about.