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(SACUCCA) scholarship essay. How you have utilized your career service office?


hakimhusein 6 / 10  
Feb 4, 2011   #1
so I'm applying for the San Antonio College and University's career Center Association scholarship opportunity and the essay they require is the following topic: a one-page essay that describes how you have utilized or plan to utilize your career services office to achieve your career goals.

any suggestions you may have as far as grammatical, structure, clarity etc. would be very much appreciated on my part. thank you and God bless


On April 18, 2010 I started the long and common task of packing my belongings to prepare for my trip back home to Texas after being away for nearly five months. This was the longest time I had ever been away from home. I was departing from our nation's capital where I had the privilege of attending Georgetown University while also interning for the United States Coast Guard as part of the Fund for American Studies program. I bumped into Sen. McCain at a local coffee shop and casually chatted about health care reform. Probably a pretty typical occurrence for many people living in DC. I also was able to observe the Pakistani Chief of Navy Noman Bashir visit the US Coast Guard.

Once I arrived back in Texas, I began to immediately look into which institute of higher learning I would be interested in attending. The only two public universities in Texas that offered international studies with a focus in Middle East was the University of Texas at Austin and Texas State University in San Marcos. So those were my two choices in my goal of obtaining a Bachelor's degree. I scheduled a campus tour for both universities at the first opportunity since I was scheduled to go to my parent's homeland of Palestine in only a few days. I first visited UT and spoke with a number of political science professors. It was a really nice department. When I next drove to TSU, I must have taken a wrong turn and ended up at the Career Services Office to ask for directions.

As I was listening to a student worker give me directions, I noticed his last name was of Middle Eastern descent. I decided to introduce myself, "As-Salamu Alaykum" I said or Peace Be upon You in English. It was nice to meet a fellow student who spoke in my native Arabic. Similar to my own dreams, he aspired to become a medical doctor and serve some of the poorest areas in Lebanon. As an international studies major, I understood where the student was coming from. I also have a dream of working for the Department of State as a Foreign Service Officer to perhaps help with the ongoing Arab-Israeli conflict. I know the world has the potential to live in peace and harmony so that Israeli and Palestinian children can play side-by-side without fear of bombs and a constant threat of death. This world is tolerant and charitable, welcoming all nationalities to prosper side-by-side on its land. The student I met began to share with me all the wonderful opportunities Career Services had to offer. After seeing on my resume that I had worked with refugees in the past, he suggested I apply for a job shadowing position with the American Red Cross International. I did just that. During the past Winter 2010 holiday break, I had the chance to shadow with people who did some incredible work for three days with Sudanese refugees. We brought them food, clothing and other everyday essentials we sometimes may take for granted. The gratitude on the refugee's faces is something that makes me more confident in my dreams than ever before.

Nonetheless, it was obvious to my new friend that I still had reservations. He persuaded me to express my concerns. I said, "I must do extremely well on the Foreign Service Exam to get into the State Department with all the other applicants applying." He grinned and shouted loud enough for everyone to hear, "Ridiculous! Are you trying your best? If it doesn't work out this time around, when you do decide to try again, do you think your performance will improve?" I answered, "But I have to become a great diplomat in order to stabilize the Middle East. If I do not achieve all these lofty goals in my life, I will disappoint my family. He retorted, "The only person you're truly competing against is yourself. I know it sounds corny but you have to measure your successes and your failures within, not by what I or anyone else may think". I never knew I would walk into the Career Service Office at 12:30 afternoon on a mere fluke and walk out a renewed man with a new perspective on the goals I hope to achieve one day.

Having experienced first-hand the effects of the seemingly endless violence in the Middle East, I feel compelled to try to help lessen the suffering of families and communities in the troubled region. The path I travel has been paved by many before me and the challenges ahead will no doubt be difficult. At my weakest moments when I hear discouraging news such as Mid-East peace talks breaking down, I am reminded of the words my friend at TSU said to me in a calm and assuring voice, "Hakim, don't strive to be something great, just look deep within your soul and be who you are, who you really are. From that point, once everything is said and over with, let history judge you accordingly. After all, it is history that is and shall always remain the ultimate judge of us all". After seeing how kind and interesting the students at Texas State University were, it was an easy decision to make Texas State my university.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 7, 2011   #2
Right here you should avoid the sentence fragment by putting the two together:
I bumped into Sen. McCain at a local coffee shop and casually chatted about health care reform -- probably a pretty typical occurrence for many people living in DC.

I think you should pay more attention to structure. Structure comes from the first and last sentences of paragraphs. Not always, but mostly. The reader's attention lingers a moment after the last sentence of each para, and we also pause after reading the first sentence of a para. That is the structure. Make is so that this essay is like a bull's eye (target) with concentric circles, and right in the middle is the main idea, which should be expressed in the last sentence of the first paragraph. After that, the most important sentences are the first sentences of each paragraph.

Go back and see if you can add action verbs and imagery words to the first and last sentences of some paragraphs. Make it so that I could just read those sentences and I would deeply understand your main idea.

:-)


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