Hello,
Please be nice as you grade. People write from their hearts.
I need some help with a good ending.
Also, I once posted an essay on essayforum but I saw another kid's essay and they copied off mine for the exact same school I was applying to with that essay (during Undergrad applying). Please don't do that to me again.
Thanks,
Here it is:
1. What does philanthropy mean to you and how does this understanding impact your pursuit of this internship opportunity?
Each statement should be approximately 500 words in length.
"Stop that cat!" my cousin yells as we run after the furry Figaro. I tried to open the door carefully so she wouldn't get inside the house, but Figaro's a lot skinnier than she looks. Now, she dodges the table legs, hops onto the velvet couch, steps on the laptop, and slides across the waxed hardwood floor. Once my cousin finally catches her, he puts her outside and chains her to the birdcage, her temporary home. I had wanted her to live in the house, not outside, but since my brother has allergies, Figaro was booted out.
When the three of us bought Figaro from the flea market for five dollars, we thought we were doing an act of charity by saving her from the place where dogs didn't wag their tails, parrots didn't talk, and cats stuffed in brown boxes looked like huge dust bunnies from the lack of grooming. We knew Figaro needed love right away. So after flying out of the market, we headed straight home to give her a can of tuna--the first of our kind gestures. Within a week under our care, Figaro changed from being a fragile cat that despised human hands to an agile finger nibbling friend.
But although we all adored Figaro at first, staying outside late at night to make sure she went to sleep, pouring warm milk with brown sugar into her bowl, and buying many toys for her to gnaw at, my brother and cousin started to lose interest in her--complaining about all the work they had to do for her. Of course taking care of Figaro was going to be a lot of work, but that was part of the deal when we rescued her. Wasn't it? They didn't think so.
"Animals don't have feelings," they said to me. But I knew animals did. Though different physically, they have souls just like humans do.
My brother, instead of preparing a bath for Figaro, sprayed her with cold water from the hose. My cousin, annoyed of how she would pad pad pad into the garage, would shoo her away with a stick. I'd go to Figaro afterwards and pet her, gently cooing to make her feel better. But then one day, when I was out buying a little cat house for her--after all, the birdcage was no home for a cat--my cousin got so mad at Figaro for coming into the garage that he kicked her.
"You should've seen it! She sommersaulted a foot in the air." said my brother, trying not to laugh.
"Where is she?" I asked, eyes widening. After searching for her near the birdcage and in the garage, I found Figaro sitting on the patio gazing at the sunset. She glanced at me then continued looking into the distance.
"Oh, Figaro, it's ok," I say as I lean down to pet her like I usually do. But when she feels my fingers on her head, she gets up, takes two steps away from me, and sits back down. I knew she had feelings, even if she was a cat; Figaro was hurting. Nobody deserved what she was going through. I left her by herself to let her think things over and feel better. Something had to be done.
The next day, I took Figaro to the animal shelter, hesitating. Maybe this isn't a good idea. But then I realised I wasn't doing this for myself. I was doing it for her. (something about how you are separated from her in the end and highlight how you did something for her betterment because she was not a cat to me, she was a friend. I want to help those who are... connect to opportunity (internship)).
1) It was too informal. Though it is not an essay for english course, you still need to use formal words. your sentence structure and words are too colloquial.
e.g. pad pad pad 2. sommersaulted etc.
2) Every fields of study have some terminologies. Read some articles regarding philanthropy and pick some Jargon. It will make you look like someone who researched on what s/he is talking about. It will raise your possibility of being accepted.
3) If you check the dictionary, philanthropy actually means goodwill to fellow members of the human race; especially : active effort to promote human welfare. So it is all centered around human not wild life. But I must say your essay does prove that you have a kind heart and this is a good thing for your purpose. Now you just have to prove that you have similar attitude towards underprivileged people. (But If you are applying is an organization working on animal rights then its OK )
4) Your first paragraph did not give a sense. Elaborate a little bit. such as, I did not understand why would you have to open the door carefully to make sure the cat doesn't get into the house. I would rather close the door to ensure that. I am sure you have a good answer for that...so write that in your essay.
5) don't use "--"
6) I liked the pronoun you used for Figaro. Other people would use "it".
7) You should work in your grammar. especially Tense. You missed your tense in your third line of first paragraph.
8) Please write it again. and this time start with an introduction that begins with a story and ends with what you think philanthropy is. And make sure it is about human only. then write two paragraph explaining how generous you were in that story. And in conclusion mention what humanitarian work you want to do in future and how the organization you are applying can help you. BEST OF LUCK.
