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The same proportion between boys and girls in a tertiary education for all subjects

Quynhphuong1 1 / -  
Feb 6, 2018   #1

equal numbers of male and female students in every subject

Hello! I am new here and I am posting an essay for my IELTS test. I hope that you guys can help me improve this. Thanks you very much for spending your precious time reading and correcting my work.

Topic: Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In many countries, it is frequently argued that the same proportion between boys and girls should be maintained in tertiary education for all subjects. From my personal perspective, hardy am I in favor of this notion.

To begin with, rather than a gender criterion, there should be a competence-depending standard of assessment for university subjects. In other words, it would be more beneficial that the progress of evaluating and accepting students be based on academic performance, social contribution and hands-on skills, namely leadership, teamwork, problem solving and so forth. Applied to the educational system, this approach can be projected to urge an increasing fairness and objectiveness; thus, to prevent that applicants are suffer from prejudice against them because of their specific gender.

Furthermore, the pursuit of an equivalent proportion between male and female students may be regarded as unfavorable due to the unequal ratio of application from the beginning. For instance, in my country, males often display a tendency to opt for science subjects, whilst arts appear to be have been gaining popularity among girls. As a result, it can be expected that should more males apply for maths, physics or chemistry, this gender can be anticipated to be dominating in these classes, and vice versa.

In conclusion, despite notable pros, the drawback can outweigh the benefits as far as an equal rate of gender is concerned. Personally, it is highly recommended that instead of one's gender, the evaluative systems at universities should be on the basis of individual academic outcomes and students should be offered the chance to enjoy same educational opportunities as a whole.

akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Feb 6, 2018   #2
Hello Phuong, I will try giving you a few correction for improving your essay. Please, meet my notes and consider them for your enhancement.
First, be careful of picking words paraphrasing the statement give. There is a focus on teenagers and adults for students in tertiary education. Nevertheless, you place words "boys and girls". Both words describe the definition of children. It might seem a minor mistake, but maybe can become an attention of the examiner.

Then, you have presented the contrast statement. In the first paragraph especially the thesis statement, you showed that you strongly agree with the perspective,but you have not explained unlike your initial position in the body paragraph. Turning to your first body paragraph, you said that it more benefits if students are placed based on their growing ability.

Actually, your way to display your idea is a good explanation and it is served systematically. However, your review is out of your beginning point. That can obviously influence your score for coherence and cohesion. Following this, your conclusion showed different things.You are more likely to summarize comparison between benefits and disadvantages of clustering in the genders. Please, you pay attention the question because it includes the prompts which you are supposed to deal with. |

Hopefully, my suggestions are able to help you and improve the quality of yours.

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