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Scholarships and the Financial Aid letter - Graduate Institute for Masters in Development Studies


Hargun003 4 / 26 6  
Oct 18, 2015   #1
Greetings,
This is the first layout of my scholarship letter which i would be sending for my masters. I would be happy i you would review it and give me some guidlines or inputs to improve it and maxximise my chance to get it! Thank you :)

Respected Ma'am/Sir,

With this letter, I hereby wish to apply for the scholarships and the financial aid provided by your esteemed Institute for the academic year of 2016-2017.

I am currently pursuing my Bachelors with Honors in Political Science from the University of Delhi, New Delhi, India. I have applied at the Graduate Institute for Masters in Development Studies because of several reasons one of them being the scholarship given by the Institute to dedicated and hardworking students especially coming from the developing countries.

I want scholarship because of several reasons, first of all I want it as my family doesn't have that many resources to sustain my two year masters in a foreign land , as my father is a Central Government Employee, my mother is a housewife and my elder sister is a cabin crew member. We live in a government accommodation. We don't have assets that we could take help of for financing my studies, Even though my family supports me and have always supported me with my dreams, but I genuinely feel that with such limited resources I won't be able to fulfill my dreams.

Ma'am/Sir, Being a son, I have huge responsibilities of my family and my future family, I have big dreams for them and for which I have always worked hard and will always do.I would be grateful to you if you could provide me the scholarship so that limited finances don't hinder my academic - professional growth and my dreams for myself and my family.

Secondly, I will be an International student who does not get financial aid as an employee. I can't work off campus because I would have the student visa. Without financial aid and work permit, it might be hard for my parents to afford it.

Thirdly, I think with all the hard-work and determination I put into my high school and college and all the volunteering and extra-curricular activities I was part of I deserve financial aid for my masters. Also, I am a hardworking student both academically and professionally, I think it is a high time that I should ease the burden of finances from my parents shoulder. I would really need the scholarship as with that I would get the opportunity to study at a world-class institute, and I know the kind of big dreams I have for myself and for my family will be fulfilled with the kind of education I will get from the Institute. Also, the scholarship would help me in paying for my books and study materials and even part of my tuition fees and accommodation fees.And moreover, I will feel relieved and happy about not dealing with loans and I would thus focus more on my studies than focusing on finances which is very important.

As far as alternative funding is concerned, My aim is to apply for Student loan from a nationalised bank and pay them the loan money after completion of my masters.

I believe that if someone has a passion for something they will excel in that field no matter what but , if you don`t get the chance or if you are not able to, you will lead a life of regret forever, and with that said, I don't want to be in that situation 5 years from now. I have decided that I want to be a part of this Institute and as I mentioned above I will work really hard to fulfill my dreams and goals and the aspirations of my family.

Ma'am/Sir, I am confident in joining the Graduate Institute and with the help of scholarship I am sure I will be able to study and focus on my thesis better. I assure you that I will work very hard and with full dedication and would make the Institute feel proud of my work.

Thanking you in advance in considering my application and giving the chance to show my motivation for the scholarship.

Thanking You,
Your Sincerely,
Best Regards,
Hargun Aiden

carolaphlaka 1 / 4 1  
Oct 18, 2015   #2
I thin its great except in the third paragraph say "I want THIS scholarship because of several reasons, ". Also, same paragraph, "We don't have assets that we could take help FROM for financing my studies. ALTHOUGH my family supports me and have always supported me with my dreams, I genuinely feel that with such limited resources I won't be able to fulfill my dreams. "

JUST FIX SOMETHING AND IT WOULD BE PERFECT, BEST OF LUCK!
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 18, 2015   #3
Hargun, this letter needs to be edited for some content that is either irrelevant or too presumptuous on your part as a scholarship applicant. Remember, you are trying to get a sponsorship for your studies abroad. So you need to walk a thin line between self-entitlement and pity. It is a very difficult border to decipher so I will try to help you do that. Before we edit anything else in this essay, I want to make sure that we have the final content ready for editing. Otherwise, we will constantly be editing your content. Here are my observations:

Par. 1:
Just merge this paragraph with paragraph 2. Erase the portion that says; " I have applied at the Graduate Institute for Masters in Development Studies because of several reasons one of them being the scholarship given by the Institute to dedicated and hardworking students especially coming from the developing countries.". That is irrelevant to your application. It does not really explain anything in relation to your desire to earn a scholarship. In fact, it is confusing because it offers no information whatsoever about the scholarship merits.

