Essay #3
Briefly describe a situation in which you felt that you or others were treated unfairly or were not given an opportunity you felt you deserved. Why do you think this happened? How did you respond? Did the situation improve as a result of your response? I would appreciate and help and criticism.
Throughout a person's lifetime they will encounter many instances in which they will feel as if they were treated unfairly. At the young age of sixteen I have already experienced my fair share. Childhood was not easy for my siblings and me. My family and I emigrated from Nigeria to the United States in 2002 and straight from the beginning, times were rough. Adjustment to life in the United States was hard at first but eventually became a little easier. As a child, I watched my parents struggle to raise four children and provide for their everyday needs on nothing more than minimum wage. My mother worked two jobs in the fast food industry and my father worked as a trash collector for the city of Detroit. Life came with its trials and tribulations, but the greatest struggles for me were at school. At school I was constantly picked on, and at a young age I faced my first instances of injustice.
I remember the day as if it was yesterday. I walked into my first day of class at Adams Middle School as a new student. The teacher introduced me to the class, announcing my name to everyone; Emmanuel Enechukwu. As the teacher announced my name I could hear the instant giggles and laughter of the students. It wasn't until someone asked; what kind of last name is that, that I understood why they were laughing. The teacher explained to the students that I was from Nigeria and that's why my last name wasn't so common. From that day on I faced many instances of bullying that I couldn't understand. I was treated differently from the other kids just because I was different. I didn't feel as if I was different from anyone, but to my fellow classmates I was. This was a situation in which I felt that I was treated unfairly. The students never got the chance to know who I was before they judged me. To make matters worse as much I complained to teachers and school officials for help, but no one seemed to care and I had to take matters into my own hands.
At a young age, it took me a while to understand why I experienced the things I did. I never had the nicest things and would often wear the same clothes because my parents couldn't afford any new ones. I didn't understand why kids picked on me, but as I grew up I started to understand. People tend to make fun of things that they don't understand. The kids that picked on me didn't understand who I was as a person, my culture, or my background so they picked on me. Going through this made me realize many things.
To overcome the obstacles I faced I decided to become a lot more proactive. People made fun of me because I was Nigerian, they didn't understand my culture, and my family situation. I took it upon myself to explain my culture to my fellow classmates and to those who picked on me the most. I enjoyed enlightening people on my culture which they knew nothing about. As people started to get to know me and understand who I was as a person the bullying and hazing stopped. No one had a reason to pick on me because they knew about my background and the hardships I've experienced in life. I realized that no obstacle in life is too great to overcome, and I plan to carry this philosophy with me throughout life.
It seems as if the first paragraph, with he exception of the last sentence, is quite unnecessary and irrelevant. You answer the prompt (the or allows us to choose which to respond to) but your response lacks some things I wish to learn about you. At the end of the third paragraph, I do not really understand what you "realized." Make the reasons you were treated unfairly clear. Keep the essay focused about school so you could write about your family on some other Gates Millennium Essay. I can really relate to you and I am also applying for this scholarship. Good luck and I hope I was of some help :)
Thank you for your feedback, i really appreciate it.
First of all, great story! I'm Ugandan and African American. I get made of from both sides. Secondly, I think your essay is very good and straight to the point. You answered the prompt completely. I don't think it needs many changes aside from what mlozano11 wrote. You may just want to describe everything in a little more detail. Everything looks great though. Good luck and I hope they pick you!
Thanks for the input and feedback. Looking back at my essay i see where i can make a lot of improvements to make it a more clear essay.
In the first paragraph, there was no consistency between the object " a person's" and the pronoun "they", and the last two paragraphs seem not to go with the chronological arrangement of the events. Great essay anyway, just revisit some areas, and try hard to "SHOW" and not "TELL".
