This is only a scholarship essay. The graduate program application is another one. I wonder whether it is persuadable sounds to you. Grammatical corrections and good suggestions are always welcomed!
Dear Sir or Madam:
'For Knowledge Itself Is Power'. This is one of my favorite precepts and at this point in my life when I am about to complete my graduation. My future spreads in front of me like a dream; this adage has never influenced my life more than this before. Indeed, having entered this splendid computer world, I am more than greedy for something new.
From my learning process, I have developed a firm belief in consistent hard work all along my undergraduate study. I have tried my best to be the top student in every class I attend. I have gained distinctive academic results and received consecutive scholarships for all four years, including a National Scholarship. During my undergraduate study, I acquired various programming languages, intensive theories and technologies like C++, Java, J2EE, .Net, Perl, Python, Ruby, SQL, Linux, Design Patterns and Computer Networks. As a research assistant and a leader of Embedded System Group in CS department, I have gained a lot of project experience. The projects I conducted include GIS, asynchronous communication software, and data mining. Now I am developing a Video Vertical Search-Engine funded by [ ], a well known company in [ ]. In retrospect, my work load is always heavy but it is worth my time of effort. Presently, I have both adequate theoretical understanding and rich programming experience.
The hands-on experience in so many different areas has endowed me with strong sensitivity to changes and progress in computer science, particularly to problems that arise out of routine work. As undergraduate students seldom get to be involved in actual research, I took full advantage of the opportunity of working in the lab. I particularly enjoyed the seminars held twice a week as part of the lab work. At these seminars, I engaged in in-depth discussions with master's students and professors. I am known among the group for my ability to ask the right questions at the right moment, especially when dealing with DB, algorithm design and the Internet.
Through my lab experience and other research, I have developed a long-term professional objective: the advancement of the grid computing. While I have strong faith in this technology, I also know its limitations as it is today. Programming parallel computers is now still a manual work and the fault tolerance in large scale distributed systems.
To help take the grid computing and the concurrent programming beyond what is capable of today, I have to undertake more advanced studies. This, I believe, can only be accomplished in a quality graduate program like yours. With the training that goes into such an advanced degree, I think I will be able to take great strides towards fulfilling my professional objective. Determination, dedication and confidence, these are the qualities that I developed over the years on the running track. These are also the same qualities that I will bring to more challenging work ahead of me as I seek to pursue my further studies in the Science Faculty of [ ]. Receiving this scholarship will be the defining moment in my education that will change my whole life and a powerful push towards my dream. (Better expression?)
Yours sincerely,
Leonardo
There is nothing worth information that we can clearly know you, albeit you have listed numerous unrelated stuffs, such as GPA, leadership, China.
Your ways of thinking seemed very poor, for the graduate school really want is what you can do, but not what you have got.
Lastly, we have read billion essays look like be written by the same one, especially those from China. We do not know whether all Chinese students are taught by the same teacher during learning English.
The essay seems to be lacking a personality. If you could include one story instead of the entire scope of what you have done, as the admission officers can already tell from your app, it would strengthen this essay much more.
