Please I need your help to evaluate my essay and to check is it relevant to the Chevening parameter or not, please comment, correct and rephrase if needed. Thanks.
Networking Essay - Chevening Scholarship Question
Chevening is looking for individuals with strong networking skills, who will engage with the Chevening community and influence and lead others in their chosen profession. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your networking skills, and outline how you hope to use these skills in the future.
According to several international organizations such as the WESP (World Economic Situations), IMF (International Monetary Fund) and the World Bank, Egypt is a developing economy with a gross national income per capita in the "Lower to Middle Income".
What that essentially means is that there is a lot of people in Egypt who need help. As a woman that was born in Egypt, grew up in Egypt, educated in Egypt, worked in Egypt, I cannot be indifferent to the suffering of so many in my country.
To that affect, I have joined a charity that essentially organizes food packaging, distribution to the most impoverished in the country who, more often than not, are in remote areas very difficult to access and basically rely on the very resilient work from those charities for their basic necessities (Food, water and shelter).
And this is where I had to use my network in order to help the distributions process, I instinctively got in touch with co-workers, friends and family members, to help out and reach out as many people as possible. Needless to say, that seeing the expression of gratitude and smiles on their faces is a memory I will cherish for much of my life.
Professional life has also another example. When I was newly hired I was in Agency Services department and as per the branch I am working in was recently opened, so I was charged by other functions related not only to my department, but also to many different departments so that gave me the opportunity to build a very strong network with almost all the company's departments.
When the branch recorded a remarkable progress, I have requested the higher management to hire new employees to whom I became the first support tool as I was directing them to the responsible and concerned person in every issue they face according to my network, experience and knowledge.
That was honor and pleasure to lead and support others in their personal and professional life. I am willing and committed that I will never save an effort to enrich my networking, experience and knowledge and transfer them to improve my community where I live and to help thousands of people.
you are completely going in wrong way by this essay
this is not the one that chevening needs
half of your essay is just general things that is available on internet.
and in the rest you was bound to close to the object of networking answer but its not ready
you need to completely write this essay again but keep in your mind something from this to write in your new essay.
chevening needs students with strong networking skills. you should state this by two or three specific examples of your own professional life.
start with one paragraph introduction,
next write two specific examples of making networks in your professional life in two paragraphs and then write a closing paragraph.
in your next try keep in mind this structure and write your essay then post it on this forum.
for your writing style:
try to write formally not as your first paragraph and second paragraph that you listed unnecessary things about you and Egypt.
Hi, Mariam. Here are some points that might be helpful.
your introduction is not appropriate as it is not related. Based on similar Networking essays here (essayforum), you didn't explain much about your Networking abilities. Getting instantly in touch with others or having the opportunity to build a very strong Network doesn't show your Networking skills. you also didn't say anything about how are you going to use your skills in the future.
You need to reorganize your paragraphs, too. For example, I think paragraph 3 and 4 should be combined together.
There are many faulty sentences like:
Professional life has also another example.... In my professional life when I was newly hired, I was in charge of several functions. As a newcomer, I had to ...
My suggestion is to read others essays to have an overall structure in your mind. Then, see their experiences and think about yours that have a similar effect. Finally, put your own experiences and their result in a personalized structure.
Thank you for your reply, but I need to know, you mean I have to change the examples too or the way of writing the essay only ?
Thank you for your notes, I will read more networking essays here, then will re-write my own and I will post it here.
Here are some corrections,
creates an opportunity to
My insistence to seek out information
I was charged in several
to help the distribution process
and supportive of the new
Hi Mariam, as I am also a Chevening Scholarship applicant maybe I can't give you a very helpful suggestion, but I'll try my best :)
In my opinion, only your fourth paragraph is answering the prompt. In networking skill essay it is better to show how your well maintained network can become a solution for the problem you encountered in professional setting. The fourth paragraph can be used because it shows you make use of your network to help you distribute the necessities. Maybe you can develop the story on the process of involving your friends and co-workers to help. Good luck :)
I re-wrote my essay putting in consideration your previous comments,I will highly appreciate if you check it and give me your feedback
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,667 3487
Mariam, the common misconception for the networking essay is that if you attend 24 conferences in a year, you already have a network. That is crazy. A network is not based on the number of conferences and seminars attended. It is not based on the number of important people whose name you know and whom you were introduced to. Networking is based upon how you use these conference contacts to help you in your career advancement. What use were these contacts / networks to you when it came time to ask for help with a task at the office? Who came to your help? Why do you think that person helped you? How did you cultivate that contact? More importantly, did that contact result in an introduction to someone else who is now part of your inner contact circle? That is how you grow your network. Your contacts need to be profession based. So the reference to the charity network is out. Or, you should present that as a last resort. Personally, I don't think it will help your essay because it is not profession based.
Review your essay. None of these elements are represented in the original and revised version. Therefore, you still have a lot more work to accomplish in terms of this prompt. It may be best for you to write a new essay that showcases how you make contacts, how you cultivate your contacts, how your contacts have helped you so far , and why these contacts could turn out to be a Chevening asset in the future.
wasam a French educated student.
to apply applying for Time ...
... for providing some advice
s and .... the training. Maybe it's better to continue this example with the result you have achieved.
As a reader, I had problems following your references. For example, in the 5th paragraph when you said "center" I had to look for it in the previous paragraphs[company training center] or when you talked about your instructors "one of the instructors","this instructor" I'm not sure which one of them be more specific.
Hope you find these notes useful.
May you please inform how can I be more specific ?Do I have to mention names? As they are different persons.
Of course, not necessarily names but something that make it easier to read. For example, [management][time][course] instructor and center's instructors, if I'm right about what you want to refer to.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,667 3487
This is absolutely not a networking essay because it is within your company. The training does not qualify as networking because it was conducted by your company's training center. There is no interaction with other professionals in a related field representing different companies and connected business lines, there is no reference to people met at seminars or corporate training events that indicate an exchange of knowledge between non-company related professionals, and there is no representation of how a clear cut network beyond your company reach has helped you to improve your skills or job management styles. There is nothing referenced here that can prove that you have a network worthy of Chevening consideration. Why haven't you reviewed the sample networking essays on this website to use a template? Look at how their networking representations were developed and emulate it. Networking, as referred to in this essay is not focused in-house, it has to be external in development but internal in application.