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school was a pretty big challenge for me and my parents; Household information and Statement of need

nebtones 1 / 1  
Nov 17, 2014   #1
Hello please is an essay am writing for a scholarship. Please is this a good essay? If not help me correct. Question: Question: ESSAY: Household information and Statement of Need

Describe the challenges you have faced in your path to education until this point. Please include the following:
-Who has supported your academic achievements until now? (financially and/or other)
-Which challenges did you overcome during your secondary education?
-What challenges are you still facing in achieving your educational and career goals?
(minimum of 250 words, maximum of 750 words)


Going to school was a pretty big challenge for me and my parents. My parents couldn't fully afford the fee, and all the essentials things I needed to help me excel in school. Reading materials, learning aids (Mathematical Sets and text books) and my classmates who could afford it always laughed at me when the Teacher asked the class to show their books and I couldn't show mine and often received lashes on my buttocks from my class Teacher for my not providing my reading materials she asked us to buy. My parent struggled to pay my school fees and sometimes borrowed money to pay my fees and I never missed school for one day because I couldn't pay my school fees, My parents made sure of that. I always walked to school which is about 30 miles away from my house and that changed when my school moved to their permanent site and provided school bus and I had to wake up by 5:00 am in the morning to make sure I didn't miss it or else I would have to walk to school that day. There was a day the school bus broke down after taking us to school, no extra bus was available at the moment so I had to walk back home, I couldn't afford the town's community bus service because I had no money on me and I walked 50 miles to get to my house, I remembered how I cried so much that day that I could go the school until the third day because I had fever the next day. My Parents always supported and told me to study hard and be better than them so that when I grow up to be a man and have family of my own, I won't face the same hardship we are facing now. During my school secondary education I overcame a lot of challenges, to keep up and continue attending school, I had to engage in extra curricular activities, I attended extra moral lesson and sometimes after school, I used to go with my Dad to his farm to help him. I helped clear the land, weed the the crops, harvest them, make beds and ridges for the crops to be planted and so much more and at the same time wake up early to prepare myself, my younger ones for school and still keep my grades high. I knew for me to continuing waking up early, do my morning chores, prepare myself and siblings for school and continuing keeping good grades, I had to do my homework in-time, finish my home daily duties e.g washing the dishes, fetching water and sweeping the house, I had to get to bed early so that I can wake up early. Still remembered when I was in SSS 3 and my West African Senior School Certificate Examination (WASSCE) was drawing near and I realized that I need to study really hard. Added to that I was also preparing for my National Examination Council Examination (NECO). For my Secondary School, I decided to do selective study and allotted three days for each subject. While I had to be thorough for my Joint Entrance examination. The three weeks were like a nightmare for me because I hardly slept and would spend my night in studying. I would eat Yellow Nutsedge (Tiger Nut) to stay awake, in the early evening hours, I would go the cyber cafe close to my street to browse, chat with my online friends and also for a swim, such activities helped me to stay calm and patient. I completed my examinations. I was able to get through with Secondary School and also came out with flying colours. It was a learning experience for me because I realised that If I postponed my work, I will be in trouble. This experience also helped me to discover that I have the ability to handle pressure with patience & calmness and I can cope with stress if situation demands of me.

The challenges am still facing in achieving my educational and career goals are financial related, seeing me through Primary and Secondary School was a thug of war for My Parent because my parent were not comfortable and my their salary was not enough to pay for my school fees, my sibling school fess, provide for his family and his extended family. So paying for my University tuition fees will be impossible because of the present condition of my parent, even affording three (3) square meal a day in our house is a problem. While I am constantly trying to find work and searching for scholarships that will help me pay for my education, I remain grateful to find opportunities like this "The MasterCard Foundation Scholars Program at Arizona State University" is providing to students. It makes me feel that I am not alone on the journey of accomplishing my educational goals.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 17, 2014   #2
Leonard, the essay has provided enough information to learn about the struggles that you faced in completing your primary and secondary education. However, it feels overly dramatic and repetitive as you keep on mentioning how difficult it was for you to get to school. Rather than discussing your primary educational difficulties, go directly to your secondary school information instead. This will remove the redundancy related to the story about your transportation and financial problems in relation to your education. You just need to mention that your parents are your main financial supporters and that without the scholarship for college, you will be unable to complete your tertiary (college) education. Remove the stories about your primary education struggles and simply concentrate on your secondary education because high school is more closely related to the potential success or failure of your college ambitions. Can you try to revise the essay to make it shorter? Merge some sentences and paragraphs and remove the ones that just act as word count requirement fillers. That way the essay will be easier to read and hopefully, lessen the dramatics by simply stating the facts related to your quest to complete your education.
OP nebtones 1 / 1  
Nov 17, 2014   #3
OK. thank you very much.

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