Questbridge (full-ride) Scholarship Essay

We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations, and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors helped you to grow?

In middle school and all throughout my adolescence, I was constantly being told that high school is THE place. The place where you finalize the foundation of the person you want to be and where you create the roadmap of your life. Your career goals, interests, and morals are developed throughout your high-school career. However, no 13 year old really listens and grasps this foreshadowing information. No 13 year old is prepared for their life to evolve right before their eyes.

Having an intrinsic motivation towards a particular subject or job, according to Psychology, will always improve your performance. Money and getting A's are, of course, a great reason to do your job. However, once you look past the concept of getting something in return for what you're doing, that's when your performance becomes genuine. This is the reason for my academic success. Even when I was in elementary school, I was always dedicated to willingly memorize my times table (which was a pretty big deal in the first grade). Now, of course, I care about my grades and I sometimes tend to develop that mindset that goes along the lines of, "I got a B on that test? Well, I guess there goes my hopes and dreams." Of course, there have been sleepless nights of studying and doing homework from the second I get home from school. But at the end of the day, I genuinely enjoy education. I enjoy learning things that I didn't comprehend before. I enjoyed Junior year when I had two hours of Calculus and learning about derivatives and slope fields. I enjoy sitting in Physics and learning about electromagnetic force, and how we're going to apply acceleration in real life situations. As time went on and my passion for these two subjects grew, my yearning to do something in life involving math and science climaxed. I knew I wanted to somehow integrate both subjects into my future career path, which allowed me to gain a major interest in Engineering. Although I'm not 100 percent sure what career path I want to pursue, I want to make sure I'm always gaining intellect and educating myself. I will never understand students who generally feel apathetic towards education, yet continue to excel academically. It's not wrong to do well in school for the extrinsic perks, but I truly feel pity towards those who don't learn for themselves and just solely do it for the A and the approval from colleges.

One of the morals I live by is the fact that I don't make excuses for myself. Like everyone else, I've gone through obstacles in life which have affected me on an emotional and physical level. However, no matter what hardship storms into my life, I will never allow myself to make excuses for anything less than my true potential. Instead, I use them as a drive to motivate me towards being successful and a better person. Living in a household where only one parent works with a very minimal income to fulfill a family's need is very difficult, to both live with and know I can do very little about it. Being forced to see my father work ten hours doing manual labor, to the point that he has severe arthritis and spinal injuries, just to keep food on the table and still struggle to pay bills is something I never want to see anywhere in my future. I use my background not as an excuse for failure, but to be the catalyst for the drive of my success. I also try my hardest to extract positives out of challenges I stumble upon and embrace them. Coming from a low-income family allows me to not be materialistic, and see life from a perspective that is not revolved around items. It also encourages me to have a job on top of my schooling, which gives me the opportunity to be independent and well-rounded at a young age. Another major obstacle that helped develop my morals is seeing a loved one go through a traumatic experience. My brother, in December of last year, was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. My entire family, including me was in a complete state of denial, as if there was no possible way. "He's such a good boy." "He's only 25. He doesn't drink and he's never smoked in his life. How? How?" I'll never forget the emotional shutdown I had when I was forced to research "Survival rates". However, this emotional state had to cease. Seeing my brother be the one to tell my parents that he's going to be fine allowed me to develop this mindset that excuses should be made by no one. I learned to never stumble upon one individual challenge and allow it to hinder future opportunities of success. I've learned to dissect any lessons or positivity I can from all situations I face. This perspective I've gained from hardships is the reason for my academic success and the reason why I'm eager to pursue a successful future.

Here are my thoughts on your essay.


The second "sentence" isn't a sentence - it has no verb. Here's how you could reword these two sentences:

In middle school and all throughoutThroughout my adolescence, I was constantly being told that high school iswas THE place . The- the place where you finalize the foundation of thefigure out what type of person you want to be and where you create the roadmap offor your life.


"Throughout" is not the best word here in my opinion. Also, this is passive voice. Try this:

People tend to develop theirYour career goals, interests, and morals are developedthroughoutduringyourtheir high-school careers .


Try not to start sentences with however. I think these two sentences can be combined into one.

However, noNo 13- year- old really listens and grasps this foreshadowing information. No 13 year old is prepared for theirhas the capacity to understand how life is about can evolve right before theirhis or her eyes.

I hope that helps you some!

I would like to help you. I want to address the last sentence in the first paragraph and continue with some improvements.

All of the corrections were good but a word needs to be replaced it should be "about to evolve right before his or her eyes."

I want to continue giving you some suggestions for the next paragraph:

I think putting according to psychology in the middle of a sentence can be corrected because of the sentence structure. " According to psychology, having an intrinsic motivation towards a particular subject or job will always improve your performance."

Since this is a scholarship essay, I would suggest describing the next sentence as "great reason to do well in each subject". This would apply to your circumstance and explain the intrinsic motivation.

The next sentence has some corrections: "When I was in elementary school, I was always dedicated to willingly and willing to memorize my times table (which was a pretty big deal in the first grade) . You could also state "multiplication facts".

Today, of course, I still care about my grades but I sometimes tend to develop that mindset in which I state, "I received a B on that test." If you use a question you would form a question such as: Did I receive a B on that test? or Why did I get a B on that test?

If you would like to show emphasis you could say, "in which I exclaim, "I received a B on that test"!

You can use a transition word at the beginning of this sentence: "Yet, at the end of each day I genuinely enjoy education".

*I would also like to give you a tip. You are capitalizing many subjects area which I did some research on. Oftentimes, languages such as taking English, French, or Spanish class are always capitalized. Calculus, physics, and engineering can be in all lowercase letters.

When you discuss your junior year, this should be in all lowercase letters. Since you use the past tense, this indicates to the reader that your junior year is over. Change learning to learned in this sentence.

Continue to use the past tense: "I also enjoyed sitting in physics and learning about the electromagnetic force, and how we're going which helped me learn to apply acceleration in real life situations." When you use "I" you should discuss your personal experience and avoid "we".

Change intellect to "knowledge".

Please read your last paragraph. However, I will help you with some of the meaning in the last paragraph.
-It is better to state "hardships I face in my life".

-Be specific: "Instead, I use them as a drive hardships to motivate..."

-"..avery minimal income to fulfill a family's need, is very difficult to.." or you could use "very little income"

-The next sentence: "..I never want for my future".

-Here is a suggestion: "but for it to be the catalyst for my success"

-"avoid being materialistic". Also, "have a job while attending school".

-The next sentence should begin a new paragraph because you begin to discuss your brother. "My entire family, including me was in a complete state of denial, as if there was no possible way out." Instead of repeating: How? If you felt, "How did this happen?" You could replace those words with that question.

I know that this is a very long post. Take your time and read your final draft.

@Ana, I'd like to help out.

- This is the reason forbehind my academic success.
- Even whenWhen I was in elementary school,
- I was always dedicated to willingly memorize my times table
- Now, of course, I care about my grades...
- Of course,"Of course" is like stating the obvious which you don't have to)
- there havehas been sleepless...

I just notice that you use the same choice of words, if you can widen your vocabulary it will help create an interest from readers.

There you have it, a little help from my end and I hope you make it to the scholarship.