Hi Guys!
Actually, this letter was sent and I got the result 'FAILED.'
But I want to know the reason because they don't tell me. I will surely apply for the next year so please help me improve my writing.
Thank you!
Personal Statement
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
I have been interested in South Korea for thirteen years. At the time, I coincidentally saw the alphabet on a Korean Television Program. I searched it online to satisfy my curiosity; as a result, I have been able to read Hangul and become self-taught since then. Besides, the country is my first overseas trip. Clean buildings, fantastic scenery, beautiful culture, and highly organized people could be seen there. In addition, those all made me fall deeply in love with this place and motivated me to be back here again.
University life was a turning point. It was my first time being apart from my family, who always supports and encourages me to choose my path, and living with new friends. It was tough at first, but I could adapt to the new surroundings in just a few days. I decided to study Communication Arts because I would like to learn how to turn stories or letters that exist in my head into a reality along with the way to design the best impactful message through each media to all genders and ages. And, my minor was Korean due to youth motivation. I got the best lessons after opening my mind to new worlds and gained many precious experiences. Learning through activities, working with new people or different methods, all gave big life lessons and skills. I have gotten a chance to be a leader, work as a volunteer, manage people, and do all kinds of organizational tasks. These matters have helped me finally found who I am and my true satisfaction. Happiness in giving makes me happier than receiving. Most of all, while I was working with one senior in the Children and Education Volunteer Project, who is currently a famous social consulting start-up co-founder, she inspired me to make a great impact on this world and devote myself to others. Subsequently, I could not do it successfully without Psychological knowledge and precise methods. I have become particularly interested in Psychology since that moment and spent leisure time learning Psychology myself as a hobby by reading books, taking online courses, and applying it in real life as much as I could.
After graduation, I have attended Disney International College Program to work abroad in the United States for almost three months. Though it was the first time living with foreigners, I could easily adapt to a new environment, live and work happily in a short while. I got a job as soon as I came back to Thailand. It was a chance to work with foreigners again, but more varied: British, African, Chinese, Indonesian, and more. That was a good team without any conflict because I got accustomed to working with foreign strangers. All those times help me improve some soft skills: open-mindedness, deep listening, and accepting different attitudes, along with supporting me to communicate with various people effectively. Meeting new people every day made me fascinated by diversity and individuality. I want to empathize with each person to learn new ways of thinking, while sharing my opinion and theirs, and reflecting to understand myself and what could be improved.
Nevertheless, there is not only a positive attitude. Many of my friends suffer from depression, this occurs to people of all ages and some of them attempted suicide. I would like to only understand the mental condition that might affect mental health at first, but now, I intend to solve this issue. Not only for my companions, but society will also be secured if I make it happen. It became a motivation to discover and resolve the root causes of mental conditions as deep as possible, by using media to support and make it more effective by educating citizens on how to prevent a situation or conversation that probably make others down, or how to deal with people who tend to get depressed properly. A person taking charge of one's own mind to live happily is the most important point. Even so, I have realized that only self-taught is not enough to accomplish this goal. Furthermore, being practiced and supervised by a Psychology professor would help me solve the mental problems sharply. It is the reason for my plan to study Social Psychology at Yonsei University. Also, diversity in the right college environment has many benefits for Psychology students such as getting a chance to know more people or unfamiliar cultures and adapting to them. South Korea is one of the most developed countries in the world and a global innovation leader. Moreover, the populations are super productive and become the main factor to develop a country sustainably. It is also a very famous Education Hub in Asia. Additionally, Yonsei University is a well-known Psychology school with many excellent professors, quality international and native students, and a variety of environments beside supporting student clubs and activities. The university also published a lot of interesting psychology research. The above information assures me that my decision would be able to turn the dream into reality.
It is an opportunity to solve social problems either in South Korea or Thailand in addition to reducing the number of people with mental illnesses and suicidal rates by communication to create the best channel, and psychological skill to design the best content. With these abilities, I would be able to make a better place. I believe the Global Korea Scholarship is the best program that would assist me in achieving my goal.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 I cannot tell you why your application was rejected. While I am highly ffamiliar with the application and assessment process, there maybe some unkown considerations that the admissions committee maybe considering. Those who are not admitted are never told the reason as the student is expected to show an overall improvement within his next application presentation. You cannot focus on a single area for improvement alone. It will all depend upon the next set of qualifying discussion presentations.
Reading this essay, it would appear that you failed, and this is just a guess since I do not have access to your file and will never have access to it, that the application failed because this essay did not balance the discussion based on the discussion topics. I would have to review the other required essays to get a better idea of how these collectively contributed to your application rejection.
Hey apiw, I have some suggestions for you. You have tried to cover every required topic in the essay, but I have found some mistakes that I did too last year. Firstly, the opening should be more dashing and unique. You have to use more relative points to your desired program and, most importantly, about yourself. You can mention your passion for the culture and language, but those are not enough. You have to show your abilities and strength in the essay, which are missing here. In addition, you have to share some memorable events which impacted your life and what you experienced/did encountering those memories. I mean, you have to prove yourself better.
Rather than the essay, KGSP has a unique process. The selection committee pays attention to 4 things: language proficiency, GPA, ECAs & finally, your application. So, you better pay attention to all these. You can do better. Good Luck!!!
In my opinion, the first paragraph of your essay could have been more unique.
"Clean buildings, fantastic scenery, ..." This seems to be just a vague description of any city center. Perhaps you could add more depth to it by adding an anecdote that leads into your essay describing an event or a particular scene that left a mark on your memory.
"It was tough at first, but I could ..." Unless adapting to new environments is an in-built superpower of yours, I'd suggest you try to describe how YOU made yourself feel comfortable to get the best out of your experience. In the end of the day, personal essay are all about YOU overcoming challenges.
