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can someone review this it would be most appreciated! Topic - B


bdl6255 2 / 2  
Nov 22, 2012   #1
To speak without disconcert on this topic would be ludicrous just the thought of poverty to me is sickening to the stomach. Families who are victims of this or anyone in general, my regards are with them if there was a way to get rid of impoverishment, then definitely I would get rid of it. imagining how one feels not having warm clean clothes to put on ones back, having to go a day to sometimes days without eating, having to sleep outside in a box or something of that sort is rather displeasing. So my thoughts on this are the world should take notice in people that are being deprived, of critical things that increases ones happiness. Not to say that one can be happy living without money, food, and the luxuries of life. But what are the chances of this. It is a proven fact that those with money let's say the rich, middle class ''collaborate'' more with their families. Knowingly poverty anywhere will always exist; we need to try our absolute best as a race to reduce this condition, Of which a large number of the people for centuries on have been suffering from.
egarza102 1 / 1  
Nov 26, 2012   #2
Is there a certain amount of words required? If there isn't you should expand your idea. Also, work on a stronger thesis statement. There were points were I was confused with what you were trying to convey. I also suggest to research your topic more thoroughly, so you will be able to show examples. This will show them how interested you are on the topic.

To speak without disconcert on this topic would be ludicrous just the thought of poverty to me is sickening to the stomach . This thesis statement does not convey your message clearly.

Families who are victims of this or anyone in general, my regards are with them if there was a way to get rid of impoverishment, then definitely I would get rid of it. I suggest rephrasing and moving this sentence to the end.

Imagine not having warm clean clothes to put on your back, having to go days without eating, having to sleep outside in a box because it means you will get a few hours of sleep . My suggestion of how this sentence should be written.

The rest of the paragraph seems rushed. I would suggest more details and to rephrase you sentences. If there is a word limit replace unnecessary sentences with ones that are filled with research.


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