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Product, a condominium, or a sports car? a short essay on something of personal importance to you

kellywee1234 4 / 6 5  
May 4, 2020   #1
Hi I am applying for a scholarship and here's my essay. I do not have a good English background so pardon me if you spot any grammar or sentence structure mistakes (do let me know too)! This scholarship is extremely important to me so please do give me some advice if you can. The guideline is 150- 200 words. If my essay can be better elaborated using other topics, let me know too! Your help is greatly appreciated. :D

"What is the most important thing for you?".

A branded product, a condominium, or a sports car? These things might seem common among some opulent people, but may be unapproachable for some.

I was on an exchange programme in the Phillippines and we spent a beautiful afternoon at a village. The children's radiant smiles have brought happiness to everyone. The housewives gathered to make handicrafts for a living; while the men were building a ditch. The way of living remains traditional: woodfires are used and electricity is inaccessible. The village was hit by the tsunami a few years ago but the residents have started afresh by rebuilding their own houses. The villagers are contented with their lives - a seemingly undesirable life for most. A simple message from the villagers is to be thankful for what we have.

Frequently, I hear people complaining about their lives. I am too, guilty of that act. The privilege to have shoes on our feet, the accessibility to clean water, and shelter above our heads seem so unattainable for some people. I have realized, the most important thing is to appreciate what we have, and never take things for granted.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,535 3447  
May 4, 2020   #2
The response is okay. You just need to restructure the presentation to make it more effective. You can actually remove the first paragraph that you have at the moment. It doesn't really move the essay forward. It is almost disconnected from the rest of the presentation. It would be better if you move up your current last paragraph to the top of the statement, making it your introduction and direct response to the question. It flows better into the current second paragraph about your volunteer work in the Philippines. Add a new concluding statement about how your experience opened your eyes to the importance of being thankful for what you have. You might need to add a paragraph or two about what the villagers were thankful for where it appeared they had lost everything, thus making you realize the importance of thankfulness and never taking things for granted. Wait, I think it would be better if you just focus on thankfulness. Don't include taking things for granted. It doesn't go well with the narrative. It seems to have suddenly appeared out of nowhere and doesn't have any supporting information within the presentation.

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