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Self Introduction Essay - Agent of Change on Urban and Regional Planning


isyelsnitch 1 / 5 1  
Feb 29, 2016   #1
Hello! My name is Isyana and I just joined this forum. I applying a scholarship program and one of its requirement is make a self introduction essay. well, this is my first time and since English is not my native language, I'm not so confident in my English. I'm not sure about the grammar, structure, the right vocabulary, etc. So, I really need some comments and/or feedback to make it better. Thank you so much in advance for your help :)

The essay must explain:
o Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea

I grown up in democratic family but still uphold the value of manners and etiquette. My late father always encourage me to be an active, honest, responsible person and never stop learning. I remember he always said that formal education is very important, so you need to seek knowledge as high as possible. He also told me, however, that learning is not only at school, but you may learn from other things around you. Therefore, my parents try to equipped me with what they called 'OBAT' (medicine) which stands for Olahraga (Sports), Budaya (Culture), Agama (Religion), and Teknologi (Technology). I actively participated in various extracurricular and course, like scouts, youth red cross, choir, Bendera Pusaka Flag Hoisting Troop (or called Paskibraka), student organization, swimming, taekwondo and language course, and other activities. Those activities gives me opportunity to go to some new places, meet new people, improve my soft-skill, and being independent. Here I start to enjoy travelling.

On 2006, I was accepted at one of the best campuses in Indonesia, XXX, majoring in Urban and Regional Planning. It is the first time I live apart from my parents. Here, I become more often exploring new place, either because of task-related things or just traveled with friends. The more I explore a new place, the more I getting to know more about my country, Indonesia. I got my first job on a consultant where I went for internship as a freelancer assistant planner. I have done some spatial/city planning documents, and some infrastructure and management project related. Later in 2012, I accepted as a staff on Ministry of XX which is now become Ministry of XXX in Directorate of XXX. As I work in this ministry, my awareness about infrastructure provision as a public service has been increased.

Passion in acquiring higher education through studying overseas start since I was a child and keep growing up influenced by people around me. Influenced by my former education and my job, I found myself profoundly interested in Urban and Regional Planning. Unfortunately, its comprehensiveness narrows my knowledge in each aspect of planning and development. I feel the need to deepen my urban and regional planning comprehension through higher education in specific program. I realized that Korea is the best choice to pursue my master's degree. Korea has some similarity with Indonesia which both of them have a same independence year and have and has a diversity of potential tourism. But now, Korea has advanced into developed country. Its rapid growth in almost all aspect, including education that stand on the top ranking as country with the best education system and tourism aspect that very well manage and developed that give big contribution to GDP.

Moreover, Korea provides comfortable environment with integrated access to public service that would be helping for me running my daily life as a newcomer international student. With its big cities, rural towns and villages, modern and historical architecture and diversity of culture, Korea is very exciting place to explore. Besides, I have a particular interest on Korea, both its culture, language, how Korea develop its cities and maintain its cultural heritage despite global modern development, and many other things. Thus, makes me decide that Korea is the best choice to pursue higher skill to specialize my knowledge and skill in desired aspect of Urban and Regional Planning.

Pursuing my Master's degree through KGSP as it offers more educational and cultural experience. KGSP requires its awardees to have a certain degree of Korean proficiency by study Korean language before starting the study program. It would be very beneficial for my daily life and future career opportunities for sure, especially on tourism and government field. Therefore, I apply KGSP in order to have opportunity pursuing my dream and career plan, so that I can apply my knowledge and experience for my hometown and my beloved country, Indonesia. I always try my best to share what I have and I always want to contribute for my country. I believe I could be one of the top agent of change and policy maker in my country after completing my study.

Ssakshijain 28 / 146 87  
Feb 29, 2016   #2
Hi Isyana, welcome to Essay Forum!!

It was a long essay but I still liked reading it. Here are some grammar mistakes and language mistakes from my side. English is not your native language, but you wrote it well !! One common mistake was in past tenses, when you are talking about past, make sure to use the tenses in past only. I have corrected them here, hope it helps :)

I grew up in a democratic ........ etiquettes . My ........ encouraged me to ......... and to never ............. always said," that Formal ............... .. He also told me, However, that learning ...........school, but you .......... you." Therefore, my parents tried to equip me with ..................extracurricular activities like scouts,........... language courses, and other activities . This gave me an opportunity to visit new places, .........soft-skill (What is soft skill?) , and made me an independentperson . Here I start to enjoy travelling .

