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I have a plan to major in advertising or journalism; Scholarship/ Personal Statement


RAYE 1 / -  
Apr 16, 2013   #1
Hi guys~ this is contents (goals, achievements, extra-curricular activities)of my scholarship application.. Especially, I have a lot of shortages of grammar. Can u fix it??

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First of all, I have a plan to major in advertising or journalism. For two years, I am going to learn basic knowledge of communication area and graduate with an Associate of Art degree from Seattle Central. In addition, I intend to transfer to 4 years university to focus on my major deeply. My short term plan is participating in various club activities and volunteers outside of school as well as earning good grades in the school in order to transfer to a university successfully. Furthermore, if chances to learn more knowledge in the university are given to me later, I would apply practical internships related to my major. Therefore, my ultimate goal is to work in the domain of broadcasting so that I can communicate with the public through mass media.

I think that I've had more refreshing and diverse achievements than others. To begin with, I graduated from elementary school to high school with excellent results. I was always at the top of the whole school in especially art and physical courses, because I was interested in not only English but also Art and Music. Moreover, my parents supported me to be distinguished in many different fields. Meanwhile, I have ever taken Foreign Language High School entrance exam to improve my English skill. Although I failed the entrance exam, I began to be interested in learning foreign languages such as English and Chinese. The most important academic accomplishment is that I kept acquiring scholarships in the university in Korea (2010-2011). I tried to maintain great grades during two semesters, because I wanted to reduce my parents' financial burdens. Not only those academic fulfillments, did I join lots of clubs such as broadcasting and choir when I was a middle school and high school student. Through the broadcasting club, I learned how to handle a sound system and a lighting apparatus and I realized the way to lead members of choir as a conductor. In the university, I did many volunteer activities such as events to prevent missing children and farming to help many farmers regularly. Additionally, I could be aware how to assemble students' opinions, plan school events and lead the whole school by joining student council (2010-2011). I assure that these various activities in schools will influence my future career positively and these experiences will be useful for me to cooperate with others.

Although achievements in schools play significant roles in my life, I have been involved with many extra-curricular activities. From Middle school to High school, I strived for gaining valuable volunteer careers by myself. For example, I taught English to children regularly who have difficulty financially. Last year, I joined University Students Volunteer Club supported by a big company in Korea. From the club, I helped many children for their study and came on in Corporate Social Responsibility activities. Presently I sort products and distribute food to people who have troubles purchasing enough food at the Food Bank every Saturday. Through these volunteers, I have learned virtue of sharing materials and minds with each other. Also, work has been also significant part of my life. During a leave of absence of my university, I kept earning money to prepare my studying abroad without my parents' help. Especially, working in a cafĂŠ as a barista is most impressive throughout my life. This is because I had an opportunity to make a lot of coffee in personal which is I am usually interested in. Moreover, I realized the way to treat other people through manners of serving the customers.

Since I was young, my parents have supported me both materially and mentally. Even my father is working in a foreign country so that I can study in the USA without economic difficulties. I don't want to give heavy burdens to my parents anymore. When I was young, studying abroad was one of my dreams. Now when that dream is accomplished, I am dreaming another one, scholarship. I hope that when this goal is achieved, I will be able to provide something meaningful to myself, my parents and, by extension, my colleagues in future.
shuynh4 - / 4 1  
Apr 17, 2013   #2
Your intro paragraph, especially for a paper that is key in receiving a Scholarship, should NEVER begin with "First of all". When using a transition like this, you want to start it off in your second body paragraph. Here is what i suggest:

I have a plan to major in advertising or journalism. For two years, I plan to learn the basic knowledge of communication,and graduate with an Associate of Art degree from Seattle Central Community College. In addition to that, I intend to transfer to a for year University to greatly focus on my major, and hopefully earn (Insert whatever degree you wish you earn). My short term plan is participating in various club activities. as well as volunteering outside of school, and earning good grades to transfer successfully. Furthermore, if it is possible to gain more knowledge in the University I plan to attend, I participate in any internships that are offered in my course work of study. Therefore, my ultimate goal is to work in the domain of broadcasting, so that I can communicate with the public through mass media.

Things you need to work on
- Sentence structure
- Grammar
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Apr 18, 2013   #3
.... Great advice by shuynh4 ... I too feel that your response sounds too direct.

For two years, I am going to learn basic knowledge of communication area and graduate with an Associate of Art degree from Seattle Central.

For two years, I want to acquire basic knowledge on communication methodologies and graduate with an Associate of Art from Seattle Central. .... you acquire knowledge and learn subjects

I think that I've had more refreshing and diverse achievements than others.

... it's good to tell that you've got great achievements, but avoid comparison... it sounds as if you are too competitive in nature.


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