Par.2:
It is not nice of you to say you "want" a scholarship for several reasons. Instead, say you wish to "earn the privilege" of a scholarship for a number of reasons.

Your financial description of your family members should have stopped with your government employee father and housewife mother. Your flight attendant sister does not factor into this equation because she is not directly responsible for your school expenses.

Par. 3 &4:
Again, merging the two paragraphs will make for a more convincing argument regarding your family's inability to support your studies and your limited movement as a student in a foreign land that will prevent you from working in order to help support your studies.

Par. 5:
Contrary to what you may believe, you do not deserve a scholarship or financial aid for your masters. A scholarship is a privilege and not a right. So you should rephrase those first few sentences in this paragraph. It comes across as assuming, arrogant, privileged, and self-entitled. You do not want to make any declarations that may be perceived negatively by the reviewers. Just say you are hardworking, etc.

------

If you opt to apply these corrections to your work now, we will be able to create a final version of it for you to use soon after.
OP Hargun003 4 / 26 6  
Oct 18, 2015   #4
Thank you so very much for your advices @carolaphlaka and @vangiespen, I have started with my new letters and I would definitely
include what you said so again, thanks a lot!!
OP Hargun003 4 / 26 6  
Oct 23, 2015   #5
Vangiespen, I have worked on my Letter for Financial Aid, and followed your instructions. I would appreciate it , if you could give your comments! Thank you so much for your time and concern! :)

"You have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others." - Audrey Hepburn

I wish to earn the privilege of getting a scholarship as my family doesn't have that many resources to sustain my two year masters on a foreign land , as my father is a Central Government Employee and my mother is a housewife .We live in a government accommodation. We don't have assets that we could take help from, for financing my studies.Although my family supports me and have always supported me with my dreams, but I genuinely feel that with such limited resources I won't be able to fulfill my dreams. I have seen my parents taking the pain of loans to pay our school fees and how difficult it was for them to educate my sister and me. Also being an International Student I won't be able to work off campus for at least six months since I will be on a student Visa and thus without financial aid and work permit, it will be hard for my parents to afford my monthly expenses . This is why I believe that it is a high time that I should ease the burden of finances from my parents shoulder.

I would really wish for the scholarship, as with that I would get the opportunity to study at a world-class Institute, and I know the kind of big dreams I have for myself and the people I need to serve will be fulfilled with the kind of education I will get from the Institute. Also,the scholarship would help me in paying for my books and study materials and even part of my tuition fees and accommodation fees.And moreover, I will feel relieved and happy about not dealing with loans and I would thus focus more on my studies than focusing on finances which is very important.

I believe that if someone has a passion for something they will excel in that field no matter what but , if you don`t get the chance or if you are not able to, you will lead a life of regret forever, and with that said, I don't want to be in that situation five years from now. I have decided that I want to be a part of this Institute and I will work really hard and with full determination both academically and professionally for myself, for my education, and for those I have promised to serve.

I would be grateful to you if you could provide me the scholarship so that limited finances don't hinder my academic - professional growth and my dreams for myself ,my family and my society.

Ma'am/Sir, I am confident in joining the XXX and with the help of scholarship I am sure I will be able to study and focus on my thesis better. I really have an innate desire to work for women affected by the agrarian crisis and I assure you that I will work very hard and with full dedication and would make the Institute feel proud of my work in future.

Thanking you in advance in considering my application and giving the chance to show my motivation for the scholarship.

Thanking You
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 23, 2015   #6
Hargun, I am not exactly sure about the relevance of the quote from Audrey Hepburn at the start of the essay. You did not make any reference to the quote within your essay so I don't think it should be placed there. However, I think I can come up with a way to use the quote as a hook for your essay. Let me include that hook in the edits that I will be posting below:

-----------

As I sit at the dining table one more time with my parents, I cannot help but stare at my hands as we discuss yet again, the helpless situation that I am in academically. While my parents try their best to find a way to help finance my overseas masters studies, I have an epiphany. I realize that this task is not theirs alone to carry. It is my future on the line, my studies that need to be completed. Therefore, I should find a way to achieve those objectives. That was when I remembered and was inspired by the words of the great actress and humanitarian Audrey Hepburn who once said "You have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others." One of the helping hands that I need is a scholarship grant. A grant that will help me to help others in the future. It is my hope that your scholarship committee will find it within themselves to be that helping hand for my future.