In 2006, I ............ It was the first time I livedaway from my parents. I started exploring new places , either because of friends or school's projects. The more I explored a new place, the more I got to know more about ............ on a consultant basis where I .....................2012, I was accepted ..........whichhas now become............................

passion of acquiring ............... started since ......... keep growinggrew up influenced by people around me. I was Influenced by my former education and my job where I found .................. its vastness narrowed my knowledge .......... I felt the need to deepen my urban and regional planning comprehension through higher education. in specific program . I realized ............

Both Korea and Indonesia have same independence year yet Korea has advanced into a developed country now. Korea's tourism industry is well managed and developed, thus contribute greatly to GDP. ([i]How tourism and GDP is beneficial to you ?) The rapid growth in all fields including education ranks Korea among the countries with best education system. [/i]

Moreover, ........would be beneficial for newcomer international studentS. ................ ..in Korea, how Korea developed its cities and maintained its cultural ............development. Thus, I chose Korea as the best choice to pursue higher education to specialize in my field area and to learn skills in Urban and ..........

Pursuing ,......... will offer me more ........ KGSP ........ studying Korean ........This will allow me to learn a new language. It would.................. opportunities especially in tourism and government organizations. . I can apply my knowledge and experience to my hometown and my beloved country, Indonesia. (What kind of policy are you talking about in last line? Overall it was a good essay, but I think you can work more for your conclusion and make it as strong as your essay. Conclusion was kind of repetitive with one meaning in different lines. For now, I have edited it still for the grammar part. But I think you can remove the extra part from conclusion, and try to be specific in your goal after study. )
ichatea07 27 / 24 10  
Feb 29, 2016   #3
Hello, Isyana! As one of English learners like you do, I would like to help you here. We come from the same country and have almost similar desires to make a contribution. So, let's carry on!

In essence, the content of this essay has been almost perfectly developed. Your interests and motivations have been stated clearly. Nevertheless, in my point of view, you still need to specify the curiosity you have for going to attain master's degree. What you mentioned is too general. Trying to describe a bit in detail what the ordinary people have not known about Republic of Korea's issue and development in city planning might be able increase the assessor's interest in you as a candidate. :) After all, the other ideas are eye-catching, I guess.


I grownGREW up in A democratic family but stillWHICH STILL upholdS the value of manners and etiquette. My late father always encourageD me to be an active, honest, responsible person, and SUGGESTED ME TO never stop learning. I remember he always said that formal education is very important, so you need to seekDISCOVER knowledge as highMUCH as possible. He also told me, however, that learning is not onlyCAN BE DONE NOT MERELY at school, but you may learnLEARNING COULD BE OBTAINED from otherthings around you/ YOUR ENVIRONMENT . Therefore, my parents try to equipped me with what they called 'OBAT' (medicine) which stands for Olahraga (Sports), Budaya (Culture), Agama (Religion), and Teknologi (Technology). I actively participated in various extracurricular(adj. ) ACTIVITIES and courseS , like scouts, youth red cross, choir, Bendera Pusaka Flag Hoisting Troop (or called Paskibraka), student organization, swimming CLUB , taekwondo, andA language course, and other activitiesSO ON . Those activities givesGAVE me MANY opportunitIES to go to someEXPLORE new places, meet new people, improve my soft-skill SOFT SKILLS, and beCOME ing independent. FROM here, I startED to enjoy traveling. (TRAVELLING - BRITISH COMPONENTS, TRAVELING - AMERICAN'S) You use mostly US style, so maintaining consistency is the best. :)

OnIN 2006, I was accepted at one of the best campuses in Indonesia, XXX, majoring in Urban and Regional Planning. It isWAS the first time I liveD apart from my parents. HereSINCE THEN , I HAVE become more often exploring new place/ AREAS , either because of task-related things or just traveled with friends. The more I explore a new place, the more I getting to know more about my country, Indonesia. I got my first job onIN a consultant where I went for internship as a freelancer assistant planner. I have doneUNDERTOOK some spatial/city planning documents, and some infrastructure and management projectSrelated . Later in 2012, I WAS accepted as a staff onIN THE Ministry of XX which is now becomeS Ministry of XXX in Directorate of XXX. AsSINCE I work in this ministry, my awareness about infrastructure provision as a public service has been increased.

