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Primary health care and nursing scholarship essays


jojojetplane 1 / -  
May 1, 2010   #1
I have 3 essays I need to submit for a scholarship that will pay for my entire tuition... Here are two of my essays.

Please discuss your commitment to pursue a career in primary health care.

"If your life's work can be accomplished in your lifetime, you're not thinking big enough."-Wes Jackson. I think big and will accomplish goals that will make a difference not only in my lifetime but also for the future. My journey begins with a commitment to reaching beyond my community and to help those in underserved areas - in the US and internationally.

Not only am I a triplet, I am full-blooded Lebanese. Before I was two years old, my family moved to the United States of America. Although I was only a toddler, I have always had a different perspective than most people since I was raised in a Lebanese home in an American society. I heard first-hand stories about war and suffering, and I even experienced it when I was in Lebanon during July 2006 when war erupted. That experience changed me forever. I was supposed to leave in two days before the airport was bombed. My summer days of swimming and getting sunburned were long gone as I watched falling bombs ruin villages at whole, smoke fill the sky, and visions of a happy summer have, in just over a week, fade away. As I watched the Jounieh port get attacked, I learned that the world is not fair. There is so much unneeded suffering, hate, and strife caused by the human race.

Through my traumatic experience, a positive and optimistic perspective developed; I am only one person, but I am able to make a difference. The realization that hope must prevail, gives me strength to accomplish something good, to counteract all the evil this world suffers. My strongest wish is to have future generations benefit from my life work. If only I could help one person who is suffering, and have that one person go on with their life and become a contributing member of the society. I want to have the satisfying feeling and comfort that I helped and that I eased some of the human suffering. I cannot think of any other way to accomplish my life goals, of helping others and contributing to the general good, than through becoming a nurse. My life's work will never be accomplished in my lifetime.

What experiences have you had or activities have you participated in that have prepared you to work with underserved populations?

At a young age, my family left Lebanon to come to the States to pursue a better opportunity for my brothers and I because of the war and political tension. Growing up, I heard first-hand stories about war and suffering, which inspired me to volunteer for programs like Head Start and Big Brothers, Big Sisters of America, and in Lebanon. Through these experiences, I am prepared to work in poverty stricken, low-education, limited resource areas.

It was during my trip to Lebanon that I felt that I not only became fully prepared, but also knew that I needed to pursue a career in an economically deprived area. When war erupted, villages were being bombed, hospitals being demolished, and communication becoming scarce; there was an increasing demand for any aid that could be provided to this medically deprived and risky country. When war erupted, many people were fleeing to safer countries, but I felt compelled to make a difference, whether small or large, so I volunteered at a mobile health clinic to provide relief and support. I calmed patients down, translated between English and Arabic, and reported doctor's orders to the patients. I took blood pressure readings, removed stitches, gave shots, removed dying tissue, and anything necessary to keep the patient alive.

Not only internationally, but also in the States, I have being volunteering for about 8 years. I volunteered for Head Start, Mesquite Tree Nursing Home, and Big Brothers, Big Sisters of America in Mesquite and Bryan, TX. Although our resources were limited in these programs, I was able to help kids and elderly of all different nationalities. In return, by my involvement in these programs, I was given a chance to understand their struggles.

Through my experience as a volunteer and refugee in Lebanon, I have become grateful, patient, and understanding for different cultures and socioeconomic statuses. I have become more appreciative of health-care in an industrialized country. In return, I am not only prepared but desire helping those in underserved areas.

any help is appreciated! thank you.
ManDan88 2 / 8  
May 1, 2010   #2
IRT Joann

These essays are quite good, but I do have a few minor comments.

Here are some aspects of the first essay to consider:

1)

I think big and will accomplish goals that will make a difference not only in my lifetime but also for the future.

You may want to rewrite this sentence, as it sounds ambiguous.

2)

I was supposed to leave in two days before the airport was bombed.

This sentence could also use some reworking.

3)

I watched falling bombs ruin villages at whole,

This also could use a revision.

4)

As I watched the Jounieh port get attacked,

Should Port be capitalized?

5)

perspective developed; I am only one

I do not think a " ; " is appropriate in this situation.

6)

to counteract all the evil this world suffers

This is an excessively lofty statement. Unless you want to sound like an Ivy Tower theorist, I would suggest you define the statement a bit more, into some a bit more manageable and realistic.

For the second essay, here are some constructive criticisms:

1)

At a young age, my family left Lebanon to come to the States to pursue a better opportunity for my brothers and I because of the war and political tension.

What war are you discussing? What political tension? You should discuss the specific war, or time period to help the reader better understand the setting.

2)

Through these experiences, I am prepared to work in poverty stricken, low-education, limited resource areas.

How have these experiences assisted you in preparing for a job working with the underrepresented?

3)

When war erupted, villages were being bombed, hospitals being demolished, and communication becoming scarce; there was an increasing demand for any aid that could be provided to this medically deprived and risky country.

Consider refining this sentence, possible splitting it into two separate ones. Again, I think the " ; " is not needed.

4)

When war erupted, many people

This is repetitive.

5)

I calmed patients down ,

6)

I calmed patients down, translated between English and Arabic, and reported doctor's orders to the patients. I took blood pressure readings, removed stitches, gave shots, removed dying tissue, and anything necessary to keep the patient alive.

You may want to rework this section of the essay.

7)

I have being volunteering for about 8 years.

8)

I was able to help kids and elderly of all different nationalities

9)

understanding for different

10)

In return, I am not only prepared but desire helping those in underserved areas.

Rework this.

Well, over all I would say you have a wonderful concept. If you were to take these two essays and remodel them with a more fluid and cohesive writing style, I think you very well may have a free education presented to you! Best of luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 3, 2010   #3
...in the U.S. and internationally.

Not only am I a triplet, I am full-blooded Lebanese. --- what does this have to do with anything you just wrote? If you are writing about thinking big and making a big splash in the world, use a topic sentence that supports this idea. don't change the subject.

I like that paragraph about your experiences of war and unfairness... so... keep that paragraph, but change the topic sentence so that it talks about your determination to make a big splash in the world.

ADD a sentence to the intro paragraph that says you became determined when you saw terrible suffering and violence in Lebanon.

Through these experiences, I became well-prepared to work in poverty stricken, low-education, limited resource areas.

I like the second essay a lot. At the end of that second essay, write a sentence that refers back to something you said at the beginning of that second essay. That will wrap it up nicely.

:-)


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