Please review this essay, thank you
Prominent international relations programs
My strong interest in regionalism and human development led me to my current job as a political-security researcher at a diplomatic mission. Working concurrently with xxxx, I realized that regional stability is prominent to xxxx national development. Therefore, I wish to pursue study in international relations in Australia because its international relations programs offer diverse topic from politics to human development, such as gender, poverty, and ethnic integration. Through the degree, I can actualize AAS priority in human development for Indonesia by fostering regional cooperation and stability in Southeast Asia.
My first option is Master of International Relations at The Australian National University. The Southeast Asia Institute of ANU will support my research with multidisciplinary approach between global politics, contemporary issues and specified area studies. I also plan to take concentration in International Politics, Policy, and Security which aligns with my future goal to be a skillful diplomat. Located in Canberra, I can first-hand experience diplomatic engagement and international practice in the city. ANU's self-tailored curriculum will also enable me to combine theoretical-based with practical-based courses, i.e. leadership class and internship to enrich my networking and professional experience.
My second option is Master of International Relations at The University of Melbourne. I chose the program because it offers wide variety of Asia-related courses considering the lack of such courses in xxxxx. As regionalism also contributes to a state's development condition, I believe the courses can provide more insights on regional outlook in understanding the current development stage of xxxxxx. In addition, I can take advanced languages classes at its world-renowned Faculty of Arts, adding valuable skills to my competencies.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,535 3447
Replace "at a diplomatic mission" with the actual name of the mission in your final copy. That will give your application and air of an official capacity. You don't have to tell the reviewer where the university is located. You made that sentence sound more like a website blurb than an actual statement of interest. Try not to use i.e. in an academic presentation. Always state your intentions in full sentences. Do not take shortcuts. This is a formal written interview, show full respect to the reviewer. Always maintain the formal, academic tone.
Expand on why you would like to take language classes. Which classes in particular interest you? How can those languages help you in your line of work? Try to give an overview of your potential to use the language class in your line of work.
Overall, this is a smartly written response. I am not saying you will automatically be given the scholarship, but you have written a good enough response to catch the attention of the scholarship committee. It might be a first round contender in the screening process.