Hi everyone please help me to check out my essay for the UGRAD Global scholarship program. Fyi, English is not my native language and this is my first time applying for an international scholarship.
Your advice and corrections are very valuable to me. Thank you to all of you!
The Global UGRAD Program is for young leaders committed to serving their home communities.
Why would you be a great participant in the Global UGRAD Program?
Aceh has been named the number one most impoverished region in Sumatra and the sixth poorest region in Indonesia, 2021. It is ironic and sad to see Aceh in the past as a capital area for Indonesia, such as the purchase of Dakota RI-001 Seulawah, the first aircraft and the forerunner of establishing the company. The first commercial airline, Indonesian Airways.
Research conducted by Prof. Lant Pritchett from Harvard University stated that Indonesia is 128 years behind in education. The study was carried out in the Jakarta area, known as the capital city centre and the most developed Indonesia area. How about other regions in Indonesia, like Aceh, located at the tip of Indonesia, experienced 29 years of conflict and a Tsunami in 2004?
"Why would I want to stop talking about the 'developing' world," is what Bill Gates said after reading Hans Rosling's book Factfullness. The book also opened my horizons about the world today because there are no more words like rich and poor. Hans Rosling describes the world in 4 levels, and Indonesia is at level 3. I firmly believe that one day Indonesia will reach level 4, including my region, Aceh.
Global UGRAD is the program I need to develop and learn about the education system by being directly involved in communities and schools in America. The one-semester experience offered is enough to equip and initiate social movements in teaching, inspiring, and sharing experiences that I will do on Breuh Island. One of the outermost and ignored islands in Aceh, even though I was not selected to be one of the Global UGRAD participants later.
Not only that, I was able to conduct cultural exchanges by performing the Saman Dance, which I learned while in Aceh cultural unit on campus. One of the traditional Aceh dances designated by UNESCO as an Intangible Cultural Heritage in 2011 and the Rapa'i Geleng Dance, which is still not well known until now, is a dance played by 12 men wearing drums (Rapa'i) and accompanied by lyrics.
I became chairman of the Community Empowerment House for a year. I was interacting directly with the community to practice my communication skills because I am an introvert. We held free online tutoring with 100 students from all over Indonesia who will be guided for university admission later during the pandemic. I feel delighted to help those who have a strong desire to continue their education but cannot afford the school fees for this.
In 2019, I won 2nd place in a competition held at the campus level regarding community empowerment around campus. My friends and I created a prototype application design that could increase the competitiveness of roadside grocery stores with minimarkets that have mushroomed in many places. From this, I learned many things that we can start something right just by observing our surroundings.
Being one of the three best Indonesian university students is a gift that I never imagined before. Metallurgical engineering is my major. I see the potential of these mineral resources to make Indonesia a superpower. Indonesia has the largest nickel laterite reserves globally, and this issue became a hot topic when Elon Musk wanted to set up a nickel processing plant in Indonesia. It is time for Indonesia to stand on its land.
UGRAD is a very suitable program and I have been looking for it all this time. I can learn the latest technology about my major in America, study English to build more international relations in the future, get to know people from all over the world with different cultures, and bring significant future changes.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,377 3372
The first 3 paragraphs do not speak of your ability to be a community leader and enforce changes in your community through civic projects and volunteer organization activities. The essay will be more targeted once you revise the current 4th paragraph to become your opening statement instead. With regards to the cultural dance reference, it is unclear how your leadership skills played a part in this exercise, you need to be more specific about how you led this activity and why it is an important part of cultural exchanges in your country based on UNESCO standards.
The competition does not portray you as the leader of the group. This would be acceptable if you and your group members were able to figure out how to actually have the mini markets and small grocery stores use your application. What you learned, still needs to be geared more towards the enhancement of your current leadership skill.s The last 2 paragraphs deviate from the discussion topic. Remove those references. Create a closing statement that is better suited towards your portrayal as a leader and active community participant instead since that is what the prompt is requiring you to develop a discussion about.