Par. 1:
sustain my two year masters STUDIES on a foreign land OVERSEAS ,asm My father is a Central Government Employee We don't have assets that we could take help from,for financing TO FINANCE my studies .

Although my family supports me and have always supported me with my dreams, but I genuinely feel that
I have seen my parents taking the pain of loans to pay our school fees and how difficult it was for them to educate my sister and me. MY PARENTS HAVE DONE EVERYTHING THAT THEY FINANCIALLY CAN TO SUPPORT MY STUDIES ALONG WITH MY SISTERS, BUT THE FINANCIAL DEMANDS OF A MASTERS STUDY IS JUST BEYOND OUR MEAGER MEANS. Also b Being an International Student ,

Par. 2:
I would really wish for TO WIN the scholarship,
And m Moreover, I will feel relieved and happy about not HAVING TO dealing with loans and I would thus SO THAT I COULD focus more on my studies than focusing on finances which is very important .

Par. 3:
I believe that if someone has a passion for something they will excel in that field no matter what but , if you don`t get the chance or if you are not able to, you will lead a life of regret forever, . and with that said, I don't want to be in that situation five years from now. I have decided that I want to be a part of this Institute and I will work really hard and with full determination both academically and professionally for myself, for my education, and for those I have promised to serve.

I would be grateful to you if you could provide me the scholarship so that limited finances don't hinder my academic - professional growth and my dreams for myself ,my family and my society.

Ma'am/Sir, I am confident in joining the XXX and with the help of scholarship I am sure I will be able to study and focus on my thesis better. I really have an innate desire to work for women affected by the agrarian crisis and I assure you that I will work very hard and with full dedication and would make the Institute feel proud of my work in future.

Thanking you in advance in considering my application and giving the chance to show my motivation for the scholarship.

Thanking You
-----------

The reason that I canceled the last part of your essay talking about your confidence in joining the university is because it is just a repetition of information that is better pleaded in the earlier part of the essay. I want your essay to tug at the heartstrings of the reviewer and focus their attention on your application merits more than anything else.
OP Hargun003 4 / 26 6  
Oct 23, 2015   #7
Thank you @vangiespen! Really, you won't believe but I was in that situation, the same as you mentioned in the first paragraph. Thank you so much for your suggestions and inputs, I would definitely work more on it and would rectify from you very soon!!
OP Hargun003 4 / 26 6  
Oct 23, 2015   #8
One thing, It is my hope that your scholarship committee will find it within themselves to be that helping hand for my future. Don't you feel that this line would sound cheesy? Sorry about it, correct me if I am wrong... and I felt that maybe the last paragraph that you deleted would sound that I am connected to my objective of coming to the Institute. Thus, I wrote that.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 23, 2015   #9
Hargun, when you apply for a scholarship, just as with any other student grant, you are asked to submit additional documents that will provide the scholarship committee with enough information for them to consider as a whole in your application. Therefore, you will have submitted student documents, certificates, or some other papers that will prove your desire to complete your studies. So there is no need for you to assure them that you are dedicated to finishing your studies and helping to resolve the agrarian crisis in the future. The committee can already see that from the fact that you are applying for a scholarship. What you need to concentrate on, is convincing them that you deserve the scholarship more than the other applicant based upon your financial status, degree of studies, and reasons for wanting to acquire a scholarship.

While I will not stop you from using that final paragraph that you wrote in place of the sentence that you are questioning, I think I would rather see you write a totally different paragraph instead. One that reflects how you plan to promote the objectives and mission of the scholarship grant during your time as a masters student and then finally, as a graduate. How do you plan to repay the foundation in kind for their financial benevolence towards you? Why should they believe that you will give back to the scholarship after you graduate?

Here is the thing. I honestly feel that the last paragraph that you wrote sounds like you are groveling for the scholarship already. Don't do that. Always have a sense of self-respect. Don't beg so exaggeratedly in the essay. Keep a professional tone. What you wrote is frankly, overkill. You are trying to play the pity card too much in the essay. Just let the essay that you wrote speak for itself in an academically professional manner :-)
OP Hargun003 4 / 26 6  
Oct 23, 2015   #10
Okaaay thank you ^_^ you are right with what you said, thanks for clarifying my doubts.


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