Positions of leadership you have undertaken and what you did individually to make a change- MCF

Please, I need help with checking to see if I have answered the Essay correctly, Grammatical or Typographical errors, where I can improve and if there is any paragraph that doesn't tally with what has been asked. Its 250 words for each essay. Thank you

my leadership potential and abilities

Q: We want to know how you demonstrate your potential for leadership and your ability to give back to your community. Tell us about any positions of leadership or responsibility you have undertaken in the last five years. Please include details of the position you held and what you did individually to make a change.

Back in undergrad school, I was elected as the Public relations officer of my faculty's student association and I was tasked to relay information from the association to the students. But at the time we had a very low student participation rate, I took it upon myself to change this. This was a really difficult task to pull off as all the different departments had their various departmental associations fully running and were hardly interested in the faculty events/ association. I started by creating an inventory of all the students in the faculty. Then we got the student engaged online, we created online communities to make them engage with each other. This allowed the students build relationships and then our programs came in to make these relationships real. This improved the participation rate by 40% which saw us having the first faculty dinner in 10 years.

I belong to a group called the Human Race foundation which I joined on campus while in Undergraduate school. Being a part of this, I had the opportunity to engage in many philanthropic activities such as visiting old people's homes, orphanages and also donating to the campus from the little we had as undergraduates, this helped us build that culture of giving back at an early stage in life.I became part of the leadership in my 2nd year. My team was able to organize a big Career Seminar Event where we brought back alumni's in different fields to talk to undergraduates about their different fields and Student got to air their concerns about the industry and their challenges with school work. This gave rise to a lot of networking which brought about internship opportunities for the students. We were also able to give out 3 scholarships to students that were going through hard times from the little we had contributed with support from our graduate arm and alumni's . 2 of the recipients were orphans who had lost both parents. ( for this I was in charge of finance at some point (3rd year to be precise) and I helped with following up on invited guest for the career seminar and I helped push for support from the graduate arm and other alumni for some of our projects. )

Also, shortly after graduation, I took part in the Reckitt Benckiser Case challenge with some of my peers, who selected me as the group leader. We were asked to come up with a product idea that solves a social issue in our local community. I was able to delegate tasks and motivate group members and optimize collaboration and meetings using Google Docs and Hangouts. We came in Second at the National Round out of 160 Applications.

These are my best scenarios. I would like to pick two to summarize for this essay and word down to 250 words. I am currently considering the last two. please share your thoughts,

Thanks

Hllo kenechukwu, I am also currently working on the same application(university of Edinburgh) .
I think the first two is best since it reflects more on the effects of the things u did to make a change..

Kenechukwu , I have a different opinion from Ameh . You need to keep the second paragraph but focus it less on the "we" part so that is can focus more on the "I" in terms of your leadership that led to the community outreach projects that you enumerated in the paragraph. I believe you should also better develop the presentation of the case challenge with your peers. You said that you were a leader in this instance and your team came in second. Were you able to make this product proposal function within a community setting? If you did, then you should definitely build up that presentation. Your college experience doesn't really indicate a community based leadership experience for you. That is why I decided to advice you against using it. The last 2 will do the job sufficiently provided you increase the narrative in relation to the competition and its applicability in a community setting.

@Holt
Thanks for the Feedback Mary