Hello there! I'm Melanie :) This is the first draft of my second essay for the National College Match. Please let me know if you think I should change or omit anything. Does it read well and successfully answer the prompt?
Prompt:
Describe an experience that caused you to change your perspective and/or opinion.
Circling my old elementary school, I'm back at my starting place. Rough, black concrete fills my view again, the ground that would scrape my knees during recess and gym. To the side are the rocky bleachers where all the parents are supposed to sit and wait.
...
No one.
Frantically, I race to the front of the building.
Then the sides.
Then the back.
Then the bleachers once more.
Anxiety begins to rise through painful butterflies in my stomach.
No one is here to pick me up at 2:45 after the final bell has rung.
No one is here to hug me tightly and ask about my day. Walk me home as she always does, weaving me dramatic and exaggerated stories from her afternoon.
My Mami.
For the first time in my life, I don't know where she is.
For the first time in my life, I'm all alone.
Tears blurring my field of vision, I pace around aimlessly until I come across a familiar face: my third-grade teacher. She appears to be leaving the school when I call out to her with wet eyes and a runny nose. Yet seeing how distraught I am, she takes the initiative, gesturing me towards her. We start walking together side by side on the surrounding sidewalk, and she begins talking about the things that interest her. I interject with the occasional question or two but remain mostly quiet at the sound of her engaging voice. Every second that passes, my breathing becomes more and more relaxed, and the sense of foreboding becomes less and less pronounced. Easily, in this renewed state of calmness, I reflect.
I love my third-grade teacher.
She would award me for saying big words during class, giving my assigned group stars whenever I used terms like cumbersome, geyser, or redundant. It was such a strange thing at first, being that my vocabulary stemmed from watching PBS Kids and playing their educational games online. But I would learn soon enough that fun activities could augment my learning experience.
And earn me a bunch of candies and stickers.
When I earned perfect scores in her spelling practice tests, she would allow me to create bonus questions of my own for the real exam. Among these: Dallas, anticipation, exceptional. I wasn't allowed to use those last two words, but the fact that she believed they were advanced sparked a feeling of pride. Her constant support and confidence towards me fostered a warmth in my chest that has yet to fade.
Perhaps, then, I shouldn't feel so worried. There are courses of action that I can take to solve any problem: all I need to do is take that first step. Like that first time raising my hand to share with the class the new interesting word I just learned.
When my teacher brings me to talk with the principal and sit on my own in his office, I maintain my resolve.
@rosemarymelon
I think that overall your essay had good emotion, except I feel like I'm reading two or three different stories back to back. I feel like the part about your mother not being there in the beginning was too long for the fact that the focus of the essay is related to your teacher. Maybe condense it a bit, but otherwise, I think it's good! Good luck!! I'm applying for Questbridge too!
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 The prompt is asking you to provide information regarding an experience that cause you to change your mind or perspective / opinion. Instead, I get an an essay singing the praises of your third grade teacher. This essay immediately has 2 problems within it:
- The focus of the essay is on the teacher rather than your realization
- It happened in the 3rd grade
You are a very good creative writer. Unfortunately, the focus of your writing creativity was on the wrong person and wrong event. The college reviewers would rather see the development of your maturity based on one of the following:
- Emotional maturity
- Intellectual maturity
- Social development
All of these 3 just happen to begin developing within the high school, not grade school years. So you went back in time way too much. It resulted in an irrelevant prompt response. Some topics you can change your response to include:
- Overcoming personal doubts
- Coming to terms with and understanding issues of race inequality
- Gender empowerment
Among other relevant and thought provoking themes that can easily prove a change in perspective and / or opinion. Bring your response up to date. Do not dwell such simple topics that indicate an immaturity and a lack of understanding of the importance of the match prompts.
