Hello, my name is Ellesse Jones I am 17 years old. I am currently going to Fontana High school, I am involved in volleyball, I love it, and I will be playing in college at Mt.Sac for one year and transferring to La Sierra UV. The people who inspired me would be my parents, my sisters, my grandmother, and my coaches. To start off my parents are very supportive in any and everything that I do. If it's something that they know I can do it but I think I can't, they push me to my fullest to do it, an example would my Exit Exam. I had a lot of trouble trying to pass the math part. All I can hear my parents saying is "You can do it, I believe in you". With my parents giving me that support that I needed I past it! It was a joy to have that lifted off my shoulders.
My sisters I look up to a lot the reason why is because they are very strong women. I am the youngest out of 4 children and I saw the struggles and mistakes they went through to be successful as they are today. They tell me that they know I can make it in college and keep going just like they did. I couldn't ask for any other sisters in the world. They support me in everything that I do and push me. There are times when I use to get mad that they would push me but I see it's because they love me. All three of my sisters believe in me and that gives me the courage I need and I'm very thankful to have them in my life.
My grandmother is the best grandma anyone can ever have. She is the reason why I am pushing myself, to make her proud just like she was with my sisters and still is. My grandmother is always supporting me in my sports that I do coming to all my games, cheering for me and making her proud. If we lost a game she still says we are winners no matter what. She is always there when I need to talk to her about anything. I know when there are days that I'm down weather it's because I lost a game or about school, or life in generally but, by the time I'm done talking to her about the problem she puts that smile right back on my face.
The two best coaches in the world would be my volleyball coaches Gomez and Smith. I don't know what I would do without them. They are the best coaches that I ever had. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be a strong athlete like they taught me to be. There would be days were I did not want to do certain drills or anything hard and they would make me and push me to my fullest. They have truly been helpful throughout my years playing volleyball at Fontana high school. They believed in me and gave me the support that I needed on and off the court. I am truly blessed to have coaches like them.
My plan after high school is to study to be a nurse and I know I can do it. I would like to be working with the pediatrics younger kids. I love kids it would be a joy to work with cancer or sick patients. Also I am determined to finish my first year at Mt.Sac and will transfer to La Sierra University and continue my next years on playing volleyball. I know I can do it with all the supporters I have. I have faith in myself that I can accomplish anything if I put my mind to.
In general, it's a decent rough draft I would say. I would work on better transitions between sentences, the flow is a little off. For the last paragraph, how do you know you can be a nurse? It's not an easy job, I'm working as a nursing aid and even that can be tough at times. Explain what makes you qualified to be a good nurse. Also the sentence, "I love kids it would be a joy to work with cancer or sick patients" is really insensitive. I know you probably mean the best, but cancer and illness is never a "joy", these people may be dying. You shouldn't enjoy that.
Hello, my name is Ellesse Jones I am 17 years old. I am currently going to Fontana High school. I am involved in volleyball, I love it, and I will be playing in college at Mt.Sac for one year and transferring to La Sierra UV . The people who inspired me would be my parents, my sisters, my grandmother, and my coaches. To start off my parents are very supportive in any and everything that I do. If it's something that they know I can do it but I think I can't, they push me to my fullest to do it, an example would my Exit Exam (what is an exit exam? explain!) . I had a lot of trouble trying to pass the math part. All I can hear my parents saying is "You can do it, I believe in you". With my parents giving me that support that I needed I passed it! It was a joy to have that lifted off my shoulders.
I look up to my sisters very much, due to the fact that they are very strong women. (see how much just changing the wording can make a difference?) I am the youngest out of four children and I saw the struggles and mistakes they went through to be successful as they are today. They tell me that they know I can make it in college and keep going just like they did. I couldn't ask for any other sisters in the world. They support me in everything that I do and push me. There are times when I use to get mad that they would push me but I see it's because they love me. All three of my sisters believe in me and that gives me the courage I need and I'm very thankful to have them in my life.
My grandmother is the best grandma anyone can ever have. She is the reason why I am pushing myself, to make her proud just like she was with my sisters and still is. My grandmother is always supporting me in my sports that I do coming to all my games, cheering for me and making her proud. If we lost a game she still says we are winners no matter what. She is always there when I need to talk to her about anything. I know when there are days that I'm down whether it's because I lost a game or about school, or life in generally but, by the time I'm done talking to her about the problem she puts that smile right back on my face.
The two best coaches in the world would be my volleyball coaches Gomez and Smith. I don't know what I would do without them. They are the best coaches that I ever had. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be a strong athlete like they taught me to be. There would be days were I did not want to do certain drills or anything hard and they would make me and push me to my fullest. They have truly been helpful throughout my years playing volleyball at Fontana high school. They believed in me and gave me the support that I needed on and off the court. I am truly blessed to have coaches like them.
My plan after high school is to study to be a nurse and I know I can do it. I would like to be working with the pediatrics younger kids. I love kids it would be a joy to work with cancer or sick patients. Also I am determined to finish my first year at Mt.Sac and will transfer to La Sierra University and continue my next years on playing volleyball. I know I can do it with all the supporters I have. I have faith in myself that I can accomplish anything if I put my mind to.
I would personally reduce the amount of I's used within the context of your essay and widen your vocabulary horizons and expand on different usage of words to describe your point of view.. other than that pretty superb. :)
..."You can do it, I believe in you". With my parents giving me that support that I needed I past it! It was a joy to have that lifted off my shoulders.---You wrote almost a whole paragraph about your parents, but it is supposed to be about your plan, right? I think you first paragraph should explain your plan, and the rest of the essay should give all the details.
My sisters I look up to a lot the reason why is because they are very strong women. This is a run on sentence, and also it continues to be about something other than your plan.
Use a comma in this kind of situation:
The two best coaches in the world would be my volleyball coaches, Gomez and Smith.
I don't know what I would do without them. They are the best coaches that I ever had. I think sometimes you give too many sentences that repeat the same idea.
Another run on sentence here:
I love kids it would be a joy to work with cancer or sick patients.
The last paragraph is the only one that really answers the question of what you want to do after graduation. This is more like an autobiography. I think you should get focused on the main idea or theme, and you should give a lot of details, goals, deadlines, etc.
:-)
thank you :)
