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What are your plans when you finish your studies - essay for Master Degree in TESOL

d2ny 12 / 39  
Feb 12, 2017   #1
First Essay for AAS (Australia Award Scholarship) Master Degree in TESOL

Kediri - lecturer position in english

Hi, is this good enough to answer the questions? Thanks before.

1. What are your plans when you finish your studies*? (500 characters)
After I return from my study, I am going to apply for a lecturer position in English teaching in universities in Kediri. Kediri is a developing city which has some potentials in it. The quality of English taught in university there is not as good as the other bigger cities such as Malang or Surabaya. I am eager to become part of the people who devotedly spend their energy and time in increasing the quality of English teaching and help the students to become great teachers.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,199 4315  
Feb 12, 2017   #2
Rather than telling the reviewer about the shortcomings of Kediri, you should be explaining how you will be using your newly gained knowledge about how to teach English at the university. Signify your plans to help develop the English teaching standards at the university due to the potential of the students. Don't make Kediri sound like a hopeless place as you do at the moment. Focus on knowledge sharing between you, the students, and the other teachers as part of your post study plan. Then explain that you want to do this because of the untapped potential that the people of Kediri have to learn English as a second language. It is not necessary to tell the reviewer that the quality of English education there is not as good as the other cities or areas. That is not his concern. His main concern is focused on your post study plans alone. So the response should focus only on the points that I mentioned earlier in this paragraph.
okorobiadimma14 6 / 82 50  
Feb 12, 2017   #3
Dany, you should consider the fact that 500 characters is quite different from 500 words. Here, the prompt is pretty word sensitive and as such, you must not spend the words on irrelevant points. You should attack the prompt from the onset of your starting sentence. As you have been rightly advised in the previous review, be specific about what you plan to do. Due to the few words at your disposal, which the reviewer is also aware of, I would like to advise that you think of one remarkable thing you can do on your return to your country with respect to the course you studied. State it as your topic sentence (i.e the very 1st sentence of your essay) and then elaborate on it. That way, you would be able to immediately engage the reviewer with your post study plan, while judiciously utilizing the few characters in telling a brief story.
PKM 2 / 5 1  
Feb 13, 2017   #4
You can also incorporate your learning and say that whatever I have learnt will be helpful not just for me but also for my community as I would share my knowledge and learning with not only the students but also with my co- workers.
OP d2ny 12 / 39  
Feb 13, 2017   #5
How about this one?

Applying for a lecturer position in English teaching in universities in Kediri has been my dream to disseminate my knowledge and experience to the students and lecturers. Many choose Kediri as their destination to study English teaching and it is my chance to help them sharpen their techniques with the skills that I will have gained upon my completion of the program. I am planning to bridge collaborations between the university and Australian institutions for training and research purpose.
sinchana2017 7 / 18  
Feb 13, 2017   #6
Please find below grammar mistakes.

believe that politics had a great impact on litrary work .
literature in the 19th centery century.

Hope it helps.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,199 4315  
Feb 14, 2017   #7
Dany, please refer to the 424 character revision that I developed for you. This should either be your template for your next revision, so that you can finally get it right, or use this version instead with your application. Either way will be another improvement over your current work.

Upon my return, I plan to apply for an English lecturer position in one of the Kediri universities. It has long been my dream to help others learn the English language as an English teacher and this will be my chance to help them. I intend to ensure that they sharpen their English skills and techniques through a collaboration between the university an Australian institutions that assist in English training and research.
OP d2ny 12 / 39  
Feb 14, 2017   #8
I believe I didn't write that. Are you sure you are referring to the right thing?
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,199 4315  
Feb 14, 2017   #9
Yes, I am referring to the prompt that says "1. What are your plans when you finish your studies*? (500 characters)" All that I did was write your unprofessionally written response sound more professional. Perhaps you were confused because I simply said "Upon my return"? In which case, you just have to say "Upon my return to my home country..." which is one of the plans that you must have after graduation. The version I wrote only paraphrases your response in a manner that better suits the presentation of the prompt information. If you feel that I have not properly paraphrased it, then remember that I am not asking you to use that version of the response if you do not want to. However, it MUST be the basis of your revised prompt response because the presentation I gave you is one that summarizes the content in a professional manner. The version I wrote summarizes your plans for the point when you have returned home and and how plan to use the knowledge that you received at the Australian university.
OP d2ny 12 / 39  
Feb 14, 2017   #10
Hi @Holt, thanks for the revision. I'll use it with minor adjustment in my essay. Thank you for the help.

Edited: When I said "Are you sure you are referring to the right thing" I was talking to shincana2017 whose response was unrelated to our topic, not you.

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