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Reasons and Study Objectives Behind Proposed Course and Institution - AAS 2017 Essay Task 1

Monica26 2 / 2 1  
Apr 30, 2017   #1
This is a draft of an essay I wrote for AAS Essay task 1. The admission board request explanation of how I choose proposed course and institution. I will be grateful for any advice either in content or grammar errors. Thank you for your attention.

(characters count 3244 of 2000.)

Please advise me will it become a problem if I my essay excess the characters limit? I do think this can be more efficient in words, but I need people to pinpoint it first for me to see the excess.

Essay after the break

the University of Melbourne admission

As a practicing architect, I fully aware architect has an important role in shaping the living environment. A year ago I had the chance to handle the biggest master plan project I ever worked on and it was intended to be waterfront city. I was excited yet feel the heavy responsibility. If this planning course through the construction phase, it will completely redefine the existing social and natural environment. On this very project, we teamed up with an urban design consultant who seems to create a design from thorough contextual study across many fields. They gave critical suggestions mainly to determine zones of land and gave guidances of how to develop places for communities along the coast and canals. Ever since then this exemplary work has encouraged me to study more about urban planning.

In the other hand, there are two major problems in urban area which I found it concerning and need immediate handling caused by the distorted proportion between population density and land-space. Urban's charm has attracted people from all across the country to make a living. Unfortunately, people who have not succeed and unable to come back to their village have to live in improper places such as under flyovers and along riverbanks. That very reason might also deceitfully used to legalize land reclamation on Jakarta's Bay. Aside from disputable environmental study and issued permit, properties build on reclamation land would have higher--if not the same-price with one in the downtown area. Thus, it is clearly not for the welfare of the public in general. To this date, there are thirty-seven reclamation projects recorded in Indonesia, twenty projects are on-going, and the rest will begin soon. While Indonesia inarguably has many beautiful coasts and rich in biodiversities, they are threatened to be damaged. Therefore, I think the emergence issue is to make urban renewal plan especially for urban cities and land-use and coastline plans based on the feasibility study with spirit to make equitable and sustainable human settlements.

Both experiencing urban life with its day to day problem and involvement in several master plan projects have motivated me to learn about urban planning, which can guide me to understand current issues in urban development, analyze the problems, and capable of providing the befitting answer for social and environment in a contextual way. Moreover, it aligns with my belief that we can create design solutions through research.

The university of Melbourne becomes my first option for the institution where I planned to enroll in, aside from several other exceptional institutions across Australia. Through carefully reading its program, I have faith that the University of Melbourne is a world leading university with an excellent reputation in Urban Planning course which equips students with deep, cross-disciplines knowledge to tackle challenging population and environmental issues. I am also eager to attend Travelling Studio program. I believe it can help me a great deal to use theories I get on classes to devise critical answers to real problems, aside from the opportunity to work alongside people from other backgrounds who will play important roles in my personal growth.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,531 3447  
May 1, 2017   #2
Monica, first things first, when there s a word limit or character maximum provided for the writing of the essay response, it is always best to stick to it. The reviewer will appreciate it if you can prove that you have the ability to follow the simplest of instructions because that shows a sense of preparedness for your masters studies and also, due respect to your reader. So whittle this down to the required word count. You know where you can cut paragraphs, it is fairly obvious to any reader so go ahead and do it. Get to the point immediately, do not waste your time setting up the discussion. If you cannot catch the reviewers attention by providing the necessary information or at least the start of the information within the first 2 sentences, you will most likely stand to lose his attention. With a 2000 character count, you are expected to provide a discussion of 1000 characters each for your criteria for choosing a course and also, your criteria for choosing the university. So revise the essay to better suit these immediate requirements.
az23 5 / 13  
May 3, 2017   #3
I don't think you can write in excess of 2,000 characters on the application page. So please be sure to cut it down.
Revision of para 1
As a practicing architect, I'm fully aware thatarchitects hasve an important role ...
A year ago, I had the achance to (...) plan project I've ever worked on ...
I was excited yet feel feltthe heavy responsibility. who seems to create a design ... fields this section is hard to understand.Theythey, who?gave critical suggestions (...) and gave guidances of onhow to develop ...

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