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Scholarship Essay - My Perseverance Goal


babydoll 8 / 39  
Apr 26, 2009   #1
These are the questions I need to answer in the scholarship essay. I think I need to shorten my 2nd paragraph. Don't know how yet.

1. What would you use the scholarship award for specifically (tuition, books, living expenses, etc)?
2. Which area of study (business, nursing, engineering, etc) would you apply the scholarship award towards and why did you select this area of study?
3. How will you use your education to benefit our society?
The essay may not exceed a maximum total length (including answers to all three questions) of 320 characters.

I thank you in advance for any assistance.

My Perseverance Goal
I am glad to have this opportunity for you to know a little about my determination at El Camino College (ECC). I am thrilled to pursue the major Pre Engineering at ECC and hope my experience here will be a successful one to specialize in biomedical engineering technology in the future. Only a few did I mention out of all my own personal experience will allow me to share three traits I have as a responsible student: dedication, passion, and optimism.

...

In my essay, I want to show how my curiosity intensifies me more...and more in this field I've chosen. Perhaps I need to change my wording here in some areas.

I have more experience, but limited to share in one essay that's limits myself to 320 characters. Did I cover all three questions?
OP babydoll 8 / 39  
Apr 26, 2009   #2
How can I initiate managing care for all my family membership medical hardships over the years such as My Mom suffering from Bone Marrow Cancer is most recent, My Dad's terminal cancer, who died in November 1999, and My Son born with a disability, Cerebral Palsy.

I feel my time is rushed to obtain my degree without means to support myself as single parent struggling.

My work is limited upon caring for my Mom, when will my break begin for landing my ideal job, work is a struggle while I'm attending school. I feel I'm rushed through time here getting ahead is hard. Matching my Mom's outgoing expense is a challenge. I have plenty of time taking courses for obtaining my degree, but I feel I'm rush because my Mom's life span is deteriorating. I know she may live another 10 years or 20 years, but how can I know?

I want to be stabilized financially before I'm in trouble here for the worse case scenario.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Apr 27, 2009   #3
Did the instructions specific 320 words, or 320 characters? If they really do mean the latter, you are over by 1400 characters or so! in that case, you will have to condense each paragraph into a single sentence that captures your main point. If you have 320 words to play with, then you can just cut your first paragraph, which deals with none of the three points, and start in directly with your much more relevant second paragraph.

What's the point of your second post? Is it meant as a continuation of the first essay, or is it a separate work? If it is just material you would like to include in the essay, you probably won't have room unless you cut something else, so you will have to decide, based on the criteria on which the scholarship will be awarded, which details are most relevant.
OP babydoll 8 / 39  
Apr 27, 2009   #4
Yes, Sean it's the characters. I tried condensing my Essay in this rewrite.
1101 characters without spaces
with 1311.

Today, my vision in life is set to transfer and obtain my Bachelors of Science Degree at the University of California, Los Angeles. Without the financial assistance in living expenses, Tuition, books and supplies, transportation maintenance from the scholarship program I will not be able to continue with my educational goals especially in these hard economic times. I'm very enthusiastic to continue studies in biomedical technology where one examines human cellular material in search of abnormalities that are the warning signs of cancer-a disease (bone marrow cancer) my mother currently suffers from.From my experience in managing care for all my family member's medical hardships over the years such as My Mom suffering from Bone Marrow Cancer is most recent, My Dad's terminal cancer, who died in November 1999, and My Son born with a disability, Cerebral Palsy. My increased curiosity intrigues me to learn more about how symptoms can change the body chemistry and body, mind, and spirit and how it can also motivate one to overcome such illnesses. From these difficult experiences, I will be able to contribute my research and studies to formulate a treatment so other people can benefit relieving overcome their medical hardship. I wonder how the environmental surroundings may be a common factor.

Should I leave out the bold print or is there a way to shorten. Will they want me to explain the field I am studying or would they assume that I already know from my experience?

2nd rewrite without explainations.

Today, my vision in life is set to transfer and obtain my Bachelors of Science Degree at the University of California, Los Angeles. Without the financial assistance in living expenses, Tuition, books and supplies, transportation maintenance from the scholarship program I will not be able to continue with my educational goals especially in these hard economic times. From my experience in managing care for all my family member's medical hardships, I wonder how the environmental surroundings may be a common factor. From these difficult experiences, I will be able to contribute my research and studies to formulate a treatment so other people can benefit overcoming their medical hardship.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 27, 2009   #5
will not be able to continue with my educational goals especially in these hard economic times.

In "these hard economic times" is a cliche, and seems like a bad thing to mention. It is better to just say:

Without the financial assistance for living expenses,tuition, and other expenses, I will not be able to continue with my educational goals especially in these hard economic times . I'm very enthusiastic about continuing my studies in biomedical technology...

You shouldn't capitalize "Son," or they'll think you don't know that it is not a proper noun. Especially if you do it more than once.

About that part in bold, I think that it is good that you tell them you want to enter this field because of your passion related to mother's disease. It is not necessary to EXPLAIN the field, but it is good to write in a way that shows that you know a lot about it -- because that shows how serious and single-minded you are.
OP babydoll 8 / 39  
Apr 27, 2009   #6
I'm now playing with the words here try to shorten ones where I can be precise.

Today, my commitment is to obtain a Bachelors of Science Degree at a University specializes in biomedical technology. How will I become a master scientist without the financial assistance in proper training, educational equipment and tools? I'm very enthusiastic to continue studies in biomedical technology where one examines human cellular material in search of abnormalities that are the warning signs of cancer-a disease (bone marrow cancer) my mother currently suffers from. From this difficult experience, in my research studies I will formulate adverse effect for cancer and cell abnormalities so other people can benefit.

My word count update is at 631 with spaces.
OP babydoll 8 / 39  
Apr 27, 2009   #7
I believe I got at 320 now! I will let you know if I was accepted or not. Thank you for all your suggestions.

My goal is to obtain a BS Degree at a university that specializes in biomedical technology. I'm committed to a field where one examines human cellular material in search of abnormalities that are warning signs of cancer-a disease my mother currently suffers from. This scholarship will help finance the proper training, supplies, and experience I need to fulfill my goal.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Apr 27, 2009   #8
Your answer is excellent. Good job. It can't have been easy cutting down that much when you had so much that you wanted to include. You should be proud of your efforts.


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