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scholarship: saving poverty housing


pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Dec 29, 2009   #1
choose the community service activity that is most meaningful to you and describe how you and your community benefited from your involvement:

Rolled up in the corner of the sofa, I watched innocent lives vanish off the face of the Earth in the waves of Hurricane Katrina on August 26, 2005. Four years later, I finally took a dive to directly help families in New Orleans with an all-expense paid scholarship to build houses for underprivileged families. In Louisiana, I, with nine other students, were given a mission to build three houses with nothing but screws, nails, wood, cement, paint, and the like. We completed everything from grading and site preparation to truss construction and painting. We spent our break time at Habitat ReStore that sells new or used items from clothes and furniture to kitchen tiles and dishes, sorting incoming items and working as cashiers. My sweat paid off when I helped the three thankful families move into their new houses. Building houses had initially sounded impossible; I had never built anything before and had never even hammered a nail on a block of wood. Yet, my passion to end poverty housing in New Orleans allowed my amateur hands to build three houses. It was exhilarating to witness and to soak in this idea that passion can take me anywhere whether it is persuading my parents for permission to travel to New Orleans or building three houses out of scratch. Upon my return to home, I spoke at Habitat for Humanity meetings and service organizations, sharing my experience and the importance of ending poverty housing and responding to natural disasters.

pretty short and straight to the point. any grammatical errors or anything i should extend on?
tkkt1 11 / 47  
Dec 29, 2009   #2
No short and sweet is good. It directly answers the prompt and thats what readers are looking for. Good job.

Return the favor and read my essay please:
lapsi95 4 / 10  
Dec 29, 2009   #3
It was exhilarating to witness and to soak in this idea that passion can take me anywhere whether it is persuading my parents for permission to travel to New Orleans or building three houses out of scratch. Upon my return to home, I spoke at Habitat for Humanity meetings and service organizations, sharing my experience and the importance of ending poverty housing and responding to natural disasters.

I don't know if it is just me, but as I read this, I felt the first sentence in this quote was a good conclusion, and that the second sentence seemed a bit out of place. I think that the second sentence is a good piece of detail that you can include, but I would suggest either including some concluding sentence at the end of the essay that talked about sharing your passion or something to that extent, or flip-flopping the two quoted sentences and changing up the sentences about the power of your passion so that it flows nicely after the detail about sharing your experiences.

Could you help out by looking at mine
sbdaiquiri 8 / 21  
Dec 29, 2009   #4
I think this is a very stong and focused piece!

Here are some grammatical suggestions

In Louisiana, I, along with nine other students, was given a mission to build three houses with nothing but screws, nails, wood, cement, paint, and other rudimentary materials .

We spent our break time at Habitat ReStore a place that sells new and used items, from clothes and furniture to kitchen tiles and dishes, sorting incoming items and working as cashiers.

I think this sentence has a misplaced modifier. Try placing the subordinate clause at the beginning.

Nor had I ever hammered a nail on a block of wood

Yet, my passion to end poverty housing in New Orleans allowed my amateur hands to build three houses.
powerful sentence!

To sum it up, you had an rewarding personal experience that helped you reach a revelation and acquire pratical skills. Your hard work benefited displaced families, and you shared this valuable experience with your community.

I say it answers the prompt perfectly =D

can you please take a look at my Cornell supplement?
OP pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Dec 29, 2009   #5
akshay! you're SO right! how did i never see that?!?!? thank you!

yuanchi, thanks for pointing out my grammatical errors. thanks thanks (:
sbdaiquiri 8 / 21  
Dec 30, 2009   #6
yea no problem! Can help me with my Cornell supplement?
jamiexc 2 / 4  
Jan 5, 2010   #7
grammar looks good. wow, what an experience. The intro was captivating and i can see that you really brought the story full-circle.
smallick13 - / 26  
Jan 5, 2010   #8
i like it but cut it down a bit more use (; to combine some). also, u might want to show passion directly and not just saying it in words based on how u would talk to paper (talk to a human in the essay) but i like the idea. thanks for ur service. don't lie . tell how the others with u felt and all about the setting &* energy!


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