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Piano lessons, paint, dance, and sports; SCHOLARSHIP/Supply Management Master's


dianallc 1 / 3 2  
Mar 10, 2013   #1
Hi, first of all I must mention I am not a native english speaker. I am a mexican student applying for a scholarship and have to write an essay of 500 words..the topic is "Why do you deserve this scholarship?" I am an industrial engineering applying for a Supply chain management master's programme...long story short..my gpa is 78% out of 100, which would be considerate as low, the scholarship is directed to excellence students, I tried to make my essay more about why I should be givin an opportunity with my low gpa as I believe excellence goes beyond a high gpa. I have a rich curriculum full of activities , i even have a bachelor in piano as well... I don't want to write about how my gpa is low because of the basics of engineering that have nothing to do with my major , I have excellent grades on the subjects related but I don't want to seem like I am making up excuses...and also I tried to be very careful to not sound coky in the essay. please give me your feedback, and corrections.. or any suggestions you think I should take!

...
Ever since I was little, my family has encouraged me to find a profession that impassioned me. I found that passion in Industrial Engineering and Supply Chain. Growing up, I was always attracted to learn about the value chain activities behind every product or services that was being able for me to use or purchase. My career goals were settled with the experience I gained through university and practical work; I will be a supply chain manager and have an international career. To me this goes beyond organizing systems and networks of interconnected businesses, but also about contributing to economy by reducing the barriers in global supply chaina that could increase global GDP and world trade.

For a low-middle class family like mine; go on exchange, attend one of Latin America's top university's and studying my master's degree abroad seemed like a dream. Today, I am proud to say that thanks to my efforts, perseverance and support from my family, I've achieved two of these dreams, and I am giving my best to reach the last one on the list; doing my master's degree abroad. Eventhough my passion for supply chain management and dedication is well reflected on my performance on the subjects related, I am aware that my GPA may not be the highest among all applicants. However, I am confident to say I am among your most promising applicants for this scholarship.

I believe I deserve this scholarship because I am a determined, eager to learn and possibly the only candidate with the unique blend of skills and tools I've acquired through the years, that will ensure my success in the masters program above mentioned. I've been a very active person since an early age and tried diverse activities that have certainly made an impact in the person I am today and who I will become.

Through piano lessons, paint, dance, and sports; I've learned about discipline, to push myself harder, to never give up, to never leave stuff unfinished, and to know there is always room for improvement. By studying engineering I've learned to turn adversity into opportunity and about exploring different approaches to obtain results. By learning four different languages ; French, English, German and currently Dutch, I've become a more culturally aware person, who recognizes the importance of the activities that will differentiate me in the future from others that may come from similar backgrounds. By organizing events, participating in entrepreneurship and innovation competitions, doing communitary service, and participating in student and leadership associations; I've become an effective leader who commits to the responsabilities I have towards society of not only leaving a better world for future generations, but to be a valuable citizens to our world.

I deserve this scholarship because I possess all the qualities a scholarship leader should have, the strenghts , motivation, perseverance, conscientiousness and a true passion for knowledge. I would be thankful at the opportunity to flourish in a very competitive and internationally-appealing university such as ___________
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Mar 11, 2013   #2
Ever since I was little, my family has encouraged me to find a profession that impassioned mefor which I am passionate about.

I found that passion in Industrial Engineering and Supply Chain. Growing up, I was always attracted to learn about the value chain activities behind every product or services that was being able for me to use or purchase.

I think you can combine these two lines;
Growing up, I got interested in learning about value chain activities and soon found my passion in Industrial Engineering and Supply Chain.
However, I think you better present this in a more convincing manner... Talk about some specific case or incident that you were interested... this sounds too general!


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