Dear Financial Aid Officer,
I would like to start off this appeal letter by presenting my sincere gratitude for awarding me the Legacy Scholarship for the 2015/2016 school year. I would also like to thank the appeal committee for taking the time to read my appeal letter to understand my situation. I never intended to get myself in this situation where I have to write an appeal letter to my school to let me keep my scholarship, especially considering the kind of high-achieving student I was in middle school. I know my reasoning may not occur to you as valid or appropriate, but I do hope that you keep an open mind while reading my appeal.
Ever since the start of my freshman year in high school, I always had a knack to immerse myself in activities that directly, but negatively, affected my studies. It could be social life, sports, or anything that a typical teenager experiences in high school. But it is clear that the difference between a successful student and a not so successful student is that successful students do not let the distraction come in between their priority. I went to a high school in India after moving there with my family and I attended an American curriculum based school. Ever since the move, I always had some sort of distraction that held me back from achieving good grades. I was never presented with so much privilege with all the electronics and the luxurious lifestyle and what not, considering the fact that we moved from our home country Ethiopia where we never really had all the luxury. All of that was new to me and I never managed to get a full handle on what mattered most, which was school. And due to that, I achieved some pretty bad grades all throughout my high school years. But I was never faced with a real consequence that really moved me. Of course, I disappointed my parents and I wasted my 4 years in high school. But even with that, I always felt like I could go back to being the hard-working and intelligent student that I used to be in the years before my high school days. I always counted on a new beginning in college to revive myself and bring myself to the high standards I maintained before high school. And I applied to Howard University with the hopes of achieving academic success while surrounded by such humble and hard-working Bison. I had a mindset that was ready to make a change that will make me a better student and more importantly, a better person.
Coming into my freshman year, I anticipated that a new environment would be my renaissance. But I was wrong to think that everything would fall into place by itself. The new environment and society brought its own challenges. Now that I had the freedom of being in a college dorm, I felt like there was no one to stop me from having fun and making my own decisions. Therefore with just a little time spent at Howard University, I started falling into the lapse that luxury life has made me with. I slowly noticed that my grades were falling below my standards and once again I was hit with the realization that I'm failing not only my parents, but also myself. With this realization came my biggest obstacle that held me back from reviving my grades; loss of self-motivation. I started losing hope that I will ever be able to get back up. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I have what it takes to get back to my old ways, I always lose that mentality and slip up again. And the more that happened, the less I became motivated to try. And by the end of the school year, here I am with no money to pay for college because of the loss of my scholarship.
Now I know that I have no one but myself to blame for losing such a big opportunity. And I know that my words cannot be enough for you to believe that I am going to work harder to maintain a high enough GPA the next semester. But what I have to offer now is a simple fact. And that fact is that without my education, I am not going to fulfill my ambitions of becoming a mechanical engineer. And the mentality that made me less motivated to achieve high grades does not matter to me anymore because I have already disappointed everyone that believed in me, including me. Therefore, I do not believe that I have anything to lose at this point. I have to work for myself and to shape up my future. And for that, I need all the help I can get from the committee to help me pay for college. If my scholarship is reinstated, I intend to work to the standards that I have set early on in my school career. There is no one here now that can help me with financing seeing as to how paying the full cost of attending Howard University is too much for my family. We have made a decision to cut our personal expenses in order to save money for my tuition in the case of the scholarship being cancelled. But I don't want my family leave their good lifestyle because of my inconsiderate choices. Therefore, if I'm presented with that opportunity again I vow to not only bring their happiness back but to also do good for myself by becoming the hard-working student that I want to be.
Sincerely,
Hi Binyam, I would like to say welcome to EssayForum :) I hope you find that my feedback will be valuable towards your Appeal Letter above. Thus, I would like to point out your main weaknesses in this essay with the solution about how to strengthen those flaws. The detailed feedback will be delivered in the descriptions below:
- I assume that this essay was too long for an appeal letter. If I'm not mistaken, some of members in this forum have already made the same type of letter and it was around 300 - 500 words. Because I think, the appeal committee only has limited time to check your essay. If your essay stays 937 letters like this, there is a possibility that your essay will not be read completely by the appeal committee. Therefore, making it longer would not bring any goodness towards the essay itself. You are suggested to summarize the information that you're going to deliver.
- I believe that this is a formal essay. In formal essay / letter, you need to AVOID using FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) in the beginning of the sentence. This makes your letter becomes less formal. It is advisable to use some cohesive devices such as "However" to replace "But", "In addition" to replace "And", "Thus" to replace "So" and many more.
- I have another tips for a formal letter or essay. You have to avoid using contraction(s) like what you've done in your essay, such as "I don't, if I'm" and other contractions. This is somehow considered as impolite expression and it should only be in informal situation or spoken. Keep using this will also make your essay becomes less formal.
That's it Binyam, I hope you can follow through my feedback above. Good luck in revising this letter :)
Hi Binyam, first of all, as this may be a draft, try to treat like a final essay or letter that is ready for submission, this way you will create that habit of writing a well written essay without even trying. Now, the letter should have paragraphs, in your revision, focus on the purpose of going back to school because you want to continue and pursue your education and not on the financial side that your family will gan once you get your financial aid or scholarship back.
One thing that I also notice in your letter is that, you tried to talk too much on the unnecessary information of your background, don't get me wrong, your family and financial background matters in this application as this shows the cause of why you got kicked off of the scholarship grantees, however, the letters focus is your academic agenda.
Furthermore, in your revision, mind the purpose or the goal of writing this letter, the goal is for you to get back on track and make sure that you can continue your education regardless of your financial status as well as family background may be.
I hope to review your revision soon.