Passion in acquiring higher education through studying overseas HAD startED since I was a child, and IT/THIS keepS growing upDEVELOPING influenced by people around me. Influenced byDUE TO my former education and my job, I found myself profoundly interested in Urban and Regional Planning. Unfortunately, its comprehensivenessCOMPELLING MATERIALS/TOPICS narrows my knowledge in eachFOCUSES DOWN TO MORE SPECIALISED aspectS of planning and development. I feel the need to deepen my urban and regional planning comprehension through higher education in A specific program. I realized that Korea is the best choice to pursue my master's degree. Korea has some similaritIES with Indonesia, which both of them WHICH have a THE same independence year and have and has a diversityWIDE RANGE of potential tourism ATTRACTIONS . But nowIN FACT , Korea NOW has advanced intoGREATLY IN BEING A developed country. Its rapid growth in almost all aspectS, including education that standS on the top ranking as A country with the best education system and tourism aspect , that very well manage and developed that giveHAS CREATED Abig / SIGNIFICANT contribution to GDP.

Moreover, Korea provides comfortable environmentS with integrated access toIN public serviceS that would be helpingFUL for me running my daily life as a newcomer AN international student. With its big cities, rural towns and villages, modern and historical architectureS and diversity of culture, Korea is very exciting placeWORTH A DESTINATION to explore. Besides, I have particular interestS on IN Korea, both its culture, language, how KoreaAND THE WAY THE GOVERNMENTS develop its cities and maintain its cultural heritageS despiteAROUND global modern development, and many other things . Thus, IT makes me decide thatSELECT Korea is the best choiceAS THE PLACE to pursue higher skillQUALIFICATIONS to specialize my knowledge and skillS in desired aspectS of Urban and Regional Planning.

Pursuing my Master's degree through KGSP as it offers more educational and cultural experience. KGSP requires its awardees to have a certain degree of Korean proficiency by studyING Korean language before starting the study program. It would be very beneficial for my daily life and future career opportunities for sure, especially on tourism and governmentMUNICIPAL fieldS. Therefore, I apply KGSP in order to haveENLARGE opportunitIES IN pursuing my dream and career plan, so that I can applyIMPLEMENT my knowledge and experience for my hometown and my beloved country, Indonesia. I always tryDO my best to share what I have and I always want to contribute THEM ALLforTO my country. I believe I could be one of the top agentS of change and policy makerS in my country after completing my study.

That's all. Hopefully, this would help.
OP isyelsnitch 1 / 5 1  
Mar 1, 2016   #4
Hi Sakshi!
Thank you so much for your corrections & comments. Since I didn't study English after a long time, I feel some degradation in grammar, tenses, etc. Hehehe. I'll try to revise my essay as your corrections. I

Soft skills is skills about personal and interpersonal behaviors that develop and maximize human performance, like team building, decision making, initiative, etc, it's the opposite of technical skill which is said as hard skills.

Well, I try to get master's degree on tourism development, so that's why I write about traveling and tourism industry. As goal for study, actually there's another essay about statement of purpose (Goal of study & Study Plan Essay). And for conclusion, do you have any suggestion about what should I write about for convincing them?

Thanks again :)
OP isyelsnitch 1 / 5 1  
Mar 1, 2016   #5
Hello Annisa!
Yeah, let's hand in hand make our country better & better! :)

I agree with you, somehow I feel that some part of my essay too general but I find it hard to get an idea what should I write to make it detail. Do you have any suggestion and/or example about what should I write to make it stand out?

And thank you so much for your suggestion and correction. I'll try to revise them as your correction too :)
Ssakshijain 28 / 146 87  
Mar 1, 2016   #6
Replace it with interpersonal skills. You said Korea has great tourism industry but so how this will help you in the program? It contribute greatly to GDP but how does it matter to you? How your masters degree will be affected by it? I am not asking to write your goals, but mention how your interest in Korea's cultural heritage will help in program? You can visit Korea as a tourist, why chose program for that? Mention the name of your degree that you are pursuing. When the prompt said reasons and motivation behind the program, you need to mention that how program will benefit your career goal, that's where the motivation comes. In goal of study, you will mention your goals, but here you will mention your reasons for this program and this includes how you will get benefited by the program in future. Hope this helps :)
OP isyelsnitch 1 / 5 1  
Mar 2, 2016   #7
Hi Sakshi & Annisa, I have revised my essay as your correction and explanation. I hope my essay's getting better. I'm open for more comments from you. Can't thank you enough for your helps :)

Here it is my revised essay:


I grew up in democratic family which still upholds the value of manners and etiquettes. My late father always encouraged me to be an active, honest, responsible person and to never stop learning. I remember he always said that formal education is very important, so you need to discover knowledge as much as possible. However, learning can be done not merely at school, but learning could be obtained from your environtment. Therefore, my parents tried to equip me with what they called 'OBAT' (medicine) which stands for Olahraga (Sports), Budaya (Culture), Agama (Religion), and Teknologi (Technology). I actively participated in various extracurricular activities and courses, like scouts, youth red cross, choir, Bendera Pusaka Flag Hoisting Troop (or called Paskibraka), student organization, swimming club, taekwondo, language courses, and so on. Those gave me many opportunities to explore new places, meet new people, improve my interpersonal skill, and made me an independent person.

