Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Scholarship   % width Posts: 3


"Perseverance is key" - Questbridge Bio Essay


Moodykhedr 2 / 6 2  
Oct 6, 2014   #1
We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow?

"Ma- Mamuut" She struggled to pronounce my name, with an un-real smile.
"For this part of the test, please describe what the man in the picture is doing."
He was standing next to a tree, dazing into the sky, with a pair of white headphones in his ears.
"Uh..Umm..." I paused and thought intensively. "He- he's hearing to a song, m-making a look to the tree " I stuttered.

She had a fit navy blue suit on, with the American flag pinned to the top right pocket of her blazer, and a puzzling look on her face.

I was a mere child at the time, only 12 years old. At least that's what I thought.

"You did great a great job! We will let you know where your class will be." Her tone was disingenuous. Later, I was placed in the "Special Ed Class", with kids who are usually having a very time apprehending lessons in class and cooperating with teachers.

[...]
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 6, 2014   #2
"Ma- Mamuut" She struggled to pronounce my name, with an un-real smile.
"For this part of the test, please describe what the man in the picture is doing."
He was standing next to a tree, dazing into the sky, with a pair of white headphones in his ears.
"Uh..Umm..." I paused and thought intensively . "He- he's hearing to a song, m-making a look to the tree " I stuttered.

- ... gazing into the sky... paused and thought deeply ...

with kids who are usuallyhaving a very time apprehending lessons in class and cooperating with teachers.

- ... usually have a very hard time comprehending lessons...

A few months after I was born, my family, including my one-year-apart brother

- ... one year -old brother...

who was also a year apart from me.

- Why do you keep saying year apart? Say older brother and older sister instead. Saying year apart does not make sense unless your brother and sister are fraternal twins.

- ... my younger sister ...
Moody, I will stop editing your paper here because of the disconnection in the introductory paragraph and the rest of your essay. You made it clear at the start that this essay was going to speak about your learning disability and then stopped. You turned to talking about your family composition, moving around the Middle East because of your parent's work, and then finally coming to the U.S. You barely touched on your education in Saudi. Where exactly does the learning disability that you experienced in the American school fit in? You need to revise the content by deciding on the central topic of your essay and building it up in the manner that the prompt requires. Do you still have time to do that with less than an hour to go?
OP Moodykhedr 2 / 6 2  
Oct 6, 2014   #3
Louisa,

I really hope you are still up. Thank you SO much for your feed back. I've made some serious changes, but still have to cut down on the words (nearly 1000)

"Ma- Mamuut" She struggled to pronounce my name, with an un-real smile.
"For this part of the test, please describe what the man in the picture is doing."
He was standing next to a tree, gazing into the sky, with a pair of white headphones in his ears.
"Uh..Umm..." I paused and thought deeply. "He- he's hearing to a song, m-making a look to the tree " I stuttered.

She had a fit navy blue suit on, with the American flag pinned to the top right pocket of her blazer, and a puzzling look on her face.

I was a mere child at the time, only 12 years old. At least that's what I thought.

"You did great a great job! We will let you know where your class will be." Her tone was disingenuous. Later, I was placed in the "Special Ed/English Second Language Class", with kids who usually have a very time comprehending lessons in class and cooperating with teachers.

Seventeen years ago, I was born in Cairo, the capital of Egypt, in a city called Giza. A few months after I was born, my family, including my one older brother, moved to Saudi Arabia and resided there for the next 7 years. I did very well in school as I was at the top of my class. My sister was born a year after I was, which forced my mother to abandon her career to raise us. In search for a better job, we moved to Jordan for the next four years. Settling in was hard. Beginning the school year, I had difficulties adjusting to the educational system and the social life, which surprisingly was completely different than Saudi Arabia's. I discovered that even though I spoke Arabic, my lingo and the way I pronounced certain words classified me as an outcast. After months of being the joke of the class, and falling behind academically, I began to catch up as my mother continuously tutored me and taught me enough to re-gain excellence in class.

With my mother giving birth to two more kids, 3 years apart, the load on my father got heavier and he had no other option but to send us back to our home country, Egypt, and travel to Sudan for work so he would be able to send money for food and clothes.

"I want you to take care of mom and your little siblings," he said to me, with a breaking voice. "Even your older brother, because you know how irresponsible he is."

In that swift second, I immediately felt like I was carrying a bag full of steel. Although it sounded like a hard job, I actually felt like a super hero, because I was entrusted with such duties at 10 years old. I constantly looked over my siblings, fed the younger ones, always helped in the house, and even tutored my older brother.

A year later, my father comes back, and tells us to pack our bags: We are headed to America! As ecstatic as our mother was, we had absolutely no idea about where we are headed, and wherever this "America" was. All we knew is that it was something good.

My parents believed it was the turn-around in our lives. And we were just as excited- if not more- than they were. However, it wasn't anywhere near as easy as we expected. Our family grew; we were 9 kids, including my stepbrother that my father had brought along. With only one source of income in the whole family, my father began to work twice as hard, spending longer nights at work, and barely getting any sleep at home. However, it was still not enough. There was always an argument about not having enough to pay the bills, or not enough for food or clothing. It was never enough. As our financial difficulties grew, the arguments, the anger, and the aggressiveness grew at home. Most importantly, I grew. I began to take more responsibility in the house, being the meditator between my parents, and beginning to make a decent amount of money by selling candy, snacks, and soda to fellow classmates, and expanding to the whole school!

I was a mere child at the time, only 12 years old. At least that's what I thought.

I overcame my difficulties in middle school by attending after school student enrichment programs, countless hours of tutoring, studying, and joining reading and math clubs. By the time I got to high school, I was a strong student, ready to take on the rigorous beastly classes high school was said to offer.

I knew that I had to begin working, so I got a part-time job at a pizzeria, to support my family. Starting high school, with work on my hands, allowed me to mature quickly and have a strong vision for the future. Since my high school was new, with my class being the second graduating class, it offered no Advanced Placement or International Baccalaureate classes. Eager to challenge my self, I took two college courses my junior year of high school and joined one of the most rigorous classes- Virtual Enterprise. Virtual Enterprise is basically an international student-run business, where I was able to exponentially grow. As Chief Of Design, I designed our company website, which won #1 International website, and went on to intern with my school to design their website and graduation program.

Through determination, perseverance and plain hard work, I overcame the educational challenges I faced, and was able to take responsibilities at home, and take a slight load off the shoulders of my parents. I grew as an individual and student, and most importantly a family man. My educational aspirations consist of acquiring a Master's degree in Business Administration that would assist me in pursuing a career in the business field and specializing in the fields of Marketing, Advertising and Finance. On the other hand, my career vision is to startup a non-profit organization that provides low-income families all over the world with free tutoring, educational classes, and all financial consulting services.


Home / Scholarship / "Perseverance is key" - Questbridge Bio Essay
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