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Got several awards at school - Personal Statement (KGSP Undergraduate application)

Rarapta 1 / -  
Oct 15, 2020   #1
Hai! I am Rara
I would very much appreciate it if anyone would take the time to read and criticize my essay. what is necessary to add or should be deleted? and what can be done better?
What if there was a mistake in grammar?

This is what they asked for;
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Personal background in family and education
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you

- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.


My future goal is to develop myself to become an information technologist. I want to contribute actively to addressing issues about technology and education in Indonesia. so far in Indonesian education, still not capable of creating superior human resources in the field of technology. I want to participate in this problem so that human resources need in the IT field can be met and prevent the massiveness of foreign workers. I believe that GKS will be once in a lifetime opportunity for me to learn deeply about my field of study as well as to reach my future goals.

Why did I choose Korea? I am amazed by how they can become developed countries in various fields, especially the field of technology. Students there, also work hard to get good grades and compete fiercely with their classmates. Competitions among friends have become an inevitable culture. This is what drives me to be the top student who can compete with other state students. I am also interested in their culture and language such as the "ppali ppali" culture, where I must always be fast and nimble which makes me interested in learning life there directly.

My parents always gave me the freedom to do things I was interested in. It's very helpful for me to develop my talented interest. As my gratitude to my parents who have allowed me to develop talent, I am always striving to achieve a good record in my academic career. When I was in elementary school, I was always on top rank in my class, keeping my ranking consistent at the top five in my class when I was at junior high school and senior high school.

I had a much significant experience that gave a big influence on me. First, I must decide for myself to continue my study far away from my home. I decided to become a foster child in the Sukma Jaya orphanage. It was this foundation that financed my school so that I can continue my education. My life in the orphanage was not as easy as I thought. I had to stay away from family, live in one house with many people of different characters, strict rules, and often demean others. These are the things that make my character better. I became independent, I could better understand everyone's character and I could better position myself in all situations. I also became more disciplined and not easily affected by other people such as blasphemy.

The second is when my father died because of sickness, I felt so bad at that time, from that experience I learned to appreciate the time, and more caring all people around me. The third is when my teacher appointed me to take part in the news reading in English competition, then I was a winner, that moment made me love speaking and I would be braver in public speaking. And the last is when I get fail in some competition I face, I learn that I can gain a lot of knowledge when I fail, then I can get up and do the best for next time.

I am a hardworking-dedicated student, who focuses on my studies, yet I have always been enjoying being involved in extracurricular activities while in high school. I was active at a student organization and scout. In my first year was appointed to be a general secretary of a student organization called IPM. Next year, I was the leader of the field at IPM. In scouting, I became an active member. Because I was active at IPM and scout, I have developed strong leadership skills and have learned to interact with a wide variety of people while working several different jobs.

I got several awards at school. I got the bronze medal in the news reading competition in English. At first, I was not interested in public speaking, after joining this competition I increasingly want to improve my public speaking skills. I like to discuss some things that have been going on, I get an award for my participation in panel discussions about stunting diseases. And I get a lot of awards for the organization from school from my high dedication.

In conclusion, I would like to thank you for your time and consideration. I'd like to say that I'm looking forward to the personal and academic challenges that are studying for a computer science degree at your university.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,845 4177  
Oct 15, 2020   #2
In the motivation portion, tie in the advances Korea has had in IT that you admire the most. Find an IT company that you are familiar with and explain how you look forward to getting an internship program there as a student. Describe how such an internship will help you further develop certain skills as an IT graduate. Focus on a specific accomplishment you want to have a student, based on the IT field in Korea.

Your discussion about your parents is incomplete. You should feature their professional backgrounds and the family life they have provided for you. It would be nice if you could discuss one or both parents as having inspired and supported your dreams of becoming an IT professional and studying abroad. Their influence and your respect for your parents will play an integral part in your response.

Your experience in the orphanage should be better developed. Figure out how you can use the information to highlight your skills as a potential student in a foreign country. Depict the skills you developed during this time that would prove your ability to live away from home, be resilient, and capable of handling stress under pressure, without cracking and requiring your parents help. Yes, discuss character building, but in a way that shows you are more than ready to become a foreign student in Korea.

The second and third time are not as impactful in the presentation as the time in the orphanage so you can skip that presentation paragraph. Delete it.

Never close this essay with "In conclusion", rather close it with a hopeful note. Thank the reviewer in an original way, Show your excitement at the potential of being considered for the scholarship. Close on a note that clearly indicates you are razor focused on completing your studies in Korea.

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