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Skillset in a million over a perfect student


vepadilla 1 / 4  
Oct 24, 2014   #1
1. Describe why you are the best candidate for this scholarship. You may include your academic achievements, financial need, extra-curricular activities,and community service or volunteer work. (500 maximumword limit)

2013. It is the year that I began studying at a post secondary institution and waged a scholarly war. I am currently a scholastic soldier having to trudge through the academic battlefield that is college. In order to win this war, a fellow soldier like me needs supplies and aid. They are essential to triumph in my journey. Why should I be helped on the frontline you wonder? I posses accolades and skills that are unique. My arsenal of achievements and skills can be difficult to find.

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vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 25, 2014   #2
Victor, an effective scholarship essay cannot be found in one that creatively uses words, but ends up telling an empty story. Sadly, that is the kind of essay that you produced. Remember, you are going to be up against thousands of other applicants who have actual accomplishments and achievements to mention in their own essays. That is why you need to present credentials along the lines of academic or extra curricular achievements, or both is possible. These are the sorts of talents and skills that scholarships are looking for. If you won any awards in school, mention it. Any extra curricular achievements? Relate it to the story of your academic thrust. Make sure to relate the mission objectives of the scholarship with your own. Let them know that you are more than willing to become the physical representation of their scholarship program by promoting their cause once you are assigned a scholarship. Let them know about your future plans and how their scholarship will be most important in achieving your dreams and ambitions. Don't forget to mention about how you plan to give back to the community that the scholarship helps in some way. Those are some topics and discussion suggestions I can give you which can help make your essay more interesting and align it with the prompt in a major way.
OP vepadilla 1 / 4  
Oct 26, 2014   #3
I see. Yes I shall redo it right away, I appreciate the suggestion and still have time to redo and repost. Thank you
OP vepadilla 1 / 4  
Nov 1, 2014   #4
My redo of the essay. Hopefully it is better and actually pertains to what scholarship committees want.

Growing up in my city, most kids played sports outside, swam, or did what most juveniles were expected to do. I happened to stay inside most of the time and read books and magazines about science and technology. I did not understand all of it, but it was definitely enthralling to me. In high school is where my interest in engineering became prominent. Instead of watching T.V. or "being" a typical teenager, I indulged in reading articles and many books, mainly about scientists, engineers, and their accomplishments and theories. I was labeled as an oddball and nerd, but my passion protruded and it is why I venture to become what I have aspired to be for so long; an Engineer. Now that I am in college, I am one step closer to accomplishing my goal. I have maintained a steady GPA and have received exceptional grades in my classes, while juggling my involvement in clubs, and social life. One club that I have associated myself with and stayed with is the Society of Hispanic Professional Engineers. Through them I have volunteered for numerous events including: MESA day, Science day, our yearly pumpkin toss event on campus, and an event called LA Familia; where we teach adults and people how to use basic programs on the computer. We as a club also do intramurals and participate in yearly competitions between fellow engineering clubs. Where we have won titles several years. I am also involved in my church and affiliate with the people there. I attend a youth group every week and social events hosted by the church. Through them I have volunteered at the local food bank and made food boxes to distribute amongst needy families. My involvement in school is not only limited to clubs, for example I have done an Ethnography research on someone with cerebral palsy and their relation to their devices every day; a body-machine relationship. I also researched upon how scholarships affect students' lives, and what they think about the distribution of scholarships. My plan is to graduate from the University of Arizona with an Engineering degree in Honors and make as many memories and opportunities as possible. The only way to be able to initiate my plan is to receive aid from external resources. My college expenses are about 30% of my parents' income and they already have their own expenses including raising my siblings. I do not make enough money to be able to pay for my costs, and I do not possess the time to work a full-time job. If I had an external investment in my studies, I would use that investment primarily to buy books and supplies that I shall require for my classes. It is the only way I will ever be able to accomplish my lifelong dream. I appreciate for you to have taken the time to read this, and for giving me an opportunity to be considered for your award with my submission.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 2, 2014   #5
Victor, I have some points for you to consider for addition or revision within the essay listed below :-)

I also researched upon how scholarships affect students' lives, and what they think about the distribution of scholarships.

- Victor, what is the relevance of this sentence to your scholarship paper? How did this research affect the study you mentioned earlier about the body-machine relationship?

the Society of Hispanic Professional Engineers. Through them I have volunteered for numerous events including: MESA day, Science day, our yearly pumpkin toss event on campus, and an event called LA Familia; where we teach adults and people how to use basic programs on the computer.

- You should discuss more about your participation in this club because it is relevant to the college degree you are taking. Maybe there is some way you can relate your experience with the group with the need for your scholarship as well?

The only way to be able to initiate my plan is [...] to be considered for your award with my submission.

- Why can't you make money on your own to cover your expenses? Tell them your story. What is your job? Do you work 2 or 3 jobs to stay in college? Explain why you can't make enough to help cover the remaining 70 % of your expenses. More importantly, how do you plan to give back to the scholarship foundation or the community hosting your scholarship while you are a student and after, should you be granted a scholarship that is. How do you plan to pay it forward and make a difference that the scholarship foundation can eventually be proud of?


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