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Receiving this scholarship would bring me one step closer to making my biggest dream a reality.


summerhollins 1 / -  
Feb 10, 2016   #1
Explain in 250 words or less why you believe that you should be awarded this scholarship (Revise)

Coming from a family of eight and being the youngest, it was financially challenging for my parents to send my siblings to school. My older siblings didn't receive any degrees, and I have to change that in my family. My father is from Africa and he came to this country poor and he made a living for my mom and siblings. I know he wants things to change for me and I know it's up t me to make that change. I need to further my education to make a living for my own, and to make the world a better and healthier place. I believe I deserve to be awarded for this scholarship because I work hard. I am hard working by studying, doing homework, helping my mom out at home and around church, and giving back to the community. I also maintain good grades and I am an honor roll student. Growing up I played Basketball, Soccer, I was a cheerleader, and I was a swimmer. I have a dream that I want to pursue, and getting this scholarship is getting me one step closer to making this dream a reality.

JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Feb 10, 2016   #2
Hi SUMMERHOLLINS,

It is a pleasure to be reviewing your scholarship essay. I made a few suggestions and changes that may help you build a stronger essay. I hope I was able to help. Here it is:

My older siblings didn't receive any degrees, and I havewantYou say "have." Do you really have to? Or do you actually want to make that change to impact your family? to change that in my family. My father is from Africa and he came to this country poor, and he made ...

... and I know it's up to me to make that change. I needwant to further my education to make a living for my own, and to make the world a better and healthier place.This is a weak argument. You want to make the world a better and healthier place. What is wrong with the world now? What changes do you want to implement in the world? Can you be more specific here? Adding information here will make your essay stronger. I believe I deserve to be awarded for this scholarship because I work hard. I am hard working byspend my days studying, doing homework, helping ...

I also maintain good grades, and I am an honor roll student. Growing up I played Basketball,and Soccer,.Also, I was a cheerleader, and I was a swimmer. I have a dream that I want to pursue, and gettingattaining this scholarship is getting me one stepwill get me closer to making this dream again, what dream? a reality.

Your essay is good. However, I think it needs more grasp. What is your dream? Many people can say they have a dream, but do they really? If you mention your dream, it will make it a stronger statement because it is the reason why you deserve this scholarship. You want to follow that dream, and in order to do that you need this scholarship as a step towards achieving that dream.

My impression of your essay is that you want to have a better life than your family did. You want to attain a degree, so you can inspire them and be able to help them. You also want to change and impact the world, but how? You say you have a dream, but what is your dream?

I hope this information helps. This is your first draft. Keep working on it and I would be happy to help you further. Good luck!
Hiddengrace 6 / 119 68  
Feb 10, 2016   #3
Hi Summer. I think you've got a good start with this draft. 250 words is not a lot of space to convey as many things as you've mentioned in this essay/ letter. Instead of trying to include everything you have here, it will make a lasting impression if you choose one or two things and expound on them in more detail.

You mention having goals and a dream, but how is this scholarship going to help you achieve them? Juan makes an excellent point about this. Saying you have this huge generic goal isn't going to impact your essay the way you want it to. You need to include your specific, realistic goals and how this scholarship sets you on the path to achieving them.

I would choose one specific goal that relates to schools/ programs you're applying for and one example of hard work and explain them in detail. You discuss your work ethic almost as an afterthought. This and your goals should be at the forefront of your essay rather than the information about your parents and financial situation.


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