Hello, I have a scholarship opportunity from Lake Superior State University.
Directions:
The successful candidates must demonstrate interest in public service, as reflected through leadership roles and volunteer activities in their school and community. Each candidate is required to submit a formal essay detailing his or her values, goals, and public service experience. The essay should answer the question: "How do my leadership and public service roles relate to the goals and ideals of Senator Philip A. Hart?" The successful candidate's essay will demonstrate his/her knowledge and appreciation of Senator Hart's career, values and ideals
lssu.edu/finaid/pdf/Phil_hart_p1.pdf
Here is what I have so far:
True leaders are not born; instead they are created from the willingness and dedication needed to guide others, as well as themselves, to success. Leadership is the act or instance in which a person influences others to achieve a primary goal. It is the creation of achievements directed in such a way that is more cohesive and coherent for everyone. An effective leader embraces many quality traits, but I believe motivation, self-discipline, leading by example, and interpersonal skills, are the most important attributes a true leader can hold.
Motivation is an important attribute in a leader. It creates the act of giving others a reason or incentive to carry out an action. It is the reason for doing something or behaving in a particular way.
Senator Philip A. Hart was an excellent leader who carried this attribute. He used motivation to encourage the people in electing him, a democrat, over a two-term incumbent Republican Charles E. Potter. He was able to inspire enough minds to win by a 54% to 46% margin. Without motivation, the society wouldn't have been able to see the goals and ideas Hart had; he would have never become a senator.
I believe motivation is also an important attribute of mine in which I demonstrate on many occasions. One instance in particular occurred when my coach was late for a soccer practice. My teammates quickly thought of it as a day off and began to mess around. That's when I stepped in and convinced everyone that we need to practice because we had a big game the next day. Even if it was setting up a small scrimmage against ourselves, we were still practicing while allowing for it to be fun. I was able to motivate others, inspiring them to get in "game shape" while still holding the entertainment factor of not having a coach. Towards the end of the practice, our coach did show and was pleased to see that we were all dedicated to getting ready for the important game.
Self-discipline is another significant element in a leader. It is the ability to do what is essential or reasonable without being directed by someone else.
Senator Philip A. Hart held this characteristic when making tough decisions for the security and wellbeing of the people. Because of Hart's position on gun control and busing, there had been a call from conservatives in Michigan to recall Hart. They created bumper stickers reading "Recall cures Hart attacks." Hart never gave in to these attacks. He kept true to what he believed in; did what he thought was necessary and by doing so, the recall effort was essentially shut down because of all the supporters who understood Hart's ideas.
This is also another key characteristic that I believe I possess. In my sophomore year of high school, I had a choice of either playing on the JV soccer team or the freshmen soccer team. I knew that all of my friends were on the JV team, but I decided to stay with the freshmen in order to provide them with a positive role model. Frequently sitting on the bench with the JV team or playing as a captain and helping others become successful were the choices placed in front of me. I disciplined myself; I left my friends to create better players for future teams at our high school. The players were able to look up to someone and have a leader to guide them in the right direction.
Another important quality in a leader is leading by example. Leading by example is convincing people to listen and believe that following you is the proper path to follow.
Senator Philip A. Hart... (In this section I'm not sure what to put for Hart?)
Last year, I had a taste of what leading by example really meant to me. I was a part of a robotics group called Team Rush. I was on the drive team subgroup along with two other students. When our team was competing, I was one of the three representing the entire team. I had to be the role model and show that our team was proficient. While I was out on the field, I had to exercise motivation and dedication; I had to demonstrate how our team was categorized as professional. I had to make good decisions so that when the time came for others to be in my shoes, they would be capable of choosing what was best for them.
Last, but certainly not least, interpersonal skill is another vital characteristic in a leader. Interpersonal skill is the concerning or involvement of relationships between people; the ability to cooperate with others.
Senator Philip A. Hart... (In this section I'm also not sure what to put for Hart?)
It is another characteristic that I personally believe I hold. I always try to stay in a positive manner so that it is enjoyable for others to be around me. I take time to listen to others, valuing there opinions, and staying open-minded so that there voices are heard. I try to take everyone's thoughts and fuse them into one great idea. On my robotics team, I was credited for having the most upbeat attitude. It made it easy for people to socialize with me; they were comfortable being around me, and they trusted me. Having this trust, we were able to combine our ideas and achieve our common goals. We had the ability to work together without confusion and push our way through obstacles that got in our way.
It is not possible to be a good leader if no one is following. Good leaders are able to merge everyone's ideas and ambitions causing others to want to be a part of something. Leadership is not about taking a poll and leading by consensus, it is about motivating others, unifying and aligning their visions and common goals. These are only a few of the many examples that a true leader demonstrates. It is difficult for anyone to create world changing events all on their own, but a good leader can influence others and together create a positive change. I am a leader who plans on doing just that.
Those two sections about Hart are basically what I'm stuck on. How does it sound overall? Thanks
Your essay at the moment tends to be a dull read, because you use weak verbs. For instance, notice how many times you use forms of "to be" in the first section:
"Motivation is an important attribute in a leader. It creates the act of giving others a reason or incentive to carry out an action. It is the reason for doing something or behaving in a particular way. Senator Philip A. Hart was an excellent leader who carried this attribute. He used motivation to encourage the people in electing him, a democrat, over a two-term incumbent Republican Charles E. Potter. He was able to inspire enough minds to win by a 54% to 46% margin. Without motivation, the society wouldn't have been able to see the goals and ideas Hart had; he would have never become a senator. I believe motivation is also an important attribute of mine in which I demonstrate on many occasions. One instance in particular occurred when my coach was late for a soccer practice. My teammates quickly thought of it as a day off and began to mess around. That's when I stepped in and convinced everyone that we need to practice because we had a big game the next day. Even if it was setting up a small scrimmage against ourselves, we were still practicing while allowing for it to be fun. I was able to motivate others, inspiring them to get in "game shape" while still holding the entertainment factor of not having a coach. Towards the end of the practice, our coach did show and was pleased to see that we were all dedicated to getting ready for the important game. "
Worse, many of the other verbs you use are fairly weak, too, such as "have," "become," etc. So, try to revise your essay to use more vibrant verbs, and your writing will surely improve.
I believe motivation is also an important attribute of mine in which I demonstrate on many occasions.
This is also another key characteristic that I believe I possess.
Another important quality in a leader is the ability to lead by example. Leading by example is a way of convincing people to listen and believe that following you is the proper path to follow.
Last, but certainly not least, interpersonal skills are another vital characteristic in a leader.
I take time to listen to others, valuing their opinions, and staying open-minded so that their voices are heard.
We had the ability to work together without confusion and push our way through obstacles that got in our way.
"It is not possible to be a good leader if no one is following." Good point!
Here are a few more tweaks, and if you take Sean's advice, this will be great!
good luck
