Hello everyone, please kindly give feedback to my scolarship essay, i am open to any kind of criticism, i would love to hear something about my essay from another perspective.
Please summarise, in words that can be understood by a person outside your field, details of your proposed leadership activity, why you chose your proposed host organisation and what your proposed leadership activity is intended to achieve. Also provide details, including proposed dates and locations of any proposed fieldwork and/or internships.
Enhancing my contribution
My name is Haekal, i graduated from Brawijaya University majoring in English education. With my current degree i am able to teach English as a second language to people around me, especially student from elementary school up to senior high school.
However instead of putting a sole focus on getting the best job in the market like most fresh graduate usually do, I intend to take master degree of applied linguistic in Monash University. Monash became my first choice because it is the top-ranked university in Australia in linguistics and applied linguistics, in the Excellence Research for Australia (ERA) Report (2012) Monash achieved a rating of "above world standard".
The reason why I chose applied linguistic as my future study, some courses I took during my previous study such as Pragmatics, Semantics, and Phonology can be a useful basic knowledge for my future study. My future thesis will also be related to my undergraduate thesis which is about finding a correlation between a speaking and listening skill in higher education students, a course like second language acquisition will be very valuable for my future research.
In addition, currently I am working as teaching volunteer in junior high school, and in the future I would like to develop my family's institution which consist of kindergarten, elementary, and junior high school by putting emphasize in English, this is where master degree in applied linguistic would play a vital role.
Finally, after two years studying in Monash university Clayton campus, starting from 29 July 2019 until 30 June 2021 I will be able to:
1.Contribute to my community
2.Capable of being a lecturer
3.A researcher focusing in the field of foreign language acquisition
4.Developing my family's institution, creating curriculum policy emphasizing in English as second language.Hi Haekal.
As for now, one of my concerns is for the third paragraph, because first, I cannot find the the relevance in previously taken courses to your reason in choosing applied linguistic as you only mention that your previous study will be a useful basic knowledge.
Second, I also failed to understand this part: "My future thesis ..." Do you mean that Monash offers second language acquisition course and it is helpful for your research?
If so, I think this perhaps will explain your point better: "My future ... students. One of the course offered by the program is Second Language Acquisition, which I believe will be very valuable for my future research."
Finally, while I believe this is only a draft, I think you should be careful with typos such as pronoun 'I' and 'Monash University' that should be in capital letter.
Best of luck!
thank you dininta, much appreciated, yes this is only just a draft, an almost ready one at that point, i am very grateful that you point out the part where you can't find any relevance, i will try to fix that !
The reason why I chose applied linguistic as my future study, is because my future thesis will be related to my undergraduate thesis which is about finding a correlation between a speaking and listening skill in higher education students, one of the course offered by the program in Monash University is Second Language Acquisition will be very valuable for my future research.
In addition, currently I am working as teaching volunteer in junior high school, by achieving master degree I can extend to teach students in higher education level. In the future I would like to develop my family's institution which consist of kindergarten, elementary, and junior high school by putting emphasize in English, this is where master degree in applied linguistic would play a vital role.
Here is the revised version of my 3rd and 4th paragraph, once again any input is more than welcome.@ haekal