In 2006, I was accepted at one of the best campuses in Indonesia, Sepuluh Nopember Institute of Technology, majoring in Urban and Regional Planning. It was the first time I lived away from my parents. Since then, I have become more often exploring new place, either because of school projects or just traveled with friends. The more I explored a new place, the more I got to know about my country, Indonesia. I got my first job in a consultant basis where I went for internship as a freelancer assistant planner. I undertook some spatial/city planning documents, and some infrastructure and management projects. Later in 2012, I was accepted as a staff at Ministry of Housing which now becomes Ministry of Public Works and Housing in Directorate of Housing Finance. Since I work in this ministry, my awareness about infrastructure provision as a public service has increased.

Passion of acquiring higher education through studying overseas had started since I was a child and keeps grew up influenced by people around me. Due to my former education and my job, I found myself profoundly interested in Urban and Regional Planning. Unfortunately, its vastness narrowed my knowledge in each aspect of planning and development. I felt the need to deepen my comprehension through higher education in tourism development. I realized that Korea is the best choice to pursue my Master's degree. Korea has some similarities with Indonesia which have same independence year and have wide range of potential tourist attractions, yet Korea has advanced into developed country now. Korea's rapid growth in almost all aspects, including education that stands on the top ranking as a country with the best education system and tourism industry that well managed and developed, thus contribute greatly to GDP. While Indonesia have a lot of problems regarding its tourism industry despite its potential tourism attraction and rich cultures. Infrastructure construction and development is still not evenly distributed. Many people in the world only know Bali as tourism destination whereas there is more to Indonesia than just Bali.

Moreover, Korea provides comfortable environments with integrated access in public service that would be beneficial for newcomer international students. With its big cities, rural towns and villages, modern and historical architecture and diversity of culture, Korea is a worthy destination to explore. Besides, I have a particular interest in Korea, both its culture, language, and the way governments developed its cities and maintained its cultural heritages around global modern development. Thus, I choose Korea as the best choice to pursue higher education to specialize in my field area in desired aspect in Urban and Regional Planning, especially in tourism development. I believe they will broaden my knowledge and sharpen my ability to make a decision as someone who works for the government.

Pursuing my Master's degree in tourism development through KGSP will offer me more educational and cultural experience. KGSP requires its awardees to have a certain degree of Korean proficiency by studying Korean language before starting the study program. It would be very beneficial for my daily life and future career opportunities for sure, especially in tourism industry and government organization. Therefore, I apply KGSP in order to enlarge opportunities in pursuing my dream and career plan, so that I can implement my knowledge and experience to my hometown and my beloved country, Indonesia. I always do my best to share what I have and contribute them all to my country. I believe I could be one of the top agents of change and policy makers in urban and regional development in my country after completing my study.
ichatea07 27 / 24 10  
Mar 5, 2016   #8
... meet new people, improve my interpersonal skill, and made MAKE me an independent person.

Korea is a worthy WORTH A destination to explore.

I believe they IT/THIS/THESE will broaden my knowledge and sharpen my ability to ...

Besides, I have a particular interest in Korea, both its culture, language, and the way governments developed its cities "HERE, YOU CAN EXTEND FURTHER INFORMATION ABOUT THE METHODS THAT ARE USED IN KOREA IN ORDER TO SHOW YOU HAVE PARTICULAR KNOWLEDGE" and maintained its cultural heritages around global modern development.

You could also give simple explanation about some issues that have been solved by Korean governments, particularly those which are similar to Indonesia's problems. This way could visualise your concerns in city development of Korea which ordinary people haven't known.

It would be very beneficial for my daily life and future career opportunities for sure

YOU ARE WELCOME :)
OP isyelsnitch 1 / 5 1  
Mar 10, 2016   #9
Hi Annisa,
Thank you for your suggestion and correction. It helps a lot :)


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