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Selfie culture threatened environment


andiniseptama9 1 / 1  
May 16, 2016   #1
Social media connect people around the world without border. No more distances separate any districts. In other side, people love selfie, sharing their photos, and communicating with other friends. We can see what is in the other side of the world in real time because everything is easy to browse, news spread very fast in "seconds". This is also happen for sharing photos with any purposes because nowadays selfie has become part of culture, where ever people to go, they love to share it.

However, if it is uncontrolled, the environment might be shattered. These 2 pictures are just sample of case which can threatened environment. This is our responsibility to protect our environment from those kinds of illogic reasons. It is fine to commemorate any single of our activities and to share any good places to our friends. But things we have to remember and concern is keeping its to everlasting preservation.


  • selfie on garden

  • sellfie with the little shark
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
May 16, 2016   #2
Andini, Welcome to EssayForum :) This is the place where you can get constructive feedback towards any types of essay. I hope you can keep practicing by posting some essays or correcting other people's essays in this forum. This will be beneficial towards your writing skill enhancement. Now, for a breakdown of my corrections and feedback, you can check the descriptions below:

- Social media connect people around the world withoutwith limitless border. (I assume that this is a hook)
- No more distances separate any districts.(if you have a plan to narrow down the focus, world > country > city > district. If you directly jump to district, it will be considered as a jumping idea, or you can just delete this sentence)

- In other side, people love selfie, sharing their photos, and communicating with other friends.(jumping idea, the previous sentence talks about social media, while the next sentence talks about selfie, share photos, and communication, let me give you an alternative sentence)

This border-less connection triggers people to share their thoughts and experience through social media. For example, people have a great tendency to share their photos, particularly selfie pictures, and communicate with other friends.

- WePeople can see what is happeninginon the other side of the world in realno time because everything isdue to the easiness of browsing.easy to browse

- especially news, which spread very fast in "seconds"rapidly . (I have no idea what is the point by giving quotation mark here, I think it is better to omit it)

- This is also happen for sharing photos with any purposes because nowadays(sorry to say, but this is confusing, let me paraphrase it)
Moreover, sharing selfie photos has become a part of a culture these days. People love to share their photos wherever they go.
- These 2 pictures are just sample of caseindicate thatwhichselfie can pose athreatenedthreattowards the environment.
- This is ourall people's responsibility to protect ourtheir environment from those irresponsible and careless acts.kinds of illogic reasons .
- It is fine to commemorate any single of our activities and to share any good places to our friends.(let me give you an alternative sentence)

- There is nothing wrong in commemorating experience and share it in public, but people should take environment protection into their consideration in order to preserve the environment for the sake of sustainable surroundings in the future.

As you can see Andini, you still need a lot of works to be done in revising your essay. Do not hesitate to ask some questions in relation to my feedback. I hope to see the revision soon.

Cheers :)
andiniseptama - / 1  
May 16, 2016   #3
Thanks for your constuctive comment, I will work hard and learn more how to write.

Many thanks,
Andini
OP andiniseptama9 1 / 1  
May 16, 2016   #4
What do you think when you see those pictures?
There are 2 pictures ...
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
May 16, 2016   #5
Andini, I notice that the revision has already well-written. It also has been developed clearly by you. The essay has answered the question pretty well, by mentioning that careless act of selfie can pose a threat towards the environment, with a good elaboration. However, I am just wondering, why don't you write a conclusion paragraph in order to wrap up all the explanation given? I think it will be beneficial, since the length of words are still below 200.

Few grammatical issues that I still find:
- ...the easiness of browsing. Especiallybrowsing, especially news, which spread rapidly.
- These 2 pictures indicate that which selfie can pose a threaten threat towards the environment.

There you are Andini, it depends on you yourself, either create an additional conclusion paragraph, or just send the essay directly after the last revision.

Good Luck :)


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