How will the proposed study in cybersecurity contribute to my career as a software engineer?

Hi everybody, I would like to share my essay for AAS. Any kind of feedback will be appreciated, Thanks!

to become a cybersecurity specialist in bssn agency

My future goal is to be a cybersecurity specialist in State Cyber and Cryptography Agency (BSSN) which will allow me to strengthen law and regulation for national cybersecurity system, develop a secured digital infrastructure, and empower the domestic industry of cybersecurity. With the opportunity from Australia Awards, I believed that my goal will be achieved.

To reach such optimistic goal, I need to have the knowledge and practical skills which will I get from a reputable and well established cyber-secured system in the state, in view of the fact that in 2020, Australia is one of the top 20 country in the world which has the best preparation for cyberattacks. In addition, Australia had a state cyber security center which not only defend the national security for cybercrime, but also serve each individual and their business to make their online-related experience safe. By taking this degree in Australia, I will learn a high standard of cybersecurity implementation system and be a one of few trustworthy cybersecurity specialists in Indonesia.

Recently, Indonesia's government began to aware about the cybersecurity issue in the country and started developing new regulations about national data security of their people which leads to high amount of cybersecurity engineer needed. This opportunity empowers the growth of security engineer career in Indonesia as well as the cybersecurity industry, therefore, within this expertise, I will continue my path in Software Engineer, particularly as security engineer where I can handle and maintain security protocols and gain experience in data security of the company. I believe my proficiency in cybersecurity from the course combined with my experience in technology solution company will give a great benefit to the institution, not to mention, for greater national cyber defense.

You should not have included the discussion about Australia's position in the world in regards to their cybersecurity expertise. That does not have anything to do with your future career as a software engineer. There are only 2 paragraphs that should be present in this statement. The paragraphs are as follows:

Par. 1: Recently, Indonesia's government began ...national cyber defense.
Par. 2: My future goal . ...will be achieved.

Your career goal response is that simple. No extra information is required. You only have 2000 characters to work with. The reviewer needs a straightforward and relevant response from you. By focusing on these 2 discussion points, you will achieve that target. Once you change the content of the statement accordingly, you will just need to work on the grammar presentation to correct the errors and create a smoother response presentation.