I need your feedback on my essay about my proposed study for Australia Award Scholarship (AAS).
I'm not sure if it answered the question and clear enough.
Your feedback would be really helpful and very much appreciated. Thank you very much
WHY DID YOU CHOOSE YOUR PROPOSED COURSE AND INSTITUTION?
After attaining my bachelor degree in Civil Engineering with a concentration in Hydrological Engineering, I have always known that the future of water resource infrastructure will be highly essential because Indonesia has an abundant water resource and to utilize the water resource potential will be a very challenging and complex task for engineers. Aceh has always been in the position where the infrastructure development is slowly progressing especially in water resource utilization. Moreover, with a supporting topographical conditions and abundance of water resource; I believe there is still a lot of development potential in Aceh that can be made. I realized there has been many research conducted regarding the water resource utility in Aceh yet as it is still on progress, engineers still face a few challenges in completing this task especially in terms of technological development. Back in college, I chose GIS (Geographic Information System) as a topic of my undergraduate thesis, combined with an analysis of water resource for hydropower plant. Additionally, having learnt about GIS during my internship in Tsunami & Disaster Mitigation Research Centre, I believe there is still a lot of knowledge about this technology that can be of use for improvement in water resource studies. Hence, I would like to get immersed in learning this technology and cultivate it as a means to support my goals in providing some solutions for the advanced analysis on water resource issue. I choose to pursue Master of Engineering in University of Technology Sydney because it encompasses the use of GIS in its civil engineering course. UTS is also known as one of Australian universities whose key areas of expertise also include ,"Catchment Modeling" and "Flood Simulation" and has invested to world-class facilities for learning environment therefore I believe this university is aligned with and perfect fit for my goals.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,511 3437
Do not give the reviewer information about your college and career background. The application of your proposed study / course should be forward thinking. That means, the relevance of the course choice, must relate to your future plans of which your masters course choice will be of help as a learning tool. You should use the following elements of your current essay for the revision:
- I would like ... water resource issue.
- I choose to pursue Master of Engineering because the future of water resource infrastructure ...complex task for engineers.
- Aceh has always ...water resource utilization.
- I believe there ...water resource studies.
- University of Technology Sydney because it encompasses the use of GIS in its civil engineering course.
The last part about the university needs to be better written. Not basing your reason for choosing the university on researched information, explain how the university will provide you with the technical skills training that will be required of the engineers and why their learning program jives with the requirements of your job back home. Do not use the information you have now. It does not tell the reviewer anything he doesn't know about the university. To make your essay stand out, you need to provide original information that ties your course choice and university choice with your potential as a future engineer in your country. Explain what work related problems the course choice will help you resolve in short form. Then relate the technical training from the university with that as well.
Based on the paragraph and sentence choices I offered you above, you should be able to revise the essay to be more directed in approach and also, allow you to relate your future plans for water use in Aceh with the course choice and university option.
You have to re-focus your essay. Particularly important is your personal and professional reasons to choose the course. Don't show about the possibility of the country's available resources. Rather focus on how you can contribute to development by studying Hydoelectrical engineering. University choices should be based on the relevance of the course rather than having not needed words like world class. This word should be represented by actions and effective training module. For example, their pioneer activities, their research in the field globally, their impact in hydroelectricity in some countries etc.
Good Luck again.
thank you so much for the feedback,
i will revise my essay again,
and good luck to you too
thank you so much for the feedback,
I will revise my essay again according to your advice,
thank you very much