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My proposed study will help me to understand people better. Positive for my career and for Indonesia

Ivonsestia 2 / 6 1  
Apr 10, 2018   #1
Hi all, please kindly help to review my essay. Thank you in advance

How will the proposed study contribute to your career?

People, Planet, and Profit

My proposed study will help me to understand people better. In addition, I also had a chance to work on social welfare agency in Australia for more than 500 hours to fulfill the requirement of the course, which means I can gain more experience and knowledge that I can implemented later in Indonesia after I finish my study. I want to continue giving contribution to Indonesia by join Non-Governmental organization that focusing on human issue. I am pleased to help Indonesia by improving and developing the quality of people, together with increasing the sense of self-awareness and belonging of the Indonesian population. In company, there is one phrase known as Three Ps which stands for People, Planet, and Profit. Elkington, John (1994) on Wikipedia said : "This phrase describe three bottom line and the goal of sustainability". I believe this phrase could also be used for my nation, Indonesia. These three factors will impact the future of Indonesia. I also have faith when I give my contribution to Indonesian people, I can make impact to another two factors indirectly.

Studying Social Work in Queensland University and meeting a lot of people will give me more learning about life, which could be used to develop myself and others. So, I can share my experiences to people and inspire them. In the future, I wish to actively being a speaker about human development in a campus, school, office, or community environment.

In summary, continuing my master degree in Social Work course will give positive impacts for my next career and for Indonesia's improvement.

Source : en.wikipedia.org

abdo65619 1 / 10 9  
Apr 10, 2018   #2
I want to applaud your enthusiasm to make a positive impact on your community. The journey might be tough, but always remember that: "nothing good come without work".

Regardless your grammatical mistakes, your essay needs to be organized first. I want you to seriously consider the following points:
1- In the introduction, start by writing about your academic background, and how you became interested in the field.
2- At least try to make a four paragraph essay. And each paragraph should focus on one point. For example, getting a better understanding of others, a whole paragraph could be just about this. You have to mention how the study will help you get this good understanding?, and how you can benefit from this skill?

In another paragraph you can talk about how the study will help you get a position in an organization that focuses in humans issues? And how working in like this organization will help you improve the quality of the Indonesians, and raising their awareness of the pride of belonging to Indonesia. Golden advice: "in admission's or scholarship's essays AVOID the generality, always be as much specific as you can. And find a reason for anything that you write"

3- Do not write single sentence conclusion, this will make the reader feels that you are exhausted, and you do not have a good command on the language. In scholarship essays the last paragraph should assert your strength. If you want to sell someone something, what would be your last words to close the deal?!

4- Take sometimes and reread your grammer book, this will save you from obvious mistakes that would disqualify your essay.
Following these advices would improve you essay significantly. Make the modifications and let us see!
All the best,
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,660 1998  
Apr 13, 2018   #3
Ivon, do not treat this essay like a research paper. These scholarship essays do not require you to cite sources in your essay. In fact, you should not be mentioning any factual information in this type of essay discussion. When you are asked how the proposed study will contribute to your career, you are being asked to think about your future career plans. All masters degree students cite career advancement as the main reason for their desire for advanced studies. So the reviewer wants to know, what is the career objective that you have in mind in relation to the studies you wish to undertake? There is no sense in mentioning your past experiences at this point. Those are worthless because the focus is on your immediate career plans after completing the course or, a 5 year career plan in relation to your advanced studies. You don't really present anything of the sort in this essay which means it is not properly responding to the prompt. Nobody cares about the researched information. Nobody cares about your vague references to work experiences. What matters the most in this essay, is how your future career will benefit / progress through the actual discussion of the connection between specific course subjects, training courses, and other academic objectives in relation to your career goals. Think of your career goals then review your course curriculum, connect the two dots and then discuss. That would create a more proper draft response for this essay.
OP Ivonsestia 2 / 6 1  
Apr 19, 2018   #4
Thank you @abdo65619 and @holt. Your feedback gave me some insight and it means a lot.. and I have prepare the revised essay, and will post it on new thread. I will be really glad if you guys can give another feedback:)

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