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'Pediatric neurosurgeon' - Scholarship ~ Describe your academic or career goals


omo5031 8 / 33  
Nov 6, 2012   #1
Prompt: Describe your academic or career goals in 250 words or less

Response:
I have a dream like no other sixteen year old, I have a vision like no other college freshman and ultimately I have a goal like no other has ever accomplished. See, my dreams are so big; I get scared thinking about them sometimes, but not for once I've I ever thought I couldn't fulfill them. You might be wondering what exactly are the dreams; come into my world and I will tell you what they are. My ULTIMATE career goal is to become a Pediatric neurosurgeon, but it doesn't just stop there, I also aspire to own an orphanage where kids, abandoned kids will be able to see the colors of life and will be allowed to dream big and understand that the sky is the limit. Additionally, I have a goal to travel back to my motherland; Nigeria and help change the inhumane situation there, so no nuclear family will ever have to be separated again as mines was in quest to pursue a more financial stable life. As you might have expected my academic goals are just as big as my career goals; I attain to get my bachelor's degree at the age of 18, I do not just want to graduate college in three years but I also want to graduate Summa Cum Laude. Many laugh when I tell them this but although my dreams may seem unrealistic at the moment, they are mines and without a shadow of doubt I WILL make them a reality.

250 words

Please help review my essay, is there anything irrelevant, does it make sense?
Thank you

Leah_Writer - / 46 4  
Nov 6, 2012   #2
Hello! I think it definitely makes sense, and I applaud your dreams! However, I think in order to come off as mature enough for college, you need to acknowledge a bit more that these dreams will be hard to reach, rather than just saying you will make them a reality. I think you can get rid of some of the buildup in the beginning (before you tell us what your dreams are) in order to have space to do this. I hope this helps!
MrMaro 4 / 12 2  
Nov 7, 2012   #3
Wow, those are incredible dreams! But I think the prompt is asking you to describe them? I feel that in this essay, you are just listing your dreams, and are too brief in their description. I recommend focusing on one dream, and explain it in detail. Why do you want to achieve this dream? How did you come to have this dream? What have you done to further this dream? Why is this dream important to you?


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