hey, could you help me with my essay :) i need a review
the question is like this "Why you are interested in attending a United World College. Reflecting on UWC's mission and values, what you might contribute to the school/college? How will the education in United World College help you meet your educational and career goals? Why do you want to go there instead of going to regular/international high school in other places?" and they ask me to write it in 300 words. and here is my essay.
I am interested in attending a UWC because i really want to study abroad and take a lot of life values from being an abroad student, where i should be able to organize my self instead from my parents. I believe uwc isn't only a school for doing that. From what i see, uwcers often change the world where they start it from their community. And uwc also give a lot of opportunities to their student for studying both non-formal and formal education and that's all makes me impress to uwc.
Uwc missions inspired me to study harder for sustainable future . it is possible to study with student from over the world where we can share our cultures and forget our differences. And to make it happen, i believe that every uwcers have been know that everyone in uwc wanted to be united rather than separated. And because of it, i will be respect everyone regardless people's gender, and socioeconomic, cultural, racial, religious or national background and be united with everybody.
Moreover, i will introduce the culture of indonesia as much as i can, even though it sounds cliche, but i love the diversity from indonesian culture since i was child. and i'd love to join in service activity that exist in uwc.
The EE and TOK in UWC will improve my skill in analyzing and understanding a problem. The IB will help me to prepare my university application. And i realize without a deep understanding and good preparation, it is hard to apply in top university with my condition as a vocational high school student.
I prefer to go UWC rather than other school because UWC open much opportunities for everyone and accept everyone to be thyself regardless anything, where regular school usually have limits for their students.
Hi Mahfudz, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope to provide you with the best and most accurate feedback as possible in order for you to come up with a stronger essay.
Now, as I read through your essay, I must say that it is written in a way that your reader will think that you are writing only to answer the prompt and not really to believe that you are into what the purpose of the essay is.
What I'm trying to say is, the essay is lacking maturity or formality. To elaborate further, when the prompt ask you of "Why you choose.....", you answer " I choose...", this technique of question and answer is also good, however, it can be better, you can still put a few words or couple of sentence before this, in order to showcase the basis of you decision. Like stating the reasons of choosing such institution, I believe you did elaborate this part but not in a way that it should be done.
In your revision, make sure that you add a couple of sentences that would be your basis in pursuing this goals.
I hope my insights helped.
Hi Tallialvin
After reading your essay, I see that it is pretty organized and clear. You answered all the question the topic asked you, too which is a good thing. However, there is still some mistake that I see in your essay.
1st Paragraph
Your opening question is a bit unnatural. The question sounds like it was make after you have read the school's promotion video. Try more general questions like "Is there a place for me to study in an international environment?" or things like that
2nd Paragraph
"...study harder for a sustainable future"
3rd and 4th Paragraph
I think the 3rd should join with the 2nd or the 4th should join with the 3rd. Try not to put only 1 sentence in a paragraph. It feels like you are listing when you are doing that
Overall: It is an improvement over your first draft. You have made it becomes more natural and not sounds like a sample essay. Try to get the word count exactly 300 words next time (your's was 305). It is also nice that you said that you would respect people regardless of their culture, gender, socioeconomics, racial, religious or national background because that is what UWC want to hear from there candidate and for your information, that is also UWC's aim as well so good job on that part. The part where you explain why UWC is better than others is too general, maybe you reaches the word limit, I guess?
Keep improving and this essay will easily be accepted to UWC
Ps: I'm applying for it, too
