This is an essay required to apply the scholarship at the stated university. The submission deadline is near, so I am in urgent need for a response and feedback of the essay. The prompt demands applicants to write about his values and beliefs, with relevant examples. And I chose to write on one value-----"Perseverance" and I gave one of my vital life experience as a support (only one). I hope it would work and impress the admission department.
b.Describe, in less than 300 words, the values and beliefs you hold strongly to. Please provide examples of how you have demonstrated these in your actions.
"Never ever ever ever ever give up."
~Winston Churchill
"Perseverance" is a positive value which I firmly held onto. Once I set my sight on the one thing which I really wanted to achieve, "perseverance" would be the fuel and wings which drives and propels me towards realizing my dreams and goals.
At the age of fourteen, not knowing the exact reason, I am interested in playing the piano out of the blue. The crave for deeper knowledge in music is insurmountable. Before I knew it, I found myself signing up for piano lessons.
Nevertheless, the starting was never easy.
My fingers are stiff. They do not acquire the agility and flexibility which fingers of a great pianist would. The finger-coordination was horrible and reading music resembles a form of brain-torture.
Alas! Nothing similar to music was produced, but despicable noises which serves as an ear-sore. I started to doubt my passion for music, and the thought of giving up is virtually tangible.
"Should I give up?" Time and again, this demoralizing question haunted me.
No! Don't give up, I thought.
It dawned upon me that "perseverance" is just a mere choice of "stop" or "go". It would be an easy choice to make, but what you choose is a life-changing phenomenon. And I would and will always choose the later option.
Now, I am proud to say that I am an accomplished Grade-8 Pianist. I am glad that I persevered, and I will definitely continue to do so.
In any aspects of life, in order to realize your dreams and goals, as well as, to reach the pinnacle of success and excellence, "perseverance" plays a quintessential role, and I am sure not to forgo this noble value no matter how daunting and disheartening the circumstances is.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 Wayne, would you consider including the quote into your essay? I am suggesting that you do this so that the quote can be inserted into the essay as a part of your value and belief system that kept you going when you felt the urge to quit learning to play the piano. Right now, the quote is standing alone at the start of the essay, without giving any actual meaning. The quote gains a deeper meaning, offers a valuable insight into your values and belief system, and shows off an impressive side of your character if you work it into your narrative as an inspiration instead that built your value and belief system. You really have a good presentation going here. It is just the quote that needs to be given better importance and relevance in the overall explanation of your value and belief system. If you incorporate it into the narrative, the overall essay gains more impact.
Holt (Mary), thank you very much for your sincere opinion. I had incorporate your suggestion, as well as, making some grammatical amendments and thoughtful edits. As I found it difficult to insert the quote in the middle of the essay, I ended my essay with the quote from winston churchill instead. I hope, by doing so, the quote can gain more importance and serve as a positive addition to my essay. ( Nevertheless, do tell me so if the essay would do better without the quote)
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 4780 Hi, this is my 2nd and final free advice for your essay. The quote by Winston Churchill, though applicable to your essay does not really offer much in terms of building up the content. If you cannot place the quote in the middle, and then build upon it, it would be best to eliminate it altogether. Placing it at the ending doesn't really make any sense since the essay could have been closed on a stronger voice by simply using your own. The addition of the quote added an extra avenue for discussion in the essay that you were not able to build upon. In my honest opinion, you should just remove the quote altogether and let your own voice be the only one heard in this essay. Once you make your voice the only one in the text, the essay will be better prepared and finalized for use in response to the prompt.
Hi Holt, Thank you very much for your kind advice. I really appreciate your help and honest opinions as they substantially helped me in my essay writing.
