This is an essay that I will use for a scholarship and a college I am applying to, please dont be afraid to be harsh , as I want to make my essay the best . Any help is appreciated.
Thanks in advance
PROMPT: Show significant financial need and a history of overcoming adversity.
Facing certain circumstances and deciding whether to let them determine who I am or overcoming them has been a life long journey. At a young age, one mustn't understand the sacrifices that our parents make for us, but at the early age of six, I was forced to understand that our life was in danger. The life I knew could be altered at any given moment and maybe at one point in time I could lose those I love, we were being persecuted in our country.
One night my mother put me aside, looked me in the eye and told me to pick out my favorite doll. My decision wasn't a hard one, laying on my bed was my Mulan doll, I quickly grabbed her and carried her out the door. My grandmother and aunt were in the living room, trying to hide their tears as I walked into the living room. Little did I know that night would be the last time I would ever see my family.
On March 20th, 2000 we arrived at safety, the Land of Opportunity. My parents believed that it was over, the stress, the sleepless nights, we would finally be at peace, there would finally be a chance to resume life as we knew it. How could we have foreseen the difficult road lying ahead? For the next several months my parents went from job to job. Being illegal immigrants, most of the jobs were mediocre, below minimum wage with no benefits, everyday became a struggle. Rarely did I ever see my mother and father.
In August, I entered the first grade and was assigned to a Caucasian teacher, whom spoke solely English. I remember simply looking at her, confused. The students made fun of my eyes, which have Duane's Syndrome. Often I was taunted at school called "crazy eye" and "freak". I was different and special, but no one saw understood that. The first week of school was brutal; I wanted to go home, not the one bedroom apartment with the moldy walls, but home where I had all of my family home where I was understood.
As time passed my parents found steady jobs and became stable. We had no money for medical coverage, often I was sick and once I had Meningitis. In 2008, when the economy was at the edge of recession, we had lost it all. Not able to pay rent, we were evicted. It took days of living after in the apartment halls that my mother's friend allowed us to stay at her home, a two bedroom apartment in a drug-dominant neighborhood. There were 10 of us who lived in the tiny apartment. My family rarely had food, the fridge was divided and our side was stripped naked. It was during this tough time in my life that I entered high school. I applied and entered to a top vocational high school, where I chose the Firefighting/EMT academy. As my freshman year began, it was clear that my parents alone could not support my family of five. I worked any place they would hire me, cleaning homes to flipping burgers. I did not limit myself, limiting myself only meant that I would never overcome the obstacles facing me. With the combined effort of my parents and myself, we were able to move out of the crowded apartment into a single bedroom apartment. It was small, indeed, but it was home.
As I began my sophomore year, I enrolled in the Hialeah Fire Explorers. Although the majority of the population was Hispanic, I was the minority, the only girl in the program. I had to work harder than any other man in the program to prove that I was just not just a "girl". I learned to run faster and lift 3 times my weight. I learned medical care and went along in rides, soon enough I was running the program. Eventually I focused on finding a cure to my Duane Syndrome which was holding me from doing normal teenage things, such as driving. I was still made fun of and ridiculed by the student body. My parents were supportive and did everything in their power to obtain Medicare to cover my surgery. At the end of my junior year, after juggling work, a recent eye operation, vigorous academic and vocational courses and being involved in the community I became a nationally certified First Responder. Just when my life was stabilized it became full of calamity, we were faced with foreclosure and were forced to move once more, worst of all, the Firefighting/EMT program in my school had been shut-down. For a moment, my world was collapsing. I transferred to my home school American Sr. High. The pain of being uprooted from MLEC was tremendous, but I refused to give up. At AHS, I became the Health Occupation Students of America vice-president and regional parliamentarian. In Response to the imminent rise of Diabetes I am coordinating a screening at AHS to spread awareness in our student body.
Every obstacle that has been placed in my way has helped me realize who I really am. They have empowered me with inner and outer strength as well as taught me to adapt quickly to new situations. Success has been made of every obstacle I encountered. My parents never aspired for me to go to college and when I made it clear to my parents I was to go to college, they shed tears as they told me they could not afford to send me to college, yet I welcome this obstacle. I welcome every obstacle with knowledge that with perseverance and hard work I will overcome them.
My decision wasn't a hard one, laying on my bed was my Mulan doll, I quickly grabbed her and carried her out the door ==>Fragment sentence
resume life as we knew it ==>Awkward sentence
I worked any place they would hire me, from cleaning homes to flipping burgers.
I did not limit myself, limiting myself only meant that I would never overcome the obstacles facing me. ==>Another fragment. Also, limit yourself from what? Write clearer and use a transition to connect these sentence.
Hi Isabela, I really like your essay as it really shows how you have overcome many obstacles and deserve the scholarship.
Some suggests I would have is to double check your grammar, especially sentences as I found many are fragment (not listed all above). In addition to that, I think you can have a stronger ending. As my experience, I realize that the conclusion is very important, especially in scholarship essay, because that is the last thing your admission will read and impress. I haven't had time to look at it thoroughly but these are some suggestions,
Good luck!
