List and describe three unique factors that have most shaped who you are (any obstacles you have faced or passions you have developed are especially relevant).
1. Violin: My grandfather, a music fanatic, brought a violin from China as a gift right before my birth. Although it sat in the garage for years, when I discovered it, I couldn't put it down. How could I? Playing it for hours helped me forget my woes about my parent's divorce, and my lack of friends after moving. My blooming skill allowed me to perform at county performances and win awards. Most importantly, it was the first skill that I put effort into that allowed me to gain respect from my peers, mentors, and parents.
2. Band: Learning the violin was not enough, so I decided to join band class. I learned the thrill of competition through fights for first chair. Through these competitions, I met my best friends. Countless times, I stayed in the practice rooms, rehearsing my music, and while dancing along with friends to the original recordings. These shared afternoons allowed me to connect with the people around me and realize our similar passions. Most importantly, the feeling of satisfaction after every rehearsal made me realize the joy in coming together to make a harmony.
3. Daily Commute: Over the years, my daily commute has evolved. During elementary school, my family would walk me to school. I started riding a bike to school alone by middle school. Heartless bullies would always intimidate me by surrounding me and also by stealing my possessions. Nowadays, I still ride my bike to school. Reckless teenage drivers have almost turned me into one of the lifeless road kill animals that litter the road. Thieves at school have broken and stolen two of my bicycles. But this time, thoughts of friends give me the mental strength to push on for the next day.
If you could change one thing about your community, what would you change and why?
I would change the safety of the community. It's too dangerous to even become acquainted with the neighbors. Once, somebody set up a prank that ended up burning down four vehicles. Another time, the neighborhood bulletin sent out a warning about a peeping tom. There are multiple cameras set up throughout the neighborhood fail at catching illegal drug transactions. The neighbors are rowdy and hold all-night parties, with loud screams and music breaking the quiet of the night. If the neighborhood did not have these kinds of shady characters, everybody would feel safer.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Under the blistering hot summer sun, my friends and I discovered a hidden island in the pond behind our houses. It was a leafy and shady mess of vegetation that offered an adventure, and it was only a jump away from where we were standing. Everybody wanted to explore the island, but nobody wanted to jump.
The boys took the initiative to show their valor. With a grunt of effort, each one sprang into the air and sailed onto the island. Finally, it was the girls' turn. Each stared blankly at each other, willing somebody to make a move.
I decided to skate down a hill to gain enough speed and power for the jump onto the island. Alas, I stumbled headfirst into the water, flailing and splashing about in the water as my skates pulled me downwards. The filthy mud and slime swirled about my head as I struggled to break the surface of the pond. My first attempt to break free from the pond led to false hope flooding my senses. I desperately grasped the loose grass on the edge of the pond, but the hope quickly disintegrated like the weak grass that crumbled in my fists. Again, my skates dragged me down into the murky depths. Once more, I lunged out the pond, flailing wildly for anything to grip. A slender oak leaning towards the water lent me a sturdy branch. Despite the unnerving flexibility of the branch, the branch provided me with a stalwart support, allowing me to escape a watery doom. I finally emerged, triumphant from my fight against the pond.
I laid myself on the edge of the pond, panting, gasping, and sucking all the air I could back into my lungs. Then, I fainted from exhaustion. By the time I woke up, all of my "friends" had fled the scene.
That day, I walked home, alone, with my life as a consolation prize. That day, I learned the power of perseverance in the face of adversity.
What do you all think about these essays? Any constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for commenting on my essay (: Your advice was very helpful!
Although it sat in the garage for years, when I discovered it, I couldn't put it down.
Although it sat in the garage collecting dust for years, I could not put it down once I had discovered it.How could I?
I don't think this part is needed...
Countless times, I stayed in the practice rooms, rehearsing my music, and while dancing along with friends to the original recordings.
Countless times, I stayed in the practice rooms and rehearsed my music, while I danced along with friends to the original recordings.For the daily commute, you need to talk about how this shaped who you are. You talk a lot about the obstacles, but you don't say really anything about how this
changed you.
I like how descriptive and suspenseful your personal statement was. I also really like your first sentence; it really grabbed my attention. I think you need to analyze the experience more though. You talk a lot about what happened, but I think you don't say a lot about how this changed your life.
