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The road to abolish energy poverty from my country


azadsaleem71 1 / 1  
Apr 29, 2017   #1
I need your help to improve my essay for a scholarship program. I am also finding it difficult to restrict my essay to the described word limit i.e. 500 words. My essay has 700 words.

energy deficiency in pakistan



As a child I always fantasized about saving the world one day when it will be at the brink of destruction and I would be able to build a machine that will save the human race. My predilection for innovation and to contribute to this world was the main reason I choose mechanical engineering.

Since I have opened up my eyes, I have seen Pakistan crushed in the hands of energy deficiency. The political instability in Pakistan has impeded the development of long term and large-scale energy projects. Ad-hocism has continued unabated till today. The tormenting effects of energy poverty extends to every aspect of life and every part of the society. Waiting in line for a whole night every week to get gas for my car, preparing for my exams in candle light due to 12-18 hours of electricity load shedding in summers, unable to cook and eat and sleeping in a cold room due to gas load shedding that extends up 22 hours a day in winters are some of the abhorrent effects of this tribulation that I have myself experienced and has seen my people suffer from.

Albert Einstein said, "The world is a dangerous place, not because of the people who are evil, but because of them who don't do anything about it." As an educated young individual, these observations and experiences have engendered a sense of responsibility in me towards my people and country and my engineering background and inclination towards innovation has invigorated the ambitions in me to tackle this problem with innovative solutions. I want to work as an entrepreneur or with an organization like USAID or Pakistan Council of Renewable Energy Technologies and develop small scale energy solutions on regional level suited to the geography and natural resources of different regions of Pakistan. The projects I want the most to work on are efficient bio gas plants for my hometown and as it is the hub of livestock and rich in stock feed and small scale run-off-the-river hydroelectric plants for different villages of Pakistan.

A master's degree in mechanical engineering with research focus on sustainable energy solutions from a world class institute, under the mentorship of distinguished faculty in a high tech research facility will not only provide me the opportunity to design and developed effective solutions that correspond to the need of Pakistan but will also prepare me to take on challenges to vanquish energy poverty and lead my country to the dawn of development.

University of South Florida is my top priority because of its focus on research, quality of education and its affordability. Hailing from a middle class family and being the eldest of my siblings, my family is only able to support my education for one year. My master's program is for two years and that is where OFID can help me fulfill my dream. I don't want to be a part of OFID just for the sake of scholarship for my master's degree. I want to be a part of OFID's objective to abolish energy poverty throughout my career and I will want OFID's collaboration in materializing my passion and my projects. I have a firm faith in myself that through me, OFID will be able to bring a positive change in many lives.

While writing this essay, siting on my table, drenched in sweat without a fan with temperature above 45°C and no electricity for the past 4 hours, there is nothing I want more than an opportunity to change these abominable conditions and save my people and future generations from the misery of energy poverty. I have been suggested by many not to pursue such phantasmagorical career goals and to just concentrate on my job and earnings. But I want to be part of a bigger picture. The financial shackles and the discouragements have not deterred me from my goals but instead have filled me with more ardor to think beyond my life and be a difference maker for my nation. I want to be able to tell my future generations that I have played my part in making this country and this world a better place for you to live in.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4770  
Apr 30, 2017   #2
Azad, the first thing that you have to ask yourself is, "What was the prompt provided to me when I applied for this scholarship?" What is the topic that the scholarship committee has assigned you to respond to? Are you sure that your essay is responding to the prompt? I cannot answer that question for you because you did not include the scholarship essay instructions with your post. Do a self-analysis of those questions in relation to the prompt. Sometimes, the response that is written does not directly respond to the prompt, which is why the essay ends up longer than it should. Now, if you are sure that you are properly responding to the text, then you should eliminate portions like the first paragraph that refers to your childhood and the second paragraph about "Since I have opened up my eyes" because that does not refer to a proper age in the essay and is vague in reference. Rather, explain the kind of change that you want to bring to your country in relation to the energy crisis and how you hope to become a problem solver in this field. You also need to revise the last part of your essay. It is too exaggerated and the scholarship reviewers prefer only matter of fact, no over dramatized references, in the application essays. Just talk directly to the reviewer, eliminating all exaggerations and irrelevant references. That should help you to bring down your word count to the proper number almost immediately.
OP azadsaleem71 1 / 1  
Apr 30, 2017   #3
Thank you Holt. Your feedback is much appreciated. Yeah I forgot to include the prompt. A short essay - of about 500 words in English - giving reasons for applying for the OFID scholarship, explaining your educational goals, and clearly describing how you will use the experience gained from your Master's degree studies to help in the development of your home country.

Can you please now analyse my essay if it is responding to the prompt? Another thing that I am not sure about is that I have not mentioned much about my educational background. Do I need to include that too or this can still work?
bilal_engineer 1 / 3 1  
Apr 30, 2017   #4
@azadsaleem71

Dear Azad,
Salam buddy!

I've proofread your essay and following is some of the parts which I would cut and edited mistakes in bold:-

As a child I always fantasized [....] I choose mechanical engineering.
Instead of writing this tell the committee what you are doing now and how that connects with your field of study.

Since I have opened up my eyes, I have seen Pakistan crushed in the hands ...
... Pakistan has impeded the development of long-term and ...
... effects of energy poverty extend to every aspect ...

... inclination towards innovation have invigorated the ambitions ...
... and develop small-scale energy solutions on a regional level suited to ...
... work on are efficient biogas plants for my ...

... distinguished faculty in a high-techresearch facility ...

The university of South Florida is my top ...
Hailing from a middle-class family and ...

While writing this essay, sitting on my table, (...) a fan with a temperature above 45°C ...
... me from my goals but instead, have filled me ...


I also want to tell that I cannot get the act of the essay, it is not organized in my opinion. What you can do is following:-

Tell about your current job/situation, connect it with the field of study, tell why this field is so important keeping the problems faced by pakistan in parallel, tell how the completion of this program would help you help Pakistan, don't be vague be sound in what you want to do, mention your goals or some sort of a postition which you are looking after and then end it how crucial will that position on your return will be for Pakistan.

I am not an expert myself but I'm preparing for Fulbright and have known some things. Best of luck


